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It would be interesting if you did manage to get fired. I wonder what that would do to your wife's fantasy where you support her and other man while they find themselves with the help of your money. . .


Seriously though, concentrate on work if it is important to you. If not, then perhaps this is an ideal time to change careers and do what you really want with your life. Even if you make a lot less money. At least you will have some satisfaction in your life. And you will do it before you wife tries to have the court impute your income at your present salary. After that happens, if you ever lose your job and take a new one at less money, your support will be calculated at the previous higher rate . . . and you will be trapped.

Last edited by Esox; 09/09/09 07:18 PM.

I'm a man . . .
But I can change . . .
If I have to . . .
I guess . . .

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Hi Bill
Yeah, I have to agree, she does sound sort of delusional.

And when my H was in the midst of his delusion, the one where this 24 year old co-worker was going to be with him, he would act the same way your wife is. He would say the dumbest crap...."I hope you meet someone who can take care of you so I won't have to worry about it." Seriously. I laughed. And what's worse is during this time, his stupid OW was so afraid of me she would call, text and email me that she had absolutely NO intention of being a step mom. (Unfortunately, she was not telling him that during that three week period in late December early January. But mid January, she posts on FB about her new younger and much richer boyfriend....H was singing a new tune after that.) Any-hoo.

Yes, I did start then to make it very clear, D was not going to be friendly and we weren't going to be Bruce and Demi like he seemed to have delusions of granduer over. I made it clear to him, we would co-parent and it was all or nothing with me and him. Married or people who had a child to raise together.

I don't think he believed me then. I'm pretty sure he does now.

You do need to give her a clear picture of what D would be like if she's seemingly delusional about it now.


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Have not been sleeping well the last couple of days and my head is not very clear. I feel like I just want to take a break from all this now.

W said to me that she's thinking about moving out because of all the ups and downs. My first thought was "good" but I just said "OK". She later said that she wanted to avoid that if at all possible. Again, I said "OK"

She rounded up the kids for a walk last night, then asked if I wanted to go, so I did. She talked with me the whole way, I guess I mostly listened, but it was light.

Later, we sat in the same room and watched TV. We talked a little then too. I told her about my frustrations with work, etc. Again, I didn't want to think so hard about "what to do" - someone suggested trying to open up to her more, but at the same time I know I need to detach. Confusing.

She did keep complaining last night about how her back was hurting, and that she was going to need to go to her massage therapist friend to work it out. I said nothing.

She also asked if I wanted to go to the zoo with her and the boys on Sunday. I agreed, but not sure if I should. She's going to visit her friend with the newborn Friday eve/Sat - yeah, it's legit.

She's still on FB with this guy. I've said my piece on this. This particular piece is in limbo now.

I don't feel very cohesive right now - just trying to focus on work, and I need to get some freaking sleep. SUpposed to have band practice tonight, but I think I might be too tired.

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First, get some sleep. Nothing's going to make sense if you don't. Call your doc and get a sleeping med if you have to.

Now,

Quote:
Later, we sat in the same room and watched TV. We talked a little then too. I told her about my frustrations with work, etc. Again, I didn't want to think so hard about "what to do" - someone suggested trying to open up to her more, but at the same time I know I need to detach. Confusing.


Detachment is getting YOU to a point of accepting, and being ok with, the worst possible scenario. It is NOT about you being cold or indifferent to your W. Be polite to her, and just be her friend right now. All the while, keep working on you being ok with D if she goes that route.

Quote:
She did keep complaining last night about how her back was hurting, and that she was going to need to go to her massage therapist friend to work it out. I said nothing.


Good. When I started reading this, I thought you were going to say you massaged her back. Good hold back.

Quote:
She also asked if I wanted to go to the zoo with her and the boys on Sunday. I agreed, but not sure if I should.


What did YOU want to do?

Quote:
She's still on FB with this guy. I've said my piece on this. This particular piece is in limbo now.


Your call, but I see this as a problem. She's admitted to you she had "dates" with this guy or at least thought about them. She tells you to trust her but she won't cut off contact. Why?

Even if nothing happened, she has told you something almost did that while not a PA was inappropriate. When things go south for her again, where do you think she's going to look?


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I throw my hands up over the stupid massages and rubbing her hair. Stop rewarding her!!!! She doesn't deserve it!!!!


Just going back over the last few days. Yeah, I know. In those moments, feel like I can reach her. I know it's a false feeling. Crap. Seems like some sort of intimacy, connection, something would make a difference. In those moments, I think I'm making headway.

Yes, I hear you. I know it, I know it, I know it. No more.

Quote:
Detachment is getting YOU to a point of accepting, and being ok with, the worst possible scenario. It is NOT about you being cold or indifferent to your W. Be polite to her, and just be her friend right now. All the while, keep working on you being ok with D if she goes that route.


OK that's good. I'm getting there, if slowly. Honestly, I think I need to in order to function.

Quote:
Good. When I started reading this, I thought you were going to say you massaged her back. Good hold back.


I honestly felt like saying something like, too bad I can't help you out with that. But it would have been pointless.

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What did YOU want to do?

I want to go. I see it as a good opportunity to have fun, show good PMA, all that stuff. But I realize it's also feeding into her idea that we're all going to keep acting like a family.

I DON'T KNOW what's more effective - showing her what things can be like WITH me - or showing her what things can be like WITHOUT me. But - I think the real 180 would be for me to go and to be enthusiastic about it. Maybe I'm over-analyzing this.

Quote:
Your call, but I see this as a problem. She's admitted to you she had "dates" with this guy or at least thought about them. She tells you to trust her but she won't cut off contact. Why?

Even if nothing happened, she has told you something almost did that while not a PA was inappropriate. When things go south for her again, where do you think she's going to look?


Yeah I have a problem with this.
She won't cut off contact, and she refuses to move out. So my choices are to make things so uncomfortable about this that she does move out (which I've almost gotten there), or focus on DBing for the time being.

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One of the things my C told me early on was to take control of the areas of my life over which I had control. One of those areas was my job. You have to take control of your work. The alternative is not pretty.

What I did initially (b/c I was a wreck for the first few weeks) was to make myself not think about the M issues. I gave myself seom time off from those problems and threw myself into my work. Get REALLY busy at the office. It will occupy your mind. You will have to make yourself do this at first.

As for the feet rubbing, cut yourself some slack. Just stop doing it. Recognize it for what it is...pursuit, plain and simple. I'm not slapping you around, I'm just trying to let you know I do not see this as helping you achieve your goal.

Eyes on the prize man. That means stopping the pursuit and working on you. Getting your work under control falls under "working on you." You have to have stability from some aspect of your life, and work is a great source for that.


Yeah, I hear you.

I've been so burned out even before this. I mean, that was part of the problem I suppose - I'd put so much into work. Funny, I "Exceeded expectations" on my last review and now it's all fallen to pot. But yeah, I've got to dig in. And I can. It does help to get focused on something else, it really does.

When I talked to my W, she said she could pick up the slack around the house so I can work more, just tell her what I need.

Oh and I love this - she opend up a new credit card with a 0% introductory rate, and asked if we should move my lawyer's retainer to that card to avoid interest.

She mentioned yesterday that she's fighting to keep from getting depressed. Whatever.

Crazy.

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I'm reading DR pages 215-219 again. What do you guys think of this?

She said she'd go to counciling for closure, not for reconciliation. We'd be going in for different agenadas. Would this be worth it? Seems counterproductive...

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I'm looking at the Retrouvaille site.

I can't imagine my wife would agree to this.

Wondering how I would approach it.

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Quote:
I'm looking at the Retrouvaille site.

I can't imagine my wife would agree to this.

Wondering how I would approach it.


First, all she can say is "no."

Second, what does she have to lose. She can still file for D after Retrouvaille if she still wants to. Isn't the family worth a try?

Sara knows a lot about Retro. I would seek her out.


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Well, she's already filed for divorce.

I suppose I'll find the right time to bring it up.

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