Hm. Well I just talked to her on the phone. She said she wanted to cancel the weekend because it's a lot of money, and she thinks it'll be upsetting and make things worse between us.
I didn't say anything - she asked me, do you still really want to go? I said yeah, and she said, "OK then, I'll go. I just can't say no to you. I don't know what's up with that."
Sigh. Just a couple more days. Hopefully this is going to happen.
Didn't really talk to her much last night. Went to bed and read a book - when she went downstairs, she called goodnight in kind of a strange tone - not sure if this stumped her somehow. We were both aloof this morning.
Tough day - didn't sleep right, and was really struggling this morning. All I can say is thank God for Xanex.
Well, she's cool with going now. Said she was worried about how this is going to affect me, but realized I told her I can worry about myself.
I don't know, maybe there's something wrong in a relationship where she's always worried about how things affect me. I married a "caretaker"...
Anyway, she's on the phone with her mom, saying that there's no way back. Same story. She looks to the future and is 100% sure that things would fall into old patterns.
Just kind of rolls of my back I guess. Old news. She's still certain.
Well, if miracles happen at Retro, I can sure use one.
Seriously, I guess what happens happens. Not about hope at this point, it's about doing everything I can.
Hey, at least she's willing to give it that last shot. My W is so certain she told me the only thing holding her up is money and I'm free to go out with anyone I want.
That hurts more than flip-flopping. I've spent the past two days researching ways to make a D affordable for her. If she wants one, I'll do what I've done for 13 years, do what I can to make her happy.
I wish you the best. I wish my W would care enough to even make the effort.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
He he - I was just checking in - was too exhausted to post last night.
Well - good and bad. We did have a great time spending that time together talking.
I can summarize W's perspective as - she loves everything about me, about our relationship - but wrote that she has a 10 out of 10 sense of hopelessness about our sexual / intimate relationship.
In our last exercise, I wrote that I know what she's missing. That the things I feel I have somehow not shown her. But that I do feel those things, the passion for her.
She started crying when she read this, and said "I want to hit you." We talked about all this.
I spent some time crying too - 10/10 sense of hopelessness, that just seems to say it all. I felt at rock bottom after that.
She did say that she felt very close to me after the weekend. We drove home seperately, and when we got home she said that she wanted to be joined at the hip with me. Pulled me into a room and said that, all these good things about our relationship - that she doesn't think she'll find someone else like me - that there's just this one thing, but it's a big thing...
So, the rest of the night, she kept pulling me close... like while we were watching a movie with the kids. She wend to bed, then came back up to talk to me - said that she was very confused about me right now.
She has agreed to keep "dialogueing" with me - the technique presented at the weekend - said that we should go out together - said that she's not working on it, but clearly she's willing to do SOMETHING like that.
So, no breakthrough - and at points I was at a point of dispair. RIght now, i don't know.
After we got home, she asked me what passion felt like to me - we talked about how I experience it, and she received it well - we agreed that our last weekend, when we were out, she had seen passion from me that she hadn't seen before, while we were kissing.
I had written to her that I don't know why things are like this. Part of it is medical - I am being treated for low testosorone - but part of it is, somehow in our dynamic, it's true I have rarely showed her raw passion. I've been conservative, reserved with her - and she said that she experiences a very high libedo, she craves sex every day...
So there we are. I don't know if I'm hopeful, or what. But we did re-connect. There is SO MUCH there.
She said this morning she woke up crying, and emailed her friend about the weekend. Now we're back in real life, I don't know.
Right now I'm going to capitolize on the openness - see where this goes to.
It was an intense, exhausting, weekend. Definitely closer, but clearly no miracle.
