Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I am going out with some friends tonight. I am looking forward to that. I am not yet sure what my weekend holds without my kids. I'm sure it will begin to unfold as I get closer.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Kev saw this prayer and thought you might like it.
Dear Lord I pray again to you today. To heal my marriage in your way. To give me strength to stay the course. Lord I don't want my marriage to end in divorce. I want my child to have both of us. To know you as the person to trust. Help us both to see. That this is something you meant to be. What you have joined together let no one put asunder. Break the bondage that Satan has put us under. I believe in you word and trust what it says. Lord I cry out to you, I lift up my hands. Lord start the change in me. Let my wife see You and your love through me. Help us to forgive and move past all the pain. Help us to love each other again. She is flesh of my flesh, and bone of my bone. Dear Lord help my wife come back. I know through you is the only way. Lord I pray this again today.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I am printing that out. Thanks. That is a great prayer. I think that covers everything.
I appreciate you giving that to me.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
This past saturday I took D7 to a new dance class. She danced for a good portion of it and I guess then got a little intimidated because the kids were older than her. She is 7 and it is a class for 8 to 10 year olds. But D7 is so tall her mom put her in there. Well W shows up and D7 was sitting over in the corner towards the end. This didn't go over well with W. She said that is unacceptable and we need to tell her that. I said wooa. This is her first time in this class. She danced most of it. Give her a chance to get comfortable before you start telling her what is acceptable and what isn't. Let her ease her way into it. W didn't say anything to D7 about it after I said that. But its things like this that are just constant about W feeling like everyone has to ask how high if she says jump. There are other examples to. That is just one of them. She is a major control freak. She signed D11 up for a solo without asking D11 if she wanted to first. D11 had to come to me and tell me she didn't want the solo. I told D11 that she needs to let her mom know then. She just takes it upon herself to assume what everyone should be doing without asking people, especially the kids. It drives me batty.
I wanted to offer a kernel of insight about what she might be doing here. I think she's overcompensating because she's worried that the kids will be "overwhelmed with life" and sit in the corner, so to speak, and not get out there and take risks. Any behavior she sees in them that she is attributing to you, she is likely to overreact to. Especially if she perceives it as you possibly encouraging them to hang back if they are not comfortable, or not try if they are afraid.
I think it's always hard to find the balance with children, knowing when to push and when to back off, even without parent problems.
I say this because I was guilty of this myself recently. My youngest is the most like my H, and he's very dreamy and imaginative, but sometimes he goes into "pretending" something didn't happen as opposed to outright lying about it and it makes me crazy, because I am SO AFRAID he's going to be like his father and live in pretend land instead of taking responsibility for his actions. I wrote on my thread about an incident with a dead frog and I was so angry with my poor kid and that was why.
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I am not putting myself above her. I have admitted TONS of times that I also have committed many sins and do to this day. While I try not to as best as possible, I still fall at times. The problem here is people are assuming that I am casting a stone at her and I am not. I am merely praying that she leave this life of adultery. I am not deciding her fate for her. I am not telling her where her destiny lies. I am not saying she is going to hell or heaven because of anything she has done. I am only praying that she quit living in that particular sin is all I am doing. You really think that's where YOUR energy should be spent now? I mean if you were together and you had learned and grown and healed....I could see a comment like that....but it's a stalling technique of yours and a self righteous one at that. Oh, and a huge turn off too.
Oh come on. You are telling her (AND US) a lot of useless commentary and pointless debate about where her destiny lies, b/c by your implication, she's going to hell if she doesn't take you back. And when you skim over your past faults with feigned admissions of humility WHILE YOU CONTINUE HAVING THEM and avoid working on them...that's called hypocrisy.
That feeling of "being overwhelmed by life", that you've had for your whole life according to you, and dumping the duties and choices of life, onto your wife that you still prefer doing, is both unhealthy AND unfair of you. Why would your wife think things would be better with you now, when you still have the same problems? You can criticize her "controlling" nature all you want but you made her into a controlling woman b/c you refused to take charge of your family or marriage or yourself, and you admit you prefer not doing so even now...someone in your family had to make the tough choices and you said you preferred taking directions from her....(your words)
BUT here's the point I needed to make, Yet again you have misused faith to hide behind. You say the word "stand" so you can "stand" as in, STAND STILL AND NOT GROW OR CHANGE.....you said you were getting the audio version of the book I suggested, "Blue Like Jazz" (b/c you could not concentrate enough to read a book....sure K4, that's "well", especially a year after your bomb.....)but I don't think you have read it or you would not still be doing this same thing w/ religion. You are trying to "win" religious arguments about your w, when we're all supposed to help you get help for your sitch. But you won't take the help.
You are not healthy K4. Whenever THAT ISSUE COMES UP...you divert and deflect. How's that behavioral tool working for you? Is your life improving by not addressing your underlying problems? Still think you should spend all that energy on praying/obsessing/commenting about your wife or, maybe, could you just get yourself some real HELP?!
I think breakaway and stuck are dead on with their analysis. Get psychiatric help so your life can improve -- or it won't. You have to get help. You must get better emotionally and psychologically and all we're saying is you need more help than a priest is equipped to give you, let alone once a week.
Why would you feel the need to bring up your w's behavior, or your faith in God again, when that's all we're saying? Oh yeah, I remember now. It deflects....diverts....so like I asked, how's that approach working in your life? (Sigh) You are either the most stubborn person I've "met" or you are just....
look there's no easy way to say it but the reason I say "you need help" is b/c I think you are emotionally disturbed, and have been for awhile. I'm sorry if that hurts. But there, I said it. If you are, and you stay that way, none of these other discussions matter...at all. j-
Somehow that got turned around on me into me judging her. I am not her judge nor will I ever be. Nor could I ever be as my own life has plenty of misteps in it. The difference is I am trying to not commit those sins in the future to the best of my ability knowing that I will fall now and then anyways. But I am not pursuing them. I am praying that she quit pursuing this sin. Huge difference between that and judging her for it.
Kevin
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have obviously said to much about my personal life.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Kevin - If you feel uncomfortable about opening up here and getting some critical advice, please seriously consider looking into talking one on one with a therapist.
I personally believe that the Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) that MWD talks about in her books is your ticket to achieving a much happier life. I even had a couple of my own thread titles with the future looking theme ("Putting the Past Behind" and "Tomorrow is the most important thing in life").
