This is very good, Kevin. If you can do this just as we outlined it will be the first HUGE step you have made in standing up to your W in a kind but firm way.
I would also suggest before you respond to her proposed custody arrangement you post here first. We are not emotionally invested and we may be able to point out things we see and help you formulate the most productive response.
Seeing the winter holidays are right around the corner be prepared for her request to adjust the holiday schedule. Holidays can be an emotional time for a separated/divorced couple that have young children so be SURE not to react on emotion. You will react with a strong and firm backbone wrapped in kindness but in the end you will clearly let her know that holidays, if not spent as a family, will have equality for both co-parents. Since there is strife with both of your extended families and you mentioned your children are pushing for more family time (which IMO sends them very mixed messages) you will need to tread carefully but firmly. I might even suggest you speak to your counselor and the person that counsels your children about holidays and co-parenting before you solidify anything with your W.
Yes, I am doing a bit of speculating but your W is pretty transparent with her timing and her requests.
Here is the good news. I showed up to W's looking awesome. I was in and out, gave the girls kisses goodbye. W looked totally confused by me being dressed up and not paying any attention to her and being quickly out.
Bad News. I am so ashamed to admit what happened last night. And Stuck, I don't need the "You are a hypocrite" speech.
It was bad. I totally fell for this lady last night. She was so beautiful and intelligent and charming. I can't believe I am even admitting this. But I have to. We totally hit it off. I was totally taken in by her. I didn't even think about my W last night. I can't believe it even happened. I didn't sleep with her, so that is good. But WOW. What an amazing lady.
I know it is wrong and not what God set up. I am so struggling with it this morning. I don't even know what to think. I was totally captivated by her last night. It goes against everything I have said and stood against. I should not have fallen for her. But I could not help myself. She just totally drew me in.
I have no idea what to do now. I do know what to do, but I am now struggling emotionally. I can't believe this happened. She is totally awesome.
UGG....
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
So what did happen, that you feel you needed to qualify this?
Originally Posted By: K4d
I have no idea what to do now. I do know what to do, but I am now struggling emotionally. I can't believe this happened. She is totally awesome.
You're being extremely unfair to your new lady friend by developing an emotional relationship with her while you are struggling to save your marriage. Unless you are planning to drop your own bomb and walk away.
I would also be wary about getting involved with anyone new, coming straight out of a bad relationship. Rebound relationships almost never work out.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH INTERACTING WITH MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX!
That is all you did last night, correct, Interact with someone. What is there to be ashamed about. There is a value, esteem and confidence in knowing that you can affect someone in a postive way through your interactions.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH INTERACTING WITH MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX!
That is all you did last night, correct, Interact with someone. What is there to be ashamed about. There is a value, esteem and confidence in knowing that you can affect someone in a postive way through your interactions.
Maybe I read too much into it, but it sounds like Kevin is saying more went on then simple "interaction".
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
This can be a good learning experience for you. For months and months you bashed your W up and down for feeling the "high" of a new person. And now that you have experienced it yourself maybe you can better see where your W was at and where she continues to be.
It is *very* easy to get swept up in the "magic" of it all. Somebody to pay attention to you, somebody to tell you that you are smart and charming and funny and attractive. Somebody to talk to in a "non DB'ing" fashion. Now can you see why your W was so drawn in to other men? Now that you have experienced this yourself have you gained any perspective on the situation as a whole?
I do agree w/Trent. Either be done with your M and file or not be done and keep trying to DB. But don't involve a third party because (A) it will only hurt one more person and (B) your W will feel things are "even" now between you and her since you BOTH have engaged outside the bounds of marriage.
Tell us what you learned from your experience last night. Have you gained any new perspective on where your W was coming from? Have you gained any new perspective on yourself and your situation?
nope. and usually neither does the second, and the third, who knows, might be the one, might be a dud, or she could be Baby from that Rob Zombie movie.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH INTERACTING WITH MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX!
That is all you did last night, correct, Interact with someone. What is there to be ashamed about. There is a value, esteem and confidence in knowing that you can affect someone in a postive way through your interactions.
Maybe I read too much into it, but it sounds like Kevin is saying more went on then simple "interaction".
Nothing more went on than simple interaction. But it emotionally drew me in as we really hit it off. She wants to go out with me again this week.
I know I shouldn't as I don't know how strong I can be against her. I will admit that I am human. I only posted it because I am trying to be honest in light of the hardcore stance I have been taking.
We were out til 3am together. I am a little tired this morning because of it.
I guess I am just feeling guilty as a stander now for allowing myself to be drawn into her.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Nothing more went on than simple interaction. But it emotionally drew me in as we really hit it off. She wants to go out with me again this week.
Does she know about your situation? How does she feel about getting involved with a married man?
Originally Posted By: K4D
I know I shouldn't as I don't know how strong I can be against her. I will admit that I am human. I only posted it because I am trying to be honest in light of the hardcore stance I have been taking.
You've been handling this the way you've wanted to for as long as I've been following this. No reason you should stop now.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
