I did a lot of thinking last night and this morning. I'm still in a lot of pain from what I did and said and what my W said and is doing.
But I finally realized that I have a lot of work that I have to do on myself that I cannot just get through faith. I have to make real changes and get help making those changes in who I am as an overall person.
I see this now. Its not enough to just have faith. You have to put work into changing you also. It was a hard realization to come to. I didn't want to admit that I couldn't do it alone. But I can't. I don't have the tools to do it alone.
I am handing my M and W over to God and I am putting my feet forward in getting the help that I need for myself. I know that until I do, nothing will ever change between me and W. It also hurts knowing I am back to square one. But that is the reality of the damage I did this weekend. 11 months if there was even any progress made was just wiped out by me not being smarter and realizing I have issues that have to be worked on.
Today is going to be a hard day as I continue to self analyze things and look in the direction I have to go without my W being by my side.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I sure hope she doesn't go through with filing this week. But she probably will.
No, I can't keep dissecting everything. That does no good. I am looking for solution focused therapists. I can go every other week. Don't know that I can afford more than that.
I get D7 back tonight. D11 tried calling last night and I missed her call. I will call her tonight.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Its Monday. The start of a new week. Why do I feel hopeless today? I guess a weekend like I had will do that to you. But I have no where to go but up now.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Hey Kev - Just checking in here and Wow! What a weekend. Listen bro, you are getting some great advice here from wonderful people. The only thing I want to add is to focus on your children. They need you to be right. Everything you do from here on in is to get yourself right for them. When you feel hopeless, focus on them. They deserve a dad. They deserve one that will be there for them. And YOU are that guy. That is your mission. Focus on getting sober and being a good father and everything else will fall into place for you. Maybe not the way you imagined. But there is a good life out there for you. You are a good man with a weakness. Fix it.
Strength and Honor.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I sure hope she doesn't go through with filing this week. But she probably will.
No, I can't keep dissecting everything. That does no good. I am looking for solution focused therapists. I can go every other week. Don't know that I can afford more than that.
I hope she doesn't. Maybe it was said in anger, maybe not. You have to know it is a distinct possibility and prepare for that to happen. Also, Kevin, you remember what I said about the fact that D isn't the end. Keep building those legos until you graduate to an erector set!
Every two weeks is a good frequency for the C. I did that for a long time. Now I am up to every three weeks, although there was once I called to make a sooner appointment than the three week mark because I felt I needed it. The off week is where you put into practice things you've talked about the previous week.
I am so glad you found a good group. We all want you to succeed, and having people right there to support you is a plus!
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I will keep reminding myself of the legos building one step at a time to the masterpiece.
I'm going to succeed. It is just a hard road back starting all over again. But I can do this.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
W got to work very late this morning. I wonder if she filed. I guess I will know if I get served.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
