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K4D #1837577 09/14/09 08:50 PM
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Originally Posted By: K4D
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I believe you K. But maybe God is using this as a way to change you to be the man he needs you to be.


C-Bart,

I hope he is.

Kevin

I have to admit going through and thinking exactly how you are now. Could have written the list myself. However, once I stepped back and evaluated things it became evident that I was hiding behind my M so I wouldn't have to change. I was drowning out God telling me to change using his words against him. I claimed with all the bravado I could muster "I am doing it for you".

No one is telling you to give up on your family - just to change your style. Be a true leader through action, working on yourself, not words.


_________________________
Me-41
W-39
M-15 yrs T-17 yrs
D-12
S-9
S-8
B 5/08
S 1/09
C-Bart #1837631 09/14/09 09:53 PM
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Ugg...

Even some of my friends today are telling me they are worried about me.

This is nuts. Am I not supporting myself and taking care of my responsibilities? I am doing everything that is expected of me.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1837633 09/14/09 09:55 PM
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Quote:
If she wants to live in eternal sin, then that's HER choice. It sucks but it is HER choice.


Stuck, it is her choice. I am not arguing the point. But aren't we supposed to pray for those that are going down a path that isn't good for them? I am not interfering with her. But I am praying for her.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1837639 09/14/09 10:08 PM
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Oh, God help me, I'm posting here but really, listen Kevin-

Quote:
But aren't we supposed to pray for those that are going down a path that isn't good for them?


No sane woman will want a husband who feels entitled to judge and determine what is good for her. This is the hard lesson you are being forced to learn. It is cruel and ironic but it is reality.



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Quote:
I am doing everything that is expected of me.


No you are not.


Me:40
W: 39
T: 17 years
M: 15 years
S-9
D-6
D final 11/10/2009

"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."



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Praying for her is great! Nothing wrong with that. Praying for yourself and your Ds is also great! But pray for her healing, pray for her safety, pray for job, just don't keep praying about when she's coming back. You're putting the cart before the horse.

"I am doing everything that is expected of me."

No you're not. There are NO expectations other than the ones you put on yourself. You admitted yourself that you've got problems with multi-tasking. You look at the list of things you want to do or fix yourself and you get so overwhelmed that you end up shutting down.

Take things one at a time. Write your goals or to do list down in order of easiest to hardest to do. Then cross them out ONE AT A TIME.

The hardest thing is to take the first step.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
K4D #1837686 09/15/09 12:30 AM
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Originally Posted By: K4D
Ugg...

Even some of my friends today are telling me they are worried about me.

This is nuts. Am I not supporting myself and taking care of my responsibilities? I am doing everything that is expected of me.

Kevin

Listening yet?


_________________________
Me-41
W-39
M-15 yrs T-17 yrs
D-12
S-9
S-8
B 5/08
S 1/09
K4D #1837734 09/15/09 02:14 AM
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Let's look back

Originally Posted By: K4D

The girls and I are ready for us to be a family again. I am ready to come home and us work on our marriage.


She has made it abundantly clear that she is not waiting for you to be ready to come home (when haven't you been?) or to work on the marriage.

Quote:
This is no life for any of us. This isn't how it was meant to be.


She's made it abundantly clear that this IS the life for her. I'm sure when she thinks of the marriage she also thinks "this isn't how it was meant to be." Which is why she wants out.

Quote:
I am ready to step up to the plate to meet all of your needs and be the absolute best I can be for you.


Even though you are refusing to hear what she says, thereby proving you cannot do that. Showing you have not changed and therefore cannot be the absolute best you can be.

Quote:
Please consider this. Please soften your heart.

I forgive you for everything.


She doesn't want your forgiveness. She hasn't asked for your forgiveness. She wants to move on.

Quote:
There will be no questions asked and will never be anything brought up.

This is a silly statement to make and she knows that is not true.


I have simply open arms and unconditional love for you. I ask that you please forgive me to and allow us to start fresh and new. She DOESN'T WANT TO.[/quote]


Quote:
She didn't respond. I don't know why I sent it. I was just feeling lonely and tired of this whole situation.


The point of this is...NOT that you were feeling weak, but that you sent this letter AS IF she wants to "be a family again" when she has CLEARLY let you know she does not. After a year, you are telling her in this email that you will never get it. I'm surprised she has any communication with you at all! This is my point.

IMO, you are wrapping yourself up in a blanket of religion so you can firmly sink further into "magical thinking." There are REAL Christians who are divorced, Kevin. There are. Good, godly, Christian people who had spouses leave them and marry another. IT HAPPENS.

God allows these things to happen. God hates murder, Kevin, and people still get murdered. God hates child abuse, and children still get abused. God hates divorce....and people still get divorced, like it or not.

I am not saying God cannot restore a marriage, but your stubborn insistence, like a child, that your marriage WILL BE restored cuz daddy said so, and he's going to make your wife do what you want, is NOT being "faithful." Being faithful is trusting God no matter what the circumstances. It's continuing to trust Him and seek his will even though you cannot understand what is happening in your life.

The person God wants you to focus on is YOU, Kevin.

How are the 12 Steps going?


Me-42,H-41,M-14
S-12,9


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C-Bart #1837745 09/15/09 02:27 AM
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Kevin, I hope you don't mind my jumping in here with another 2 cents.

I know the sitch you are in can mind shattering, numbing, incessantly eating at you, it's not easy. I also have to say I can understand why some folks are really telling you to let go of what seems to be a near obsession.

Trust in God is one thing, but projecting that trust into a determination that God does not want your M to end is another. Much like for your W, you are even controlling what God should think and want for you? Just know that God wants the best for you and your M, whatever that may be, and leave it at that.

In the first 2 months of my sitch, I was a behaving a lot like you. I saw a C that was pro-family and recommended by Catholic organisations, first by myself, then with my WAW. I went almost mad at the last session. I remember whining about how it was all an infatuation, listing all the patently obvious facts and asking C to clear the fog from W. And C calmly asking me how I could know it wasn't true love? That smug look on W's face and my frustration at what I saw as C's validation of pure stupidity almost drove me over the edge.

C was in contact with me after that, telling me how I have to look after myself. I remember her asking me to decide if I really loved my W or if I viewed her as a possession another man was threatening. "No right or wrong answer Deep, just be honest, there's different ways of dealing with your problem for YOU depending on how you see things". Obviously, I was always going to say I love my W. "Then pray for her, for her to find happiness". Yeah ok, I could do that. "Good, and then trust in God and know that he may give her that happiness, and it may not be with you".

I was like "WTF?". I hated C then, in fact I never went back. Much later, I realised she was instilling some DB principles into me long before I even heard of the term.

Yes you want your M back and for it to work out, we all do. But you can't keep doing what you are doing.


Me 42
W 39
Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992
First Bomb: Sep 2007
Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007
Kids: D10, S5
Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak.
3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Deep #1837957 09/15/09 02:30 PM
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Some great advice here. I hope you find it as enlightening as I have.

PMA

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