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What happens in 20 years from now when your daughter comes to you and tells you she wants to divorce her selfish, alcoholic husband. She's had enough of his lies and promises and cant do it anymore. What will you tell her? Truthfully... NOT what you would like to hear...
PMA


I would tell her to separate and pray for a while until he cleans himself up. But I would not tell her to divorce.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1835564 09/10/09 03:46 PM
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Originally Posted By: K4D

I would tell her to separate and pray for a while until he cleans himself up. But I would not tell her to divorce.
Kevin


I'm not talking about divorce either. We are all talking about SEPERATING and giving SPACE and TIME as requested by her.

You know this already. Why am I even saying it.

Just keeping on going to AA and C and working on the addictive personality that has no patience.

Let Go and Let God Brotha. LIVE THIS!!!

PMA

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Kevin,

One thing at a time. Notebook. Journal. Fishing stuff. Fish. Class? One thing at a time.

Don't twist, don't cave. You want to stand for your marriage. I understand. But, you don't stand for your marriage by standing still. Get out of God's way and work on you.

Call anytime.

KJ


Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.

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I'm picking up the journals this weekend. Tonight is meet the teacher night at D11's school. W and I will both be there for that.

We had some interaction last night as I went with her to pick up our van that we decided not to trade in. She is pretty much in her own world. I am hardly an existance to her unless it has to do with the kids or she needs something like getting the van.

D11 has 7 teachers, so I am not exactly sure how that is going to work. I guess we will see.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1835681 09/10/09 06:02 PM
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Originally Posted By: K4D
We had some interaction last night as I went with her to pick up our van that we decided not to trade in. She is pretty much in her own world. I am hardly an existance to her unless it has to do with the kids or she needs something like getting the van.

D11 has 7 teachers, so I am not exactly sure how that is going to work. I guess we will see.
Kevin


Bingo!!! Sounds like you should be following her example...

Stay strong.

Enjoy your girls!!!

PMA

K4D #1835705 09/10/09 06:30 PM
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Originally Posted By: K4D
I She is pretty much in her own world. I am hardly an existance to her unless it has to do with the kids or she needs something like getting the van.

Right. B/C she isn't married to you, in her eyes. The legal divorce is merely a financial hassle and formality at this point. And she'll always have to deal with you about the kids b/c divorced or married, that is the right thing.

D11 has 7 teachers, so I am not exactly sure how that is going to work. I guess we will see.

This is normal for a back to school night, as my 12 y/o also has 6-7 teachers. What's your question? Typically, you will attend your d's classes in their order (FIRST you'll listen to the PTA), then listen to the teacher's presentations and listen to the teacher's plans and expectations for the coming year. You meet the teacher face to face if you can, you tell the teachers to call you anytime they need your support at home OR if they (the teachers) notice your d needs more help or is misbehaving. This is typical parental stuff. I went alone when h was on call and when he left. That makes it most years. Missed last year's due to deaths in the family. This year we'll go together and that'll be nice. I don't understand your confusion unless you've never been to one of these. OR, dear God, is it b/c you'll have to be around your wife? Can't you focus on your d's education for an evening?

Kevin


I asked you a question in my last post. IT's really important. Please don't keep ignoring it as it's rude to me and reveals a remarkable lack of insight on your part, at this point in this process. IN sum, You have problems Kevin.
When are you going to get help for them? Your underlying depression still lurks within, and the obsessive behavior is making your whole life worse; it effects so much. It's been almost a year. And YOU have not gotten c or T. That's stunning. Who else here has NOT gone to see IC? (I mean more than once). I bet I could count on one hand. Plus you admitted you had a life time problem with "Not knowing how to be happy...".

Get some real help for your main problems...Come on, like I asked you, what's it going to take?
j-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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The question is how long you will keep this up?

I asked you a question in my last post. IT's really important. Please don't keep ignoring it as it's rude to me and reveals a remarkable lack of insight on your part, at this point in this process. IN sum, You have problems Kevin.

Get some real help for your main problems...Come on, like I asked you, what's it going to take?
j-


I'm not trying to be rude 25. I just don't have the answer right now.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and contemplating lately. I have also been busy with work and the kids.

I'm trying to think this through as I held out hope for almost a year while having huge down moments. I guess after a year of seeing nothing change, and yes, I haven't exactly been full of change myself... I'm just questioning things.

I don't really have answers for you. I don't have answers for myself. I have made mistakes this past year and tried to pick myself back up. I guess foolishly I had hoped that this would end by the time my lease is up. But I don't see that happening now. I guess I had hoped that this would really just be a long phase that comes to an end. But I am not seeing that right now either. I guess it is dawning on me that this really is not just a phase. Not that you all haven't already said that many times before. I just didn't want to believe that it could keep up as long as it has and then some. I didn't think it would last a year. Now I have no idea how long this will go. There is no time table anymore. I played the waiting game and it was the wrong move.

Even my dad told me last night it is time to move on and put it in God's hands after a year now. He is not saying give up. He is just saying what you all have said in start figuring out what I enjoy without her. I can't keep going like this and waiting around. The few times when there might have even been a remote possibility of her letting her guard down and warming up, I eventually blew it again. She hasn't let her guard down in some time now.

My dad suggested getting back into fantasy football, watching the Dallas Cowboys, going and playing poker, immersing myself into my girls lives, etc. Its time to stop waiting. I talked to KJ (aka Wifey) on the phone last night and I am thinking about possibly going back to school. I think I already missed the starting semester. But I could get myself prepared for the winter/spring semester.

I think the hardest part is not knowing what my future holds and I'm not real sure how to get where I want in my future.

I think sometimes I feel overwhelmed by everything I think I need to accomplish and I'm not sure how to go about all of it.

I think I feel like I need to get a better career, a house, a retirement, a newer car, build muscles, excercise, find a hobby I like, do AA, C, keep my girls in C, attend all of their stuff, go to school, and some how have friends, and get involved in church. My parish is very small and it is hard to meet people when they don't have any classes or much activities going on.

Kevin

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1835907 09/11/09 12:02 AM
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I'm not trying to be rude 25. I just don't have the answer right now.


I don't really have answers for you..... I guess I had hoped that this would really just be a long phase that comes to an end. But I am not seeing that right now either. I guess it is dawning on me that this really is not just a phase. Not that you all haven't already said that many times before. I just didn't want to believe that it could keep up as long as it has and then some.

Even my dad told me last night it is time to move on and put it in God's hands after a year now. He is not saying give up. He is just saying what you all have said.....
My dad suggested getting back into fantasy football, watching the Dallas Cowboys, going and playing poker, immersing myself into my girls lives, etc. Its time to stop waiting.... I am thinking about possibly going back to school.
I think [i]the hardest part is not knowing what my future holds and I'm not
real sure how to get where I want in my future.
I think sometimes I feel overwhelmed by everything I think I need to accomplish and I'm not sure how to go about all of it.[/i]
I think I feel like I need to get a better career, a house, a retirement, a newer car, build muscles, excercise, find a hobby I like, do AA, C, keep my girls in C, attend all of their stuff, go to school, and some how have friends, and get involved in church. My parish is very small and it is hard to meet people when they don't have any classes or much activities going on.

Kevin


Kevin [/quote]

So you know, most of us have the same things going on as you do, although we are not overwhelmed by it. This is noteworthy. Kevin, I'm in need of a car within a week of today. I need a full time job here, and I aim for another degree in a totally new field just b/c I love it, but I need a credential for public schools here, I am on a diet now, and have to exercise more, I have a husband and children who like time spent together so that's pleasantly time consuming, I have a serious passionate avocation on the side, I am finishing a small (but for me, meaningful), book, I hope by Christmas. And I have one dying family member left, as well as many healthy people whom I love in my life. They all need attention. Also have numerous house projects, must somehow pay bills though mil is dying and H must take off work to see her at times and is not paid for that family leave, must argue with some of the bill senders, and attend things our older children are involved in and meet their "special new friends", and have to pay college tuition, and make sure all of the children stay in touch and that we visit our out of town son, and the rest of our family and friends while also building this new career and and and......This is called "having a full life" and for the most part it is a rich blessing. You have the freedom to change your life. BUT...

Your feelings of being overwhelmed are at the root of SOME of your behavioral issues. If you were not so overwhelmed, you'd function much better, you would not be paralyzed, you would control your emotions better when your neediness starts rising again. You'd have something other than stbxw to focus on, and not just the girls either.

All of this, literally, has been said to you before. Nothing new or revelatory here. Classes, hobbies, exercise, joining others in various ways---all been said before. Especially the schooling part b/c it covers meeting other people, doing something constructive for your career, helping you financially & getting your mind off your stbxw, but yeah, you' heard it before. (Rather than ruling it out already for this semester, call a community college or anything with rolling admissions and OR a trimester system, to see if you can go this month, or start by Thanksgiving.)

But still, the reason for such paralysis is what concerns me. By avoiding THAT inability to function, you set yourself up again for a big let down.

So really it is about when you'll get help so that normal (and "not so normal") life events, don't overwhelm you in a way that creates more chaos & stress or stagnation.

By now I thought you'd be sick and tired, of feeling sick and tired, and you are. But your response to that was what makes things worse. Instead of movement and change within, You just clung harder and then made God responsible for your happiness.

Do as those who care have suggested, but get the help you need first, or we're all wasting our time and yours.There's nothing shameful about needing tools you don't have. Get the help Kevin.

What do you think others here did to feel better? My marriage was twice as long as yours & I married my h in college. Yeah I was afraid! I took my kids to c, for them, and we took trips & did fun things without h, etc but JUST FOR ME aside from classes, and meeting new people, and travel without h---I had a great pro-M T, (who also prepared me for becoming single again, w/o feeling terrified), AND I had a great DB coach too, AND I talked to clergy AND I joined a support group, AND I came here, AND read everything I could...that's what I did for the family stuff but I took classes and began a whole new life pursuit and oh, I changed. A LOT.

I guess you could say "gee 25, what a lot of work!"...but I felt better doing all this. Mostly it didn't feel like "Work", it felt [il]ike healing[/i]. Obviously it was worth it now, but even then, it's not like I was digging in hot tar on a skyscraper's roof in boiling hot weather (My brother's description of the world's hardest work). No, I was learning about myself and God and life, and how to move on and grieve through something and how to HEAL & FORGIVE and be happy....I have tools for so much more now, not just my m.

Get some help and stop fearing it so much. Your life would be a lot easier in the long run and I daresay in the short run too.

Your stbxw says and acts as if, it's over. She has been consistent with that for the whole time and has sent no serious signals to the contrary, nor has she once expressed doubt about her course of action (unless you count civility, which I don't). You wanted to avoid any timelines b/c you said you'd "stand forever" and it does sound appealingly simple. You would not have to change, and you could hang onto your pride and maybe even pontificate about being a "stander"... But maybe now you can tell yourself what we all have said, "it's okay to move on. Does not mean you gave up or aren't standing, and for the 78th time, moving on MIGHT be the way to earn her respect anyhow." eek

BTW The relatives I know who divorced and later remarried their former spouses --they all thought it was indeed over. AND they were right- their marriages were over! It took my cousin 5 years to reconcile and the Uncle took 8 years to reconcile with my aunt. BUT NO ONE WAS WAITING those years.....they all four moved on in their lives, and improved as individuals...as far as I know, all four got c of some sort and made changes in their lives. That's why it was better the 2nd time around and why it could occur in the first place. I don't know why you fear getting psychiatric/ psychological help so much. Please don't say it's the costs. Sliding scales all around--re-read CG's post and others who posted lists of "TO DO" things for you in the past and all the resources around.

Do you recall saying you "have never really been able to be happy" ?? That's HUGE. shocked

And it'd be at the TOP of my priority list in life...Until it is a real priority in yours, it just won't happen.
j-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,975
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I think a major root of my problems is that I have always felt overwhelmed by things that other people seem to handle just fine. It does cause me paralysis and makes me want to avoid it. I think my lack of being able to organize effectively leads me into feeling overwhelmed. I have never had good organizational skills. Another complaint of my W.

I have always told her if she can direct, I will do the work when organizing things such as the house or the car for trips or whatever. This apparently didn't go over with her well over time.

She can look at a mess and clean it up and figure out where to put things. I can look at a mess and think geez, I have no idea where to start or put things. Overwhelmness kicks in for me.

It is the same way with multi tasking at work. If I get to many things at once, I am not really sure what order to do them in.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1835968 09/11/09 02:38 AM
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The other thing is I seem to have periods of memory loss this past year. People will say things whether it be my W, or friends, or at work and I just flat out won't remember at all. Even when they remind me, I still don't recall the conversation. I don't know if it is due to stress or feeling overwhelmed or just that my focus is not always there or what. But I have noticed this and it has been pointed out to me.

Don't get me wrong, I am focusing on my work. But it just seems to be conversations that I can't seem to retain at times.

I have also been told that these meds can affect your memory as well, so it could be partially that.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
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