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Originally Posted By: mishka422
but you know you make your own happiness, right?


Of which I've never been good at. I would just bury whatever it was and lie to myself that it was all ok and put on this show for the outter world to see. I'm done with that. This time I want to truly be happy. This time I want, no need to take the tragedy that is all this loss and all I've endured and make a stand and make it enough already. And it's not to just maybe get my family back. It's clearly very late for that. But if I can't, I'd just like the god honest truth once and for all and all her enigmas solved.

This is why I've finaly buckled and let a shrink start digging in and try to sort this mess out.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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I hope the phych helps you sort all of that out. An outsider looking in can get such a better grasp of things that you are getting bogged down in and guide you to resolutions. I'm very happy for you!


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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Quote:
But if I can't, I'd just like the god honest truth once and for all and all her enigmas solved.

This is why I've finaly buckled and let a shrink start digging in and try to sort this mess out.


I think a shrink can help you figure out your enigmas but not really someone else's. I think most WAS don't know/tell the truth, and don't know their own enigmas. Generally confused. In my case, I've racked my brains trying to figure out why my X is so nasty to me. I think it's best to try and detach and not even try to figure out something they don't even know for themselves probably.


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karen43 #1862669 10/27/09 12:52 AM
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Well, no call yet tonight.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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Never got a call, that's OK.

Just carrying over some thoughts from NCB's thread.

I really think these moments as such are internal conflicts for XW. As said before, there is so much hurt and confusion in her eyes at these times. Unfortunately, the company she keeps around her in friends and family apparently feed the person she has become and makes it harder to over come. They are all divorcees or care only of themselves.

I hope she may someday find someone to confide in and talk with that will listen to what she has to say. I for obvious reasons am not the person by way of conflict of interest. Even if it doesn't mean that we would have another chance, I hope someone can bring her peace.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Apr 2009
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I think the key here is to at least try and move on and quit worrying about all this. Its all about you now. Dday, like you, I'm a good looking guy. But the difference now is that I'm confident and happy. Yes, I had to make many painful changes in my life and I still feel my XW took many important things from me. But I have a new life now and it feels great!

There may be a little of your old XW in there somewhere, but maybe the woman she is now is the real XW. She's the OM problem now and it looks like to me that her infedelity with you is contributing to his insecurity. Probably, she will leave him and will be forced to look at the woman in the morror. Perhaps she will be able to finally work out her issues.

I know my XW is now alone now and hiding from her 'judgemental' family. The OM is no longer in the picture and she looks at my new life with envy. I have no doubt that at some point, she will approach me again. But this is of no consequence because this is my life and I live for my happiness. I refuse to sit around and wait for something that may not be good for me.


Formerly SGfan
M:38
W:33
M:8 yrs
T:10 yrs
Bomb: Dec '08
Separated: 4/18/09
Divorce: 8/28/09
XW Affair began: April 08
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Hey sg, nice to hear from you again, you sound well and I appreciate your imput and words.

I am becoming more confident, that is for sure, and maybe a little more happy day by day. What ever the outcome, yes, I've done time and whatever I chose, is for me and my happiness, and whomever may chose to be there along side if allow it.

Last edited by dday101798; 10/28/09 12:53 AM.

Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Sep 2008
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That said,

I'm going on a 2x4 swinging melae for a second here.........

I understand some of you have X's that are still doing some nasty stuff, and for that you have my sorrow and sypmathies.

BUT,

What did EACH and EVERY one of you come here for? What was the one objective when you came here, crying and sobbing, hurt and devastated wanting one thing more than anything else in the world?

You know, I can joke along and vent and blow off steam too, it's good for the sole and for some where there truly is no hope, well 'it is what it is'.

I may still be horrified by the things my XW has done. I may be hurt, beaten battered and brused, but folks, WTF, if for one second, just one second, the person I devoted my entire life to, yes being the same person who dismantled everything about me and our life together, can have a moment of solice and has something to say, you bet your ass I'm going to listen. I want to listen, I need to listen. Even if the end result is not what one little sliver of me still prays for, the bottom line is it may just finally bring me MY peace.

So that certainly does not mean that I'm running back and picking up that preverbial rope, not by a long shot. But I tell you what, I will sleep a lot better at night and carry on with my life to the best of ability KNOWING that all the putrid things that were said to me, about me, and of the years devoted were not true. First hand from the mouth that spewed them.

How many of us right now in your own threads feel a low sense of self worth? How many feel you aren't good enough? And lastly, how many of us did 'all those wrong things in the beginning' to attribute to those things being said in the first place?

We've all had a long road to where we all are now in our own diificult times. For some, the answer to move on, is to simply move on. To some, it's years of therapy. To each their own.

The simple fact is and I've been trying to say. I KNOW the woman I once loved with all my heart is shackled up inside the person that years of mistakes, hers and mine created. I owe it to her, myself and our children to atleast listen one time with a non-subjective ear. Whatever the outcome may be, doesn't matter. Sure it'd be great to get that 1 in how many chance to be that couple that took losing everything to regain their identity. But I'm not counting on it.

But, in keeping spirit with the reason I came here, I'm more than willing to stop making stupid mistakes that only pushes this person who has been so much a factor in my life further away. And, consequently, push the chance for our children to have a some what normal life even after all that has happened. I would rather our kids stand there 10-15 years down the road and say "yep that's my folks, they had it rough, but the pulled through, and I've learned a lot from them" versus, "yep that's my folks, they've hated each other half my life, don't understand why, but, it is what it is".


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
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Quote:
Even if the end result is not what one little sliver of me still prays for, the bottom line is it may just finally bring me MY peace.
I think you have to work on your own peace, not look to someone else to do that or help you with that.


Quote:
But I tell you what, I will sleep a lot better at night and carry on with my life to the best of ability KNOWING that all the putrid things that were said to me, about me, and of the years devoted were not true. First hand from the mouth that spewed them.
I think you should already know that all those putrid things said weren't true. Why do you need to hear that from her?

Quote:
How many of us right now in your own threads feel a low sense of self worth? How many feel you aren't good enough?
I felt horrible about myself when I first got here. My X repeatedly told me what an awful person I was, criticized me, called me names. But at some point, I realized it's not what my X thinks about me, and I decide my own feelings about myself, and I think I've got a better sense of self-worth now.



Quote:
But, in keeping spirit with the reason I came here, I'm more than willing to stop making stupid mistakes that only pushes this person who has been so much a factor in my life further away. And, consequently, push the chance for our children to have a some what normal life even after all that has happened. I would rather our kids stand there 10-15 years down the road and say "yep that's my folks, they had it rough, but the pulled through, and I've learned a lot from them" versus, "yep that's my folks, they've hated each other half my life, don't understand why, but, it is what it is".
I hope you don't think I would ever not suggest reconciliation, if possible, in any of our sitches. I know it prob. seems hard to believe but I try very hard to be neutral and not engage in stuff and try to have a polite R with my X. I would always be open to that, and hope at some point in the future we could do do that.

But I do think when there is an OP, it is best for us to detach as much as possible, and move forward. You don't seem that detached from what I read, you are very focused on what your X says or does or whatever. I've found more peace in my sitch from detachment and working on that, and I think that is true in many of our cases.

What stupid mistakes do you think you've made? I've only followed your thread for a month or 2 now I think, but I haven't seen that. In fact, you seem to be doing everything very well; very much someone to admire I think.


Last edited by karen43; 10/28/09 01:35 AM.

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karen43 #1863348 10/28/09 02:21 AM
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Karen,

I guess the message I'm trying to convey (and can't do a good job at crazy ) is that my X has not at all times fit the mold of the 'typical' X and has tried on occasions to reach out. Not reach out in a "baiting" sense either.

I know what ever the outcome, my coming out of this with my head held high depends solely on me. I also know it should not matter what she has said, and should know it to all be her perception of the time.

For me, it's going to take a long time to do that on my own.

However, as said, everyone has their own mechanics that help(ed) them through. I have mine.

I so want to just put this all behind. But, like I said, I know, and can see it in her eyes that she knows we'll regret this for a long time to come. I just don't want to be the one who took the last chance away.

And agreed, so long as OM is around, no way no how, that has been my stance all along. That is my firm boundry.

My mistakes, for some reason I can't even summarize at the moment. I'm still learning them, and hopefully if given the opportunity, I won't make this time.

I am in my own way doing well. I accept and forgive, have for some time, but more so with each passing day. That, is my detachment. I have to focus on what she says and does as it all has bearing on our kdis to whom she oversees custody of. And yes, at times, I read into things a bit much for my own good.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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