GG, I asked myself those same questions today. I saw it coming. I told my husband it was going to happen. He promised me he would never do that to me...and he did it anyway. It is something that they (and we) have to go through.
You are going to go through the grieving process...just like you would do if someone who you love had died. Go through it. Go through all of the phases. It will take you months to go through each phase and in a couple of years...you will feel stronger. Your marriage may not be completely where you want it to be but you will be strong enough to handle what is happening.
I believe that BND told you to act as if your husband has gone to IRAQ. That is really a wonderful way to look at it. If he had gone to IRAQ you probably wouldn't fight or argue with him when he e-mailed you or called you. You would probably put on your best smile and best attitude and be loving, considerate, kind...the best that you could be. AND you would probably pray for him everyday and several times a day.
Picture yourself doing that for the next four years. It's hard. But you can do it. AND while you are praying for your husband...be sure to pray for yourself as well. You can do it.
For pete's sake, give yourself some slack!! I too have been struggling lately with feelings that I had thought I got beyond. Asking myself why was I having such a hard time letting go when I don't want the man my STBXH is now, and looking back, I see the issues we had in our M that H never wanted to address (and still doesn't) so I don't want that M back either (although I do sincerely and deeply feel that we could be happy together if he was only willing).
My C helped me to see that what I am mourning is the loss of the future I (and my H) had agreed on and been working toward for the past 28 years! Of course that is not going to be easy, and it will take time......a lot of time. My C told me that it take at least two years to get through grieving at least. So, please try to remember to be kind to yourself!
And I know how you feel too about plans and houses and such. My H always wanted to have land, and 4 years before the bomb, we had bought 40 acres up on a mountain, with panoramic views. We spent the last 3 years of our M building our "dream house" up there (picked out the granite, all wood flooring, stainless appliances........). Now he is keeping that house (and his new GF is up there all the time with him working on the finishing touches). And I am here in the house we actually lived in, which needs remodeling desperately because all our funds went into building that dream. And my kids are now out of the house (my S18 having his own MLC and has moved in with friends and not going to school....). And I often feel like the one left behind to rebuild after everyone else has aboned ship!!
But, ya know what? I am coming to feel a certain amount of pride in the fact that I am here. I have come to see it as I did not abandon our home/family. I am here and will make this place mine. I raised my kids here. Re-building this place will be part of re-building myself, sort of.
Getting here took a long time, and I still cry almost daily. But, they now feel more like cleansing tears as opposed to tears of heartbreak. So, hang in there, GG. And remember, you don't have to live your whole life right this minute. Try to let the future take care of itself. You only need to live each moment...... which is good because that is really where life truly is...... in the moment!
Take care.
(((((hugs)))))
Oh, and my H was in the Navy too.....for 22 years......and I grew up in the San Diego area!
Last edited by Silent Chrleader; 09/13/0902:26 AM.
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
GG, It's normal to get upset when triggers hit you. You're going through the grieving process and with that comes periods of sadness, crying, hurting and yes, even some depression. It takes time and it's not something you can click your fingers and have disappear. You have to work through it, not around it. With that being said, feel the pain and loss and then allow it wash over you and let it go. Each time you do this, you will become stronger.
As for wanting to grow old w/your husband...you don't know what the future holds for the both of you. After he's completed his growth period, you two just might get back together. Some divorce and then remarry, others stay friends, etc. You have to have faith, hope and patience throughout this time. No one can predict the future, but you can leave the door ajar and make your home a safe place for him to land.
G, right now, it's important that you keep the focus on you. Think about today and what you want to do and go from there. The future is too far off to even think about today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Everyone, Thanks...I'm doing much better today. H sent an e-mail apologizing for not being able to go to the cabin this weekend. Guess we'll try for next Sunday...he says. I want to bring back the armoire from the cabin so I can ditch the old tv I have to stare at and get a flat screen to put inside it. I'll see if he'll go for that. Can always ask I guess???
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
1. SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT- As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING- Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
7 Stages of Grief...
5. THE UPWARD TURN- As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE- During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
7 stages of grief...
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
So, today h e-mails wanting to come to the house to get some files and his mail. I think he hasn't forwarded his mail because I refused to put the bills in MY name, so they would then go to his house and, of course, I wouldn't make any effort to come get them... He wants to come on Thursday at 2 pm when I would not be home; he wants my mom to let him in.
My thoughts are that this is totally unacceptable, manipulative, and disrespectful. He doesn't want me to step near HIS place, but he feels totally fine asking to come over to MY place whenever he wants. He has said this is because he is still paying for it. I think he's just nuts....
Advice, please...before I respond?
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Totally understand where you are coming from, my H is still paying for our house, the one he walked away from! The other week after I told him I couldnt meet him he arranged a lunch date with S(21) so he could come to the house and meet him. Wasnt impressed one jot, I dont even know H's address just the area he is living in. Think my answer would be "thanks for offering to pick the mail up, but if you give me a forwarding address I will see it gets sent on to you" end of discussion. As Nell is fond of saying short blunt and nothing else! Unfortunately for me H used live here so still has a key!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
