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#1833830 - 09/08/09 05:38 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: Jman]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: Jman
The W is acting like everything is ok except no affection and does not want to show herself naked in front of me. We are talking but not talking about R stuff I will not bring it up anymore bc nothing good has come out of it. I am just waiting it out and enjoying whenever I go out with friends.

How is your sit? How was your weekend?

Jman


Jman,

The weekend went well. Spent all day Saturday with the kids at my Mom's house for a party. Lots of nice people and great food. Very nice. W was not invited and spent the day alone at our place cleaning house. Went to church then motorcycle riding with my son on Sunday. Kicked back and relaxed most of the day today. So overall a nice weekend.

Nothing much to say to my W beyond communicating the bare essentials. Certainly no R talk since Friday (see my prior post).

Glad to hear you had a good weekend yourself.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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#1833852 - 09/08/09 07:01 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: iwantittowork]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Quote:
God, I have written these same things myself in my sitch. I feel for you man. I really do, I am sitting on the couch with my W and d8 tonight, if you peeked in, you would think we were still a couple, and and it's just sinking in that she is going to try and clean me out.


IWITW,

You have my sympathy too. My sitch is the same way- unless you knew what was going on with me and my W, you'd think everything is "normal". It's bizarre. Never thought I'd ever find myself in a sitch like this- my worst nightmare. Like you, my W is going to hit me hard financially not to mention fight hard to stop me from getting 50% custody of my kids. I have to admit, as hard as I'm trying to detach, it's HARD not feeling pi$$ed off at the emotional and financial destruction my W is going to wreak on BOTH of us and the kids if this D goes through. I've been very responsible with our family finances and if left alone, she and I could retire well by age 60. And as for our kids- well, all three were well adjusted, happy and doing good in school- until my W's A. Now S9 for sure is going to need some counseling; not sure yet about S11- he's more quiet and internalizes things. D3 will be the least affected of the three. I could go on and on about how blessed we are- how blessed my W has been. But no, as far as my W is concerned, her whole life sucks and so does her M and so does her H.

You know, IWITW, the more I think about it the more I'm starting to question why I'm fighting for my M. Like I've told my W before, there are A TON of women who would love to have Big John be THEIR problem... and that is WITHOUT the personal improvements currently underway. There are A TON of women who would love to be a part of a beautiful family like ours and have all the blessings my W currently enjoys. The fact that my W has been absolutely DESPICABLE and SELFISH in her words and behavior since the beginning of her A not to mention completely ungrateful is frankly getting REALLY OLD. Add to it that my W seems to be accepting of the impending devastation of D on all of us without a care or worry whatsoever and I have to wonder sometimes if I really do want her in my life anymore.

Quote:
We can't show them how much this affects us, correct? How do we take the offense here to protect ourselves?


Every time we let it slip how pissed off we are or how worried or mad we are, it benefits them more than us. Because it demonstrates to them that we still care and they still have us over a barrel. Become disinterested- drop the rope- and suddenly thing aren't quite as comfortable.

As far as protecting ourselves, I think it starts will being proactive across the board, getting educated and then developing a solid game plan to minimize the damage to us as best we can. That and securing a good attorney.

Quote:
I am calling the mediator tomorrow myself, to try and setup one last attempt at it. I am not holding out much hope. The thought of how much money I will have to hand over to her weekly is making me physically sick to my stomach. She gets to walk with a bagful of cash, new boobs, new car, and leaves me holding the bills. How in the hell is this going to be fair to me?


Mediation may be the best route for you to start with, however in my sitch I look at it as my fall back position. The reason is that mediation is all about compromise- which isn't necessarily a bad thing- however there are some things I will not compromise on (i.e. 50% custody of my kids). Once I'm done battling for what I won't compromise on and all that is left are things I will consider compromising on, then we can talk about mediation. Of course, I'm still hoping things won't get that far in the process.

As far as fairness goes, I think the best we can do is make things as less unfair as we possibly can.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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#1833930 - 09/08/09 12:17 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 11052
BJ, I will talk more later, but for now I want to remind you to not allow yourself to be rescue your WAW who is in crisis. She is putting the blame on your for her OM dumping her and she's made it clear she doesn't want to reconcile with you. She needs to experience what it is like to be alone and not wanted by you.

I see she is still using D3 to be her little tool in telling you how "mommy" is feeling.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#1834063 - 09/08/09 03:26 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: sandi2]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: sandi2
BJ, I will talk more later, but for now I want to remind you to not allow yourself to be rescue your WAW who is in crisis. She is putting the blame on your for her OM dumping her and she's made it clear she doesn't want to reconcile with you. She needs to experience what it is like to be alone and not wanted by you.

I see she is still using D3 to be her little tool in telling you how "mommy" is feeling.



Sandi,

Great to hear from you. Hope you had a great Labor Day weekend. Yes, that is the plan- no rescuing my W. I can't- she has to crash and burn in order to "get it". Besides, I'm not counting on my W's break up with OM to last anyways. Both my W and OM are so desperate for each others attention and OM to have his ego stroked at any cost that it is not practical to think that they WON'T cease contact for very long.

Talk to you soon.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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#1834102 - 09/08/09 03:55 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
BJ, BJ, BJ....

Despite all that is going on and taking form to happen, I highly suggest you find a route to realese your pent up anger at it. Maybe you are doing so by posting it here (which is absolutely fine), but you need to find an outlet for it, get it out before it trips a fuse soon enough.

Yes it completely bites that she does not see nor care to think of the implications facing before you both should the D go through. I'll tell you, each court date that went by, XW went from crying at the first to ZERO emotion on 'Judgement Day'. She must have downed 300 valuumes or something to stand there, lifeless and cold and profess to he entire room that the last 11 years of her life were so horrid and that there was no chance at things being repaired. Watching that, standing within a few mere feet of her, I damn near broke out in tears wanting to shake every ounce of snese in to her that I could muster, but to no avail, it would have been pointless.

I tell you what tho, with your W and OM on the rocks, brother I'd be making myself out to look completely over her if I were you. How crushing would that be to her ego system? "gee, OM doesn't want me, nor does by LBH, who was supposed to be there to catch my fall, what to do? This isn't what I planned" would be my first guess, maybe I'm way off for you sitch, but in mine there were a couple of occasions where XW and OM were going at it, and me like a dummy screwed up my opportunities and boosted her ego back up to go back to him.

Make sense?

As far as the fallout goes, well, that's where I'm at, financially ruined, posessionless, practically childless, but free from the tyrany of XW's blind insanity. She lives in the aftermath of her own mess. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it has to get really hard sometimes to stare your kids in the face and know you are the responsible party for forever messing up the rest of their lives.
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1834103 - 09/08/09 03:57 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
iwantittowork Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 827
Loc: Massachusetts
Not trying to hijack here BJ, but I wanted to post this here, as posts from Sandi and people like her, and yourself, have been at the heart of me realizing something this morning that has blown me away. It's helping me with the emotion of the past couple of days, and maybe could be a piece to your own puzzle help, even though our sitch's, lives, the people we are are different.

Quote:
However, I just woke up in a cold sweat, as I just realized something.

As I look at my W currently, I see where my anger and resentment now comes from.

Where was this women throughout our R? This is the women I new existed, but never could find. Not saying she is perfect, and with her needed to leave me its certainly not so.

She's confident, super attractive, and the current commitment and dedication to the things she is doing are higher than I have ever seen.

The house is cleaner than its ever been, she cleans her car, works out, is going to classes she wants to take, looking into career options, went to some real estate classes, and on and on.

All things that were completely missing from her in our R. I tried so hard to get some of that out of her, taking her even to real estate classes when we started looking at investment properties, countless times asking her what she wanted to do, where she wanted to go, to take some pride in what we had already, and try and maintain it.

That resentment from me over this I see now, and needs to be cleared somehow. She's going to live a great life. Without me. The one that I had been trying to find for us, and in her, our whole relationship!

Damn that hurts, and now I know why I need to work on GAL stuff as well, I can't wallow around in pity and misplaced pride. The only thing I can hope to do is live a great life without her too.

I see the woman I always new was there now, and it hurts bad that she thinks she needs to leave to be that woman.
_________________________
M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."

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#1834516 - 09/09/09 02:36 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: dday101798]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: dday101798
BJ, BJ, BJ....

Despite all that is going on and taking form to happen, I highly suggest you find a route to realese your pent up anger at it. Maybe you are doing so by posting it here (which is absolutely fine), but you need to find an outlet for it, get it out before it trips a fuse soon enough.


Dday,

Thanks for the feedback. Posting here, going to the gym and debriefing with a few close friends is how I find my release. Even still, if I think about things long enough, yeah I still get pi$$Sed. Not enough to blow a gasket though.

Quote:
I tell you what tho, with your W and OM on the rocks, brother I'd be making myself out to look completely over her if I were you.


Agreed. And that is precisely what I am doing. Keeping cool, being polite when I have to talk to her, but reserved and disinterested. I've started thinking recently like a bachelor again- about how things were in the past -before I M my W- when I'd break up with a G/F, eventually I'd find another one just as cute and sweet in her own way as the previous one. It'll be kind of the same thing again to some degree if I do D from my W. I know there are a lot of good women out there who would appreciate me for who I am and what I have to offer. So this seems to help a little bit.

Quote:
She lives in the aftermath of her own mess. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it has to get really hard sometimes to stare your kids in the face and know you are the responsible party for forever messing up the rest of their lives.


Absolutely. I agree with you 100% regarding the kids. What's advantageous about my sitch is that all three of my kids mostly look like me, especially the eyes. No doubt who the father is, plus if my W ever hooks up with OM, he'll stick out like the proverbial genital wart that he is. Oh woops, there I go again being judgmental. What is it about your posts that get the better of me Dday? Anyways my W has and is going to continue to have three sets of my eyes looking at her every step of the way and beyond.

Thanks for stopping by.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

Top
#1834534 - 09/09/09 03:16 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: iwantittowork]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
Not trying to hijack here BJ, but I wanted to post this here, as posts from Sandi and people like her, and yourself, have been at the heart of me realizing something this morning that has blown me away. It's helping me with the emotion of the past couple of days, and maybe could be a piece to your own puzzle help, even though our sitch's, lives, the people we are are different.

Quote:
As I look at my W currently, I see where my anger and resentment now comes from.

Where was this women throughout our R? This is the women I new existed, but never could find. Not saying she is perfect, and with her needed to leave me its certainly not so.

She's confident, super attractive, and the current commitment and dedication to the things she is doing are higher than I have ever seen.

The house is cleaner than its ever been, she cleans her car, works out, is going to classes she wants to take, looking into career options, went to some real estate classes, and on and on.

All things that were completely missing from her in our R. I tried so hard to get some of that out of her, taking her even to real estate classes when we started looking at investment properties, countless times asking her what she wanted to do, where she wanted to go, to take some pride in what we had already, and try and maintain it.

That resentment from me over this I see now, and needs to be cleared somehow. She's going to live a great life. Without me. The one that I had been trying to find for us, and in her, our whole relationship!

Damn that hurts, and now I know why I need to work on GAL stuff as well, I can't wallow around in pity and misplaced pride. The only thing I can hope to do is live a great life without her too.

I see the woman I always new was there now, and it hurts bad that she thinks she needs to leave to be that woman.




IWITW,

I've seen the same behavior with my own W. I've even called her on it, especially the working out and the tan. Where the hell was all of this dedication and hard work before the A? It's amazing how the WAWs will gripe about how their Hs didn't take the initiative to make improvements themselves before the chaos but can't see themselves from the same perspective. Same with the "too little/too late" attitude when the Hs start taking corrective measures in the midst of the crisis while the WAWs work their butts off getting as physically fit as they can possibly be.

Where I disagree with the poster of that quote is when he assumes that his WAW is "going to live a great life". There are several reasons why I don't necessarily think my W is going to "live a great life" if she blows up our family with a D. Not that I wish my W a life of suffering post D- I don't- however I do wish to see her reap everything she sows- to be held accountable.

First and foremost is the fact that my W (and yours) are cheaters. They broke all of the covenants they made with us when they married us. Their marriage vows were and will always be the most sacred and important promises they have made in their lives- and they couldn't honor them. You and I on the other hand have honored our marriage vows.

Secondly is the fact that both of our Ws put their own welfare and selfish desires ahead of their Hs, kids and family. You and I have done the opposite.

I could go on, but you get the idea. This kind of despicable behavior by our Ws hardly lays the foundation for a future full of happiness. If I was a betting man, I'd lay heavy odds that you and I have a better shot at long term happiness than our WAWs do. JMHO.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

Top
#1834667 - 09/09/09 12:33 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Originally Posted By: BigJohn
What is it about your posts that get the better of me Dday?


Well, all I can really say is that there are a lot of similarities in nearly everyone's stories on here, yours in dangerously close to mine, and I guess I'm just trying to feed in all the mistakes I made to maybe, just maybe help yours out, you know, kind of the pay it forward approach.

I think it wasn't until my final thread I have going now in surviving that I did not lose my anger and frustration with the situation, and it damn near destroyed me. It's certanly done enough damage to the 'friendship' between my XW and I, so even if your M can't be saved, you may at least be better off in that sense. Wether your W likes it or not, you will always have 3 reasons to be in contact with each other and have to function together to a certain degree. I sumarize my sitch now as 'the war' is over, there is nothing left to fight about anymore, but we must exist as peacefuly as possible as neighbors on the planet called parenthood.

I'll have to find my thread in this forum as I'm sure I had a bit of ranting and carrying on that got me NOWHERE but delayed on the road to recovery (surviving). And I like you, at the time said to myself and everyone that I was fine and wouldn't blow a gasket, then all the sudden out of nowhere, it would happen, over and over, it just was a matter of time.

Maybe you are doing what is best for how you handle things, I don't know. I would say tho, be careful who and what you confide in with 'friends'. Best 'worst' case scinerio, they get worn out and turn away. Worst 'worst' case scinerio, they leak things back to your W, as unfathomable as you make think so, it DOES happen. The thought of D can be a scary concept to some people looking from the outside in, maybe something of their childhood, who knows, but they will report to W (perhaps indirectly amongst themselves) thinking they are helping protect you, when in fact it's doing the exact opposite. 'Nother lesson learned the hard way.
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1834809 - 09/09/09 03:27 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: dday101798]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: dday101798
[quote=BigJohn] What is it about your posts that get the better of me Dday?


Quote:
Well, all I can really say is that there are a lot of similarities in nearly everyone's stories on here, yours in dangerously close to mine, and I guess I'm just trying to feed in all the mistakes I made to maybe, just maybe help yours out, you know, kind of the pay it forward approach.


Dday,

I appreciate all of your feedback, especially since you have already been down the path I'm on. I feel like I'm doing pretty good managing my emotions right now. If things were to start going sideways I think I have a pretty good support system I can count on in addition to the aforementioned outlets.

I can't say what my R with my W will be should we get D. I'm sure it will eventually be amicable. But, I don't think we will be close if for no other reason than she disappointed me and our kids as a person on such a massive scale.

I agree that after a certain point, ranting looses it's value and it becomes a drag on your personal progress. I chose to blow off some of my excess steam here, particularly with regards to OM, since he is such a complete jerk off. I also agree with leaning on friends and family too much- gotta be a little careful or you will burn people out.

Thanks Dday.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

Top
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