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#1835992 - 09/10/09 11:22 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Sorry I missed that Bill.

Still, don't see any harm in her going.
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M13
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#1835998 - 09/10/09 11:31 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: givingitmyall]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Hey, no problem smile

Man, she's really shaken up that I opened an independent checking account. This really bothers her.

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#1836006 - 09/10/09 11:43 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Quote:
Man, she's really shaken up that I opened an independent checking account. This really bothers her.


Let her deal with it. Don't try to fix it for her. And that goes for all the consequences of HER choice.

I'm not suggesting this out of spite. But, a little does of reality can work wonders.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
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Bomb 4/20/09
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#1836021 - 09/11/09 12:33 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: givingitmyall]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Hopefully. Yeah, she took a bath and then disappeared without even saying goodnight. That's new behavior. I think this really got to her.

Good or bad??

Yeah she took back the suggestion that we put my lawyer's fees on her credit card.

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#1836098 - 09/11/09 09:01 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
I think it's good. It's a tiny, tiny view of reality for her. I think that's a good thing. I think she does have a certain picture in her mind of how stuff is going to go, so when you put a little chink in that, it's a good thing.

Not rubbing her back was excellent. I think her comment was directed at you to get you to massage her. Good for you for not doing that. Again, she needs to get used to the fact that if you D you won't be giving her massages. A good thing. Better to just not do it than to say anything. Actions speak louder than words.

I think it's ok to go on this outing once if you think you can go, be positive, focus on the kids, and no R talk; but I wouldn't make a regular habit of it. I think she is envisioning you will keep up that kind of stuff after the D so maybe gradually stop doing those kind of activities so she might realize that will not be your plan. Be taking the kids to the zoo by yourself; have your own activities planned with the kids.

I think MC is great; but from so many people here I've seen them go to MC when there's an OP and I don't think I've ever seen positive outcomes from that. And a lot of times the MC will buy into the WAS thinking and encourage divorce, so it can even be harmful. I've read, although Sara is the one that would know, that couples that go to Retroville I don't think can have an OM or OW involved, but I'm not 100% sure on that.
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#1836101 - 09/11/09 09:05 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida

Quote:
So my choices are to make things so uncomfortable about this that she does move out (which I've almost gotten there), or focus on DBing for the time being.


By making things uncomfortable do you mean you're not massaging her or comforting her as she tries to destroy your family? I think you should be working on detaching, GALing, and focusing on your kids. DBing is crucial I think, work on changing yourself in positive ways, work on improving yourself, and being the best dad you can be. I think DBing should include a chapter on boundaries and being strong and confident. I don't think the most effective DBing occurs when one is a doormat, but when one is strong and confident.
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#1836252 - 09/11/09 12:39 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: karen43]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Guys - things are not good.

W was still upset this morning. So we talked briefly - she says she's thinking about keeping her lawyer. After the events of the weekend, and learning that I opened a checking account and put money in there, she wants the lawyers to fight about things instead of us. She says we can't talk about any of this without shutting down. She says she know there are bad feelings coming out, etc.

We're farther from each other than ever now. The trust is eroding. She sees me as unpredictible right now.

I feel sick. God, I feel like I've got down exactly the wrong path. Yes, I've shown her now that we're not going to be friends. I don't know what that's gotten me.

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#1836270 - 09/11/09 12:56 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
Coach Offline
Member

Registered: 07/18/08
Posts: 5299
Quote:
She sees me as unpredictible right now.


That's awesome news! This isn't going according to her plan. She expected you to just roll over and take it. Time for her to put on the BGPs. Show her you won't be friends if she divorces you - her choice. You want to be her husband ,lover and friend but that only happens if you are married.
It's also good she is upset. Means she is conflicted. You are being watched so you need to be confident, strong and wise. You can handle it.

Cheers

ps quit assuming the worst
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Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

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#1836278 - 09/11/09 01:03 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: Coach]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
OK

I tried to call her cell, to tell her I'm sick about all this. But I didn't leave a message or anything. I guess I need to stick this out.

I told her this morning that I can work with her for mediation, that she doesn't need this lawyer.

She wants to sit down this weekend and talk about how we're going to split things out. She says that she's willing to put every last of her dollars into the boys, while I'm making sounds about pushing back on support - that we should look at daycare for the boys, and let the ride the bus, so she can work vs. letting her take care of them. She's worried about me strong-arming her, and there's nobody in her corner if she gives up the lawyer and goes for mediation.

SHe wants to use the stock sale money to pay the bills. I said that's fine, I don't have an issue with that, but we should have some in reserve for contengencies. THat is, she thinks I'm making a control play to hide money.

I'll see her again tomorrow, not tonight.

I do not feel good about all this.

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#1836306 - 09/11/09 01:37 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida


Quote:
W was still upset this morning. So we talked briefly - she says she's thinking about keeping her lawyer. After the events of the weekend, and learning that I opened a checking account and put money in there, she wants the lawyers to fight about things instead of us. She says we can't talk about any of this without shutting down. She says she know there are bad feelings coming out, etc.
She's going to keep her L that supposedly filed all that stuff although she told him to do the opposite, and then he didn't give her notice of the court date? That same L? Cause that doesn't make sense.

Sounds like she's upset you're not following the script, rolling over and letting her follow her plan. I do think that's good. You haven't done anything underhanded, merely tried to protect yourself right? Nothing to feel bad about that--you should do that.

What does she mean by bad feelings coming out? Have you been mean to her or yelling at her or something or has she been acting like that with you? Then maybe Ls are a good idea. If not, then are the bad feelings just b/c you're not going along with her?



Quote:
We're farther from each other than ever now. The trust is eroding. She sees me as unpredictible right now.
You're not following her script. The trust is eroding; um I've told you this before; she's been lying to you, cheating, trying to break apart your family. She has eroded the trust in your R. If she's suggesting you opening your own account when she's already filed for D that you've eroded the trust--that is ridiculous!!!


Quote:
I feel sick. God, I feel like I've got down exactly the wrong path. Yes, I've shown her now that we're not going to be friends. I don't know what that's gotten me.
The one who's gone down the wrong path is your W. What have you done but not massage her yesterday? Open your own bank account after she filed for D? I don't get that. I think she feels more comfortable when you are following her script; but I don't see why you would want to make it more comfortable for her to break up your family?
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