W had agreed to go out with me this weekend. Tonight I looked at the babysitter's phone number and said - do you really want to do this, or are you just humoring me?
She said, well if you put it that way... We can skip it.
She seemed mildly agitated for a moment.
yeah, I cancelled our date.
Feeling angry now, thinking about the legal stuff. Seems going on a date with her would be just too painful.
Of course, her complaint used to be that I never called the babysitter. I hope I did the right thing.
Told her that, I had said before I don't know what I look like on the other side of this - but now I do, and I know I'm going to be OK. I'm sad because I don't want to not miss her.
She offered a hug, but I waved her away -
Told her that we're about to go through this process, the legal and financial part of this. We come out the other side, we're not going to be friends, we're not going to be family.
And I said, I've got to stop loving you.
Well, she said she'd always be open to being friends; she wasn't sure what else to say or do because I wouldn't ler her hug me.
Crap. I said all this because I meant it.
I'm sending the tax info to my lawyer; I'm preparing to protect myself. For once I'm starting to feel like myself again, seeing myself as an indepdendent person and being OK with that.
I was really struggling with seeing this legal process as an act of betrayal - here's the woman I'm supposed to provide for, to partner with, and I'm gearing up to fight her. She's expecting some ridculous amount of support, and telling herself that she's going easy.
If I don't let go, and we go through this, I'm going to hate her. I've got to stop giving up myself here. Right now I've got to focus on my needs.
The funny thing is, after awhile, I went out and watched TV with her. Sat on the other side of the room. She was sniffling just a little, after awhile she laid down on the couch with her head towards me - have never seen her do this before - almost like she was trying to get closer to me. Tried to chat a little. When the show was over, she said thanks for coming out and watching with me.
Feel like I took some of my power back tonight. I had given it all up.
I'm not out of the game. I'm just starting to see things differently.
Retro is 10/9. Waiting for them to confirm the registration.
Well, it's definitely true - I get closer, she pulls away. I pull away, she gets closer.
After our talk on Thursday, I guess she was really down yesterday. Last night, she started by seeking out hugs, progressed to pulling me down to sit with her on the couch, and finally to climbing on top of me, and stayed there hugging me. She rubbed my feet, spend some time being close which we watched TV. All initiated by her.
Told me again, she felt like she can't bear to lose me, that I've been the most stable relationship in her life.
It impressed her that she saw me cry a little on Thursday - she said - you never cry - I never saw you cry even when your mother passed.
Yeah, I have that urge again to go get into bed with her this morning, but it's not so strong. Going to let her come to me. If she does.
Wow, good day. We all went up to Apple Hill, which is a collection of apple farms up in the foothills. Kids had a good time, W and I had a good time...
So W says, too bad we cancelled the babysitter for tonight, she wants to go out and have fun with me alone. So - I set it up, we're going out tonight. Because W asked to.
Leading up to last night - Thursday I cancelled our date for this weekend, and gave my W the speech about how we're not going to be friends.
Friday she was really clingy to me.
Yesterday, we went out as a family, and W said she did want to go out, so I called the babysitter.
Last night - we went to see a movie. Normal stuff. We went to dinner. I had a beer, W had a glass of wine. Had a good time. Then we decided we wanted to stay out. Had an idea of where to go, but as we were exiting the complex, I saw a friend of mine performing on the patio of a resturant - I said, hey that's Tim, we parked the car and went in.
I had another beer, W had another glass of wine, we had a great conversation, told each other all the things we like about each other, started singing along to the songs. W got a 3rd glass of wine - after a brief rain, we went back out and sat next to each other on a bench - W kissed me - so we made out. A lot. Right there in public, on the wet bench. Every so often, she said things like, this is not like you, you've never kissed me like that, why haven't you taken me out like this before, we should do this more.
Came home - I took the babysitter home, W changed into "nice" underwear - said she bought it for me a long time ago - and we ML.
Now - here's the kicker. Immediately afterwards, she viewed this as a mistake. Kept saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you, this doesn't feel right, I was so lonely, I was being selfish, I'm so drunk... she got into the bathtub - I got in with her - and she was completely into the "this was a mistake mode." Oh, and she's dreading telling her therapst of all things. Said I'd need to give her some space today, if she wasn't able to look me in the eye...
