My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[BeingMe]

Hi H'mama! It's so hard maintaining friendships after a D, especially with married friends. I would suggest making new friends. Ones who don't know about your D, and you can just have lighthearted conversations with. Where to meet said friends? (I am sure you know about all these, but it may be worth the reminder.) I suggest the following places (it helped me in new countries and, hence, new cities):

Toastmasters: you get to interact with people and learn to speak in public too. Helped me a lot.

Book Club

Church - I know you have a history there, but perhaps if some new ladies join, you could be the one befriending them.

Political Organizations - if you are interested in politics, perhaps you can volunteer.

Meetup Groups such as http://www.meetup.com/Indysingles/ which point out that they are not a dating service, only for singles to go places and have fun as a group - There are many other meetup groups and I would've definitely tried the sushi meetup group, but that's just me.

Red Hat Society - http://www.redhatsociety.com/members/bonusBroadcast_081707.html - this is the one for women like us, still active and over 50.

Anyway, that's my 2c worth for today. I know how hard it is to adjust after a D, and also where there's no family. It really sucks! Hope you're having a good weekend. Really think about some of these ideas, get out there and live. I wish my little town had meetup groups. Dash darn it. But, I have school to go to next week.

[hoosiermama]

Thanks, BeingMe. I appreciate the ideas. Part of my problem is that I'm perpetually broke, and I have D13 with me most of the time--and her visits with her dad are rarely planned far in advance. She's there when it's convenient for him, and I don't know when that will be more than a couple of days in advance, if that. it's further isolating, but I can't exactly find it in me to mind it!

oooh--sushi meetup group. I could love that! lol--the Toastmasters thing...I used to teach adults and have spoken at state conferences, and have talked in church and done funerals. not that I couldn't be better at it, but it's not something I have never done.

sigh...my professor friend wrote me about several things, unfortunately including having met and recently dated an "amazing, beautiful lady." He was telling me that she dumped him--but it's hard to hear. Not that he shouldn't date--it's just hard to hear. I just have this dread of getting an email that he's met someone wonderful and is in love (altho he says he's not ready, I know how lonely this time is). He's telling me this because he can talk with me about anything--which is good--but I'm not always ready to hear everything. Where we stand is that we care very much for each other, we have an amazingly close relationship, we have feelings we're not ready to label--but we're in no position to pursue anything deeper with each other besides just getting to know each other better. But we're 800 miles apart with no plans to get together again any time soon, and there are "amazing, beautiful ladies" right there. I hate being this insecure! I know I have a lot of healing to do before getting into any kind of relationship--but there's so much potential here that I can't help but hope we end up together when we're both in a better place. And unfortunately, because I feel so isolated generally, it's even more difficult to remain detached here. It's a dangerous place to be.

Any words of wisdom? Anyone?

[BeingMe]

Hi H'mama! Toastmasters is great for meeting people, not just for learning to speak in public (although we all can sharpen that tool). And, if you're good at it, then you could help others learn.

Although D13 is usually with you and you never know when she will be with her dad, does not mean you can't make a plan to be somewhere one night in the week or a day on the weekend. I am sure she can stand to be alone for a couple of hours (she is over 12 now) or you can tell her dad that that night he must have her.

It does sound like your male friend could be a possibility. And, wouldn't that be wonderful?! But, the reason I am beating the drum of going out, meeting new people, is that he may not be the one. And, I would hate for you to "wait" and then be disappointed. It looks like he is not exactly "waiting" until he is ready before dating. (And, I suspect that he may be a tad overbearing in that regard, like your XH ---- he is a professor and they are not known for their flexibility in thought or small egos --- I could be wrong about this one, and you know him best, but a few things you wrote, put a flag up for me.)

Also, your daughter is going into the teen phase, and I know teens. They generally don't want to hang around mom or dad, and since dad isn't there, you are the one that's going to be left on her own. It's bad enough as it is now. Believe me, I hardly see my D16 even when she's right here at home. I like that she's independent, has loads of friends, is busy with things like air cadets, school, etc. but I miss her sometimes. For example, we used to lie on my bed and watch our favourite program (Star Trek: Voyager) every night. None of that anymore. Now she is more interested in her dad (if any parent) 'cause he has the motorbike, and drives her to go flying the gliders, and so on. Just know that this is coming, although it may be different for you. All my kids were the same in varying degrees, but I was closest to D16 and didn't think it would happen with her. Yeah, right!

Try and go for things that don't cost anything, or cost very little. Just get out there, just one night/day a week. Have something for yourself. Live for yourself, not your daughter (who will be leaving for college within the next 5 years) or any other person. Show her how a woman reacts to a man abandoning her. She moves on through the pain and GAL.

Take care.

[hoosiermama]

Thanks again, BeingMe. There's a lot of wisdom in what you say. I just don't seem to be able to get myself out there like I should. I'm aware I'm probably making excuses, and the bottom line is that I just don't have the emotional energy to figure it all out and do it. So much else is pulling on me too.

I know that D13 will eventually "get a life" herself, and that will be a happy day. She's isolated right now--small school, mean girls, all that stuff. Painful to watch, on top of everything else. It's funny--I've always been so independent, so able to do everything on my own, but a couple of years ago I had a freak accident and dislocated my shoulder, requiring surgery...anyway, it left me feeling really vulnerable in a way I never had before. And I'm kinda performing without a net here. So I've pulled in, don't want to take any risks. It's gotten much better, but it's still there. No longer adventurous. And this isn't exactly what I want to be modeling for my daughter, but I'm kind of doing the best I can at the moment.

I'm not really "waiting" for my friend; it probably seems that way. But my not getting out isn't really related to him at all. I think he's following the script you've laid out for me--getting out, bolstering his self-esteem and trying to heal. And we're both kind of trying to figure out this relationship because we're both carrying a lot of baggage, and while it feels very safe and comfortable neither of us is really open to moving it forward quickly at all. And I have a lot of abandonment baggage--had it before xH abandoned us, and it's twice as bad now! The distance between us probably keeps me from mucking it up too badly, and it's probably good practice. I just need to deal with my issues, my insecurity, and my depression.

I'd be very interested to hear about the flags you noticed. I have a tendency not to pick up on things! He's a behavioral scientist, has had years of therapy, and I've never known him to have all that much of an ego. Very left-brained, but believe me--xH was a narcissist, and one thing that makes my friend so attractive is that I sense none of that in him. As for flexibility, I'm not really in a position to know. I do know he's overwhelmed with life, as I am, but handling it in a different way.

I'm trying hard, I really am. I thought I'd be further along at this point, 17 months out. At this point I'm not so much grieving the loss of my marriage, but the loss of the whole rest of my life that went along with it.

[BeingMe]

One flag for me is that he told you about this "wonderful, beautiful woman" who dumped him ---- knowing that you have issues with abandonment and that "[you]'re both kind of trying to figure out this relationship because [you]'re both carrying a lot of baggage, and while it feels very safe and comfortable neither of [your are] really open to moving it forward quickly at all." He is a behavioral scientist, yet he feels comfortable telling you he is dating and was dumped by that someone. I'm kinda struggling with that a bit. Why would he tell you that, knowing how sensitive you are to this sort of behaviour?

I will go through your other posts and see what else peaked my ears (I am not, BTW, saying he isn't a good friend, but as for a R, I just wonder). In the meantime, go to a bookstore and while browsing, say "hi" to someone, anyone. 'Kay!?

[BeingMe]

Just takes one step out the door, one friendly word and a big smile. Sometimes, the 180's in life starts there. I have seen that in my own life.

And don't fear --- know that you are in this place for a reason, but fear is holding you back. Be bold!

[hoosiermama]

Thank you! I'm fine at work--rather outgoing most of the time, have some almost-friends there (or potential friends? don't know how to put it).

As for why he told me about that...that's a good question. It was part of an explanation about it not devastating him when she said she couldn't see him any more, which was part of a larger explanation of healing. Why do I REALLY think he told me? to reinforce that he's not ready for a relationship (at least not the kind he'd have with me) and he is trying to put himself out there as he wants me to do (altho I think he might just freak out if I did). He also feels like I'm the person he can talk with about anything (so, what does that tell him?) and if we're not defining this as a "relationship" then it's probably okay. But honestly? It's a way to keep me at a distance. I hate to project motivations, because that's a "thinking error" that has gotten me into trouble elsewhere in the past. But that's what it feels like. Perhaps I should ask him.

[hoosiermama]

Okay, here's what he wrote (part of a much longer and rather theologically oriented note):

"So something else happened that I am strangely not upset by. I have gone out with a lady a couple of times over the past month. She's amazing: smart, interesting, and beautiful. But we talked tonight and she shared that she's still attached to her past love and she doesn't want to see me any more. And, while the rejection is a bit painful, I'm actually ok. I guess I'm learning that if God isn't in it, it's not supposed to work. And if He is IN it, nothing can stop it. So we had a couple of nice dates and I can let go. I know that God is in control of this and I'm fine with it. I still hate being alone, but not so much that I will "settle" for someone that God hasn't ordained for me. It's all in His perfect timing. So I got dumped, but I'm ok with it. Does that indicate maturity or a pathological detachment? LOL"

My response was that it's difficult for me to "hear" about romantic involvement. And that since we're feeling our way through whatever this is we have, I needed to tell him that.

No response so far.

[BeingMe]

Okay, this may be obvious, but if his statement below is true, then I would just regard this guy as a friend and forget any romance:

And if He is IN it, nothing can stop it.

Because if "God is in it", then nothing would stop a R with you. But, of course, this is how he is turning it around in his mind, and maybe he doesn't think of this with regard to you and he. But, maybe "His perfect time" would bring about a R with you? IOW, the timing isn't right yet.

I wrote more, but I cut it out because I want to think more about this. If nothing else, you have a good friend that understands how you must be feeling.

Just think about this though --- he has had his rebound R and it wasn't with you.

Take care.

[hoosiermama]

Yeah, I took it as the timing isn't right yet. I don't know that this "couple of dates" would count as a whole relationship in terms of rebound...I'd have to check his criteria list!! One major criterion for a serious relationship is that the woman is a Christian, and he's mentioned a few casual relationships as pleasant, good company, but no potential because they're not Christian. I think that the real danger is that I am--and a few other positive things as well. Does that make sense?

Ah, xH has found time in his schedule to have D13 overnight tonite--picking her up at 9 pm due to his work schedule. And that's it for the week. She's sad, but I get the sense that she has lowered her expectations significantly.