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Nell I'm very sorry to hear your still in that emotional valley.

I find myself sitting here thinking of what it is I can say or do for you that hasn't been said or done already. I have my kids to keep me busy. I can only imagine that which you face everyday when you return home. There must be something single adults do out there ... something to find a friend. What about those you work with? I've found a few friends at school that will listen and give input. No our friendship isn't one to write a book about. However, they are listening and being supportive of me. To be honest that is all I needed to start feeling better about my stitch. Positive reinforcements. Keep looking and don't give up.

Also what are your thoughts concerning you leaving that home to a more populated area? Perhaps I didn't read back far enough and you've already stated such. Nell I hope you can find some peace within yourself. I found that it wasn't the WAW that controlled my emotions. IT WAS ME!! I was the one making me depressed about life in general. It was I who decided I wasn't going to let the chitty thing she has done affect me any longer. Ya see it really isn't about them. I know you know that NELL. You just have to start living it girl.

It took a lot of work on my part to get to where I'm at. Do I think of her? Yes often. Do I let it ruin my day? NO LONGER. Ya see Nell thats it ... PMA. Over and Over and Over until finally you don't have to think about doing it. You just live it because it becomes part of you.

Also I realized I was dying inside thinking about her and what she has done. I sat in bed wondering if she was doing the same thing. They aren't sitting around thinking of us. They are getting on with whatever it is they think they need to find. When I realized that it was a slap in the face. What the hell was I doing in this emotional cesspool?

Nell we can all give the best advice in the world to ya. In the end it is you that must act them out. Lord knows I didn't listen to those who have been there for me. Ask Sandi2, she warned me over and over. I didn't listen and the WAW was allowed to stick her dagger in me once again. I had to learn the hard way and it was then I realized life is too short to wait around for her. I love her, yes, even though she has hurt me horribly. This is why I will move on. Moving on doesn't mean I will forget about her or that I will never have her in my life. It simply means I will no longer sit in the valley waiting. Live for today Nell, live for yourself. I think you know all of this. I just feel it is worth saying again. PMA

With Love

Shane


Me 44
WAW 37
S 14
D 12

M 18 yrs
T 20 yrs
WAS 7-27-09
WAS #2 6-10-11

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome."
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Finding peace in oneself makes us whole. We can't successfully live with another if we can't live by ourselves. We can't successfully love another if we can't love ourselves. The point isn't whether D is right its that you'll be happy, healthy and strong no matter which path your marriage ultimately follows.

Nell, this quote came from redsoxfan. I really liked it and thought you might like it too and that you might like to keep it for your quote bank.

Cas

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Originally Posted By: Shane5665
Nell I'm very sorry to hear your still in that emotional valley.

I find myself sitting here thinking of what it is I can say or do for you that hasn't been said or done already. I have my kids to keep me busy. I can only imagine that which you face everyday when you return home. There must be something single adults do out there ... something to find a friend. What about those you work with? I've found a few friends at school that will listen and give input. No our friendship isn't one to write a book about. However, they are listening and being supportive of me. To be honest that is all I needed to start feeling better about my stitch. Positive reinforcements. Keep looking and don't give up.

Also what are your thoughts concerning you leaving that home to a more populated area? Perhaps I didn't read back far enough and you've already stated such. Nell I hope you can find some peace within yourself. I found that it wasn't the WAW that controlled my emotions. IT WAS ME!! I was the one making me depressed about life in general. It was I who decided I wasn't going to let the chitty thing she has done affect me any longer. Ya see it really isn't about them. I know you know that NELL. You just have to start living it girl.

It took a lot of work on my part to get to where I'm at. Do I think of her? Yes often. Do I let it ruin my day? NO LONGER. Ya see Nell thats it ... PMA. Over and Over and Over until finally you don't have to think about doing it. You just live it because it becomes part of you.

Also I realized I was dying inside thinking about her and what she has done. I sat in bed wondering if she was doing the same thing. They aren't sitting around thinking of us. They are getting on with whatever it is they think they need to find. When I realized that it was a slap in the face. What the hell was I doing in this emotional cesspool?

Nell we can all give the best advice in the world to ya. In the end it is you that must act them out. Lord knows I didn't listen to those who have been there for me. Ask Sandi2, she warned me over and over. I didn't listen and the WAW was allowed to stick her dagger in me once again. I had to learn the hard way and it was then I realized life is too short to wait around for her. I love her, yes, even though she has hurt me horribly. This is why I will move on. Moving on doesn't mean I will forget about her or that I will never have her in my life. It simply means I will no longer sit in the valley waiting. Live for today Nell, live for yourself. I think you know all of this. I just feel it is worth saying again. PMA

With Love

Shane


Good advice here Nell. Good luck to you. Well said Shane!


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Hi Nell

I can't add anything other than to say I agree with what Shane has said it is all so true and I couldn't have said it any better.

I have been sitting here all day trying to think of what to say to you to give some comfort and then along came Shane.

I love that quote Cas.

((((((((((((((((Nell)))))))))))))


Last edited by girlfromoz; 10/01/09 03:22 AM.


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Shane is very eloquent and has put it so well! Not a lot can be added. Did you look on the library notice board when you went lots of things are often advertised there?


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Hi Shane
You are such a good person, I just know that in my heart. Thank you a million times over for dropping in with your sensible and heartfelt words which have made an impact upon me.

To answer some of your questions: work is a temporary situation for me at the moment. As I have had to hit the ground running, I have not wanted to wear my heart on my sleeve and no-one knows what is going on in my life. If I am to be lucky enough to get my contract extended to a full time position, maybe then will be the opportunity to spill the beans but until then, I have to keep quiet. No-one is going to employ an emotional wreck and, although I made an error at work today (administrative only, fortunately), I was able to clean it up for myself and no harm done. If they had been aware of a) my situation and b) my error, it may have been a different story.

I have thought about leaving here and it's certainly not out of the question. However, until I have given this more time and I know that it is definitely over and the house gets sold, then I am hanging on to the only safety net that I have, whatever the cost - this is my home and I can't leave until I have no other options.

You are so right about who controls your emotions and, you will be proud of me now, but I have just received 3 emails from H and I have controlled myself marvellously! I am practising my PMA and this is the time to start and continue the way forward. I wanted to reply immediately but I have restrained myself. It has taken him almost two weeks to reply so I think that he can wait a few days from me! I do feel that I want to rant a bit over the subject matter but I won't - I shall get that anger out and then sit and write my responses - which will be posted here, first.


You are right I know - it's not about him or us now - it's about me and my cats! I want to start living it Shane, I really do. I just don't know how at the moment but I am trying, honestly I am. Finding PMA is so difficult. Two of the girls in the office are getting M any day now and that's all the talk is ... I was even asked to contribute for the presents today, which I felt a bit miffed about seeing that I don't know the girls and have only been there two weeks. Jealousy was another factor but I swallowed that as I got my wallet out!

I can relate to your feeling of dying inside - and this is where I kind of feel upset for H when he told me that he felt as though he was dying in our M - but he had control over that and he did precious little about it. I have no control over this, even though I am trying to gain control by changing the way I feel.

Today I have been quite good - I have been so busy and stressed over other things that I had little time to think about H, other than when I was driving to my appointments. Now that I am home, it's all flooding back again but I am trying not to be 'in the valley' ... difficult though when I had a GAL activity of meeting my friend around at her daughters this evening, got there and they were out! Geez, was it something that I said??!!

I hear what you are saying about acting out on people's great advice but I also know that you appreciate how hard that is when you have no PMA, feel flat and can only see dark clouds where there should be sunny skies. Throw some of the other problems in to the mix and it's no wonder that I can't get off my starting blocks.

I do promise Shane, I will try to work my way out of this valley and be happier. I don't want to feel this way and I can see that it's physically not good for me - my skin is awful and I look like a wreck now that we are almost at the end of the week. I'm not sleeping properly and I feel ready to pack it all in.

This weekend, I shall go to the library and then take a drive up the new road near us. I want to check it out! Some more gardening to do should help with my PMA and I am going to go through some boxes that are here and have never been unpacked. It will help, if we go or if we stay in this home. It may also feel like a bit of life laundry, so it's all for the good, whichever way I view it!

Thanks again for dropping in and I hope that you will be back soon. I shall visit you at your post later ...

(((Shane)))


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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So, here's the thing. I have just spent ages answering H's emails and after all the diatribe, decided that to be business like and to the point (which he prefers instead of a long winded email) I have dot pointed the following response:

The water problem got resolved - cost me an arm and a leg for a Bank Holiday weekend call out

The position was exceptionally frustrating - I over-reacted when water was gushing everywhere

I frequently forget that you are no longer available to help me

I was not ranting - I purely said the truth of what was on my mind, which appeared to have upset you

The F word was not called for and I did not deserve it

I fail to see why you are so annoyed with me all the time - please explain to help me understand

I shall also be away for the tribunal hearing - please can you re-schedule


I have not answered his question of how is work or how am I doing. No mention of the cats. His first email was four words long - Water Bill paid today. Second email a bit more chatty but accusative of me ranting at him and third email basically telling me that he would 'gen me up' on what to expect at the tribunal.

So, is my response too blunt and business like and not affirming/validating enough (!!) and, should I do a 180 and go to the tribunal alone, allowing H to 'gen me up' first or do I just cancel and get him to make the alternate appointment? There's a lot riding on the outcome of the tribunal - it's fairly huge and another big cop-out from H. Granted that he has gone on his own to the preliminary hearings (I was unable to due to work) but this should be the final and I am afraid that it's too valuable to screw up. They will make minced meat of a 'mere' female on her own.

Also, what do people think on the timing of the response ... should I just wait a day or two or wait until early next week? Oh - and I am not going away at all, just making that bit which gives the 'mysterious Nell' a trip out of the valley!

ALTERNATIVELY - I could cancel the tribunal myself and stay dark, with no answer to any of the emails. Think that would just P him off however. Answers please!


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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Big John, Cas, Oz and Rabbit - thanks for comments today. All very useful and supportive - as always.

This evening I shall go to bed a bit happier, knowing that the ball is back in my court and ready for play ... it seems that H is back afterall. Of course, it could be deliberate timing of the emails to throw me off the scent - who knows and right now, do I care? NO, I don't .... oh, darn it! Almost had you fooled then! Yes, sadly I do - weeeeeelll, I have to be truthful now, don't I?


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
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^^ Just read H's emails again and he asks "You going OK"?

What am I supposed to answer to that? I want to say, "WTF do you think? - NO I'M NOT OK - look at how you have left me - totally isolated and with a broken heart - and BTW, the cats are fine, since you didn't bother to ask."

Each time, I am so glad to hear from him but I just want to scream out my responses and sarcasm at him. I so hope that the C can do as she has promised this week - to help me channel that anger and to make my responses work for me.

I am totally going to ignore it as I can't justify it with a diplomatic enough response. My brain feels locked to answering all of these questions in a DB way ... I can think of the answers for everyone else's situation but not my own. What's the deal there?

Just conscious that me venting here will move my previous post ^^ requiring answers further up the board, so will bump and hope for some responses pretty quickly - PLEASE!!!


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
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Nell,

Sweetie........deep breath.......in......out slowly.....


Ok now.

I'm not entirely in the loop here about this tribunal. Can you explain to me what that is about. I've scrolled back some but can't seem to locate it. I'm pretty new to your sitch so a quick catch up might help me help you.

First....don't send anything to H yet. Do his emails warrant a response? Is he asking you questions that need answers or are you just answering to have communication with him?


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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