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#1863166 - 10/27/09 08:14 PM Re: Free [Re: NoLongerHere]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Don't stop posting
hold on to the feeling
streetlight people

wink
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

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#1863190 - 10/27/09 08:46 PM Re: Free [Re: robx]
Greek Offline
Member

Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 1451
Originally Posted By: robx
Bill, detaching is the way to go.



Bill, you are NOT detaching yourself. By dating, you are DISTRACTING yourself.

You are still married. Married men should not date.
Greek
_________________________
Me45 H46
T25 M22
S21 & 19
D13
Separated and filed 8/08
Moved home 11/08



Happily ever after is one day at a time.

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#1863245 - 10/27/09 10:38 PM Re: Free [Re: Greek]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
Bill, I think I understand and agree with most of the people posting on here. I think all of us are happy you are not letting your W cake-eat and some of the other stuff, the massages!, and stuff. I think that is a huge positive step that you can envision the future without your W in it, and know that you'll be ok.

I don't think you can get over loving someone in one day. Yes, you can distract yourself, but I think it is a temporary band-aid, and eventually you have to go through the process. I do worry you are in a rebound situation, and it is prob. not healthy for your or your friend. You probably should be thinking more along just friendship with her rather than dating, otherwise I worry you and/or your friend might get hurt. I think neither of you need something like that right now.

I also agree that you shouldn't give your W the option anymore. I think she was testing you. If she is sincere, you will know it. How many times have you gone back and forth and she is probably waiting for that again.
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

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#1863779 - 10/28/09 07:43 PM Re: Free [Re: karen43]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Guys, I hear you. And I'm not just saying that.
I am not a "throw caution to the wind" kind of guy. Hell, I'm engineer. smile

Talked to counciler - her opinion was, your W has filed, you've done everything you can, it's OK, just take it really slow and avoid sex for a good while. Which is where I was with it anyway.

C also said - "I have a hunch - you should be prepared for what you're going to do when your wife comes back and wants to reconsile."

I am very worried about her. I really think she is doing worse now, than I was when I was at my lowest. I just talked to her on the phone. She is crying, she doesn't want to leave the house, she said she's burning out her support system. She is in bad shape. And then she said - she admired me for how well I had gone through all this myself - being able to be genuinely happy at moments. I tried to get her to promise me to go for a walk, to do something for herself to feel better, get on the treadmill, whatever. Sheesh. And she said - it's not my job to take care of her anymore. She should be talking to me. And I told her, she can, if it's OK for her.

Yeah.

She says she just wanted to get through this and stop hurting, but she has not hope for the future - that everything is going to suck for awhile. She is really fighting depression.

I asked my C - how do I not feel responsible for her? And her response (it was the end of the session) was just that I'm not.

Dammit!! I do not want to see her go through this. And yeah, I feel like I need to rescue her. Cause, that's our relationship. I married someone that needed me, and only me, so much that, either I just couldn't meet those needs, or I ended up keeping her at arm's length.

This is all her choice. I don't know how to help her through this and still do what I need to do for me to move through this situation.

I guess I can't save her from it.

I moved through this stage. She will too.

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#1863793 - 10/28/09 08:02 PM Re: Free [Re: NoLongerHere]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Bill, its time for tough love. Let it run its course.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1866888 - 11/03/09 02:56 PM Re: Need input [Re: robx]
The Wifey Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 2306
Loc: Upstate NY
Originally Posted By: robx


During the time that she is still living at home, you will start going out most evenings, you will dress up, get the hair done, put on the cologne, the whole bit and you will make it look like you're going out on dates. If you can go out on real dates, great even better - you need the boost to your confidence, but if you can't, just fake it and stay out late and when you come home if she is still up, you make sure you have a big smile on your face and you go to your room and close the door behind you, lock it if you can.


Man, Rob, you were on a roll to this point. Boxes, the words you chose, all great, I was nearly doing the wave for you! But then you lost me here:

Quote:
You start texting someone, even yourself if you have to, start spending time on your computer, emailing someone, if you have to, setup a fake gmail account, setup a fake user profile on facebook and start a few messages back & forth, when setting up the fake user profile on fb or myspace, find a pic of girl that is just as attractive as your wife, go on a dating website, you'll find plenty of pics on there, just make sure it's someone your wife doesn't know, pick someone from out of state.


Fake gmail, fake text, fake emails, fake girls on a dating web site? FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, all Fake. Bill is a good and decent man. HE doesn't need to play games to have all of these be real, real, real - but only if he is ready for those things. What's the point in being that phony if he is already showing her the door?

Is it to hurt his W? To make her freak out? To make her say to herself oh my, I really want my H after all?

Quote:
Getting a life, 180's, self-respect, standing up for yourself, setting boundaries, no more wussy doormat behaviors, you will now become the walk away spouse - you are no longer the left behind spouse - the dynamic will change, watch as the days & weeks go by - you have changed the direction of this relationship and even if nothing changes with your wife, you have now taken control of your life and can move on. I suggest dating for real regardless of the opinions against it.


Again, right on, all of this is good.

Quote:
Crisis is what changes people, it's what forces people to act, without that impetus, people usually don't change, they have no real reason to have to change without a crisis.
Big questions here - Crisis is what changes people? Is this a crisis to change his W or Bill?

Quote:
Do it.

No excuses and no explanations why you can't do this or that.

Just do it.

Excuses don't explain and explanations don't excuse.

You've taken back your life, enjoy it, feels pretty good to be your own boss again without worrying about what someone else might do or how they treat you.


Right on. You figure out what you want, you set your chin and get through the worst of it, and you go after it.

I have to read to get caught up, but I had to address the FAKE parts. Bill deserves better than just having to fake it.
_________________________
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.


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#1866892 - 11/03/09 03:01 PM Re: Need input [Re: robx]
The Wifey Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 2306
Loc: Upstate NY
Originally Posted By: robx
Originally Posted By: Eskimo Nell

Reactive behaviour does not work. It helps the spouse to win. I packed my H's stuff and literally threw it out the door when he moved in to his temporary rental with a work colleague. I really acted out as the bitch from hell that he wanted me to be - it gave him the excuse he needed for leaving - it made it all so much easier for him and he told me afterwards that it was my REACTIVE behaviour which empowered him and made him feel far less guilty than he did when I was sitting, crying or being totally silent. Please don't power your Ws behaviour in this way.


That's why he needs to be pro-active,
he can't just confront her and say "hey I know you're cheating, what's up with that", he needs to follow through with that with an action that shows he's moving forward with his life without her, he becomes the WAS, the dynamic shifts, he no longer feels or exhibits feeling the fear of loss, this is shifted on to her, she is losing him now because he is making the decision to move on without her. That's the switch, he's not just being reactive, he is being proactive, he is making a decision and acting on it, he is taking control of his life and of this relationship where for so long, he hasn't had any control.

Crisis, fear of loss, moving on, this is what generates action on the part of the LBS. Since you know this, use this fact, turn things around, let go of the LBS role, become the WAS, take back the power in your relationship - you're no longer pursuing, you're leaving. You're no longer pulling them in, you're pushing them away and the opposite will happen - they will pursue, they will react, they will be thrown off balance because all along the decision making & power in this relationship was owned by the WAS not the LBS.

AHA moment, so this was it all along. If he is really done, then why throw down the crisis gauntlet in the first place?

He needed to do what you advised for HIM, not to elicit a crisis for his W. That train already left the station.
_________________________
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.


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#1866903 - 11/03/09 03:20 PM Re: Need input [Re: Kettricken]
The Wifey Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 2306
Loc: Upstate NY
Right on Kettricken!

Originally Posted By: Kettricken
No, you aren't getting it, Steve.

I don't have a problem with him dating; that would be pretty ridiculous considering her choice to build an outside romantic relationship and bail on her marriage. All bets are off, there, IMHO.

No, the red flag is the vibe of readiness to dive straight into the deep end of the pool with a new person. Bill *just* came to accept that despite his desires, the divorce is probably going to happen. The last thing in the world anyone in that position needs is to emotionally latch onto a new person and treat them like a human anodyne. That giddiness is awesome, but it's just a temporary patch. It's a lameass shortcut past doing work on yourself -- even if that work is just the work of self-care and healing and learning how to live well with *yourself* for awhile -- AND it's using someone else toward that end. If his wife just DIED last week, would you advise him to start seriously or exclusively dating someone new???

And if you think it's just awesome to rub a new relationship in someone's face merely to produce pain and payback -- no matter *what* they did to you -- then all I can say is, we're operating under pretty different standards. I'm sure Bill will decide what standards he wishes to operate by.

ETA: Sigh. It's not the dating, Gucci. It's the "We spent all day together 'till 2 in the morning then again the next day, and there's all this spark and potential, wow, wow, wow....." That doesn't sound like simple casual "social interaction", to me. You don't think that's a "Danger, Will Robinson" scenario?
_________________________
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.


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#1866908 - 11/03/09 03:23 PM Re: Need input [Re: NoLongerHere]
The Wifey Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 2306
Loc: Upstate NY
Originally Posted By: BillM

That said, the hardest part is watching my W go through this now.

It is time for me to move out.


Granted, I am still not completely caught up reading, but 2 cents here.

1. You can not save her from the emotions that she must face. They are called consequences for her actions and choices.

2. You should not move out - she should.
_________________________
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.


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#1866911 - 11/03/09 03:27 PM Re: Free [Re: NoLongerHere]
The Wifey Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 2306
Loc: Upstate NY
Originally Posted By: BillM


I finally had to tell her, STOP IT. THis is the moment. Tell me to stay, right now, or else I'm moving on. It's one or the other.

And she said, I can't.

Well, perhaps as hard as this was, it will make it a tad bit easier to "watch her go through this."
_________________________
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.


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