A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.
Page 20 of 37 < 1 2 ... 18 19 20 21 22 ... 36 37 >
Topic Options
#1847393 - 09/30/09 01:53 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
Lotus Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/09
Posts: 1531
Congratulations on taking a big step. In my opinion, your situation isn't that bad. I've seen MUCH worse marriages turned around in two days at Retrouvaille. But shhh!, don't tell your wife!

Top
#1847649 - 09/30/09 12:14 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: Lotus]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Thanks Lotus - I'm hopeful.

W has brought down the walls. Barely talking all of a sudden. Went from pulling back the sheets for me on Monday morning to completely businesslike now.

I didn't realize how much I was depedent on seeing through her cracks. Feeling a lot of anxiety now.

Well, I've got to deal with it. Just feeling more and more alone. On the other hand, I guess she was enabling me to cling on.

It was really cold this morning, she was bundled up on the couch. Yeah, I sat down close by and said, man it's cold... are you warm?

She just said, I guess. Up until recently we would have still gotten close.

Gaaaaaaaa...

But, this is a good lesson for me to detach more.
Still not sleeping. Ok gotta go.

Top
#1847710 - 09/30/09 01:34 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: BillM
T

W has brought down the walls. Barely talking all of a sudden. Went from pulling back the sheets for me on Monday morning to completely businesslike now.

Yes, a good lesson. You need to work on detaching and being more independent. Even if you weren't going through this, you shouldn't be so affected by your W's moods, good or bad. Something you need to work on.

Your C suggested working on intimacy the first session, then moving out the 2nd. I think a wise C would probably not give too much advice about stuff the first few sessions, until they get to know more details of the sitch. If she had said you should move out after a couple months in counseling, I would listen to that more. I would think the only rush to get out of the house for a married person is if there is abuse, or addiction. And living with a person having an A is difficult too. But anyway, just take her recommendations with a grain of salt for now I think.

You seem to look at your W's actions/attitude and decide each day "there's hope" or "there's not much hope". I think you just can't tell right now. I just saw my D attorney, and I will tell you, your W is in fantasyland right now. The reality of divorce is horrible. I am going to miss seeing my kids most likely half the year, and that's with an X that was a very uninvolved parent, money problems, etc. I think D is way tougher than your W realizes at this point, and you have time.
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

Top
#1847724 - 09/30/09 01:53 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: karen43]
C-Bart Offline
Member

Registered: 07/30/09
Posts: 882
Loc: Missouri
IMHO an IC should be focus just on you and your issues. A failing M is not an issue it is a symptom of a greater issue. I made this mistake of thinking my IC would fix my marriage and was corrected by her rather quickly. She would give me some insight as to what my W may be going through but would always qualify that by saying it was speculation.

You are your life manager and the IC is just a consultant hired to help with individual issues. One issue you need to look at is why your moods are dependent on your W's. You've got a good idea why - Mr. Nice Guy.

Be selfish. Focus on yourself.
_________________________
_________________________
Me-41
W-39
M-15 yrs T-17 yrs
D-12
S-9
S-8
B 5/08
S 1/09

Top
#1847725 - 09/30/09 01:55 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: karen43]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Yeah Karen, your're right. I'm way too affected by W. I know it. I know in my head I've got to change this.

Anyway, I'm not preparing to move out. I do think that she had a good point in giving her room to miss me. Anyway, I'm going out the next 2 nights, W asked to go out Friday. THis weekend we've got plans to do something as a family.

I've still got this open "going out together" thing for the weekend - torn about calling it off vs. following through.

We're gearing up for the legal stuff too. I think that's also affecting me - this is about to get much more real.

THanks Karen - You're really helping. smile

Top
#1847726 - 09/30/09 01:56 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
OK C-Bart you made me chuckle. Yes.

Top
#1847729 - 09/30/09 02:00 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
JonF Offline
Member

Registered: 04/01/09
Posts: 896
I'd be hard pressed as to why you would ever move out anyway? You're not the one who needs space?

My W demanded I move out, and I said, "No". She moved out then, and it has put me in a great spot legally.

I hope you and your W work things out, but moving out is a BAD idea.
_________________________
Me-35 W-32 M-4yrs
A - 6/26/2013
D filed 8/19/2013, dismissed 12/13/2013
D refiled 2/24/2014, dismissed
Second A 5/2014, I filed, finally done

Top
#1847746 - 09/30/09 02:20 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: JonF]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
C thought this would be a good way for my W to experience the reality of divorce. Said I'm too available to W. Yes, you guys have all already told me this. smile Essentially said she's cake-eating - best of both worlds.

Top
#1848131 - 10/01/09 01:03 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Just kind of journaling.

Well, went to the DivorceCare meeting tonight. W took boys to cub scouts. She's definitely detaching more. I tend to believe she's making herself do it, based on some of the things she's said before.

When I came home, she mentioned I was in an upbeat mood. So that's good. Talked about the kids a little bit.

I've got band practice tomorrow night. Another night out.

Top
#1848184 - 10/01/09 08:28 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
That's good that you're GALing. I think that's also a way to help you detach and not be so available to your W and less drastic than moving out. Don't forget to GAL with your kids too. You could take them someplace fun and not invite your wife. If she wants separate lives...then she should be fine with that.
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

Top
Page 20 of 37 < 1 2 ... 18 19 20 21 22 ... 36 37 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004