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#1840563 - 09/19/09 08:22 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Quote:
Anyway, put on a really good mood tonight for dinner. Had her laughing, the boys commented on it too. Don't know if it was being to accessable, but it was genuine, and it's been awhile that I've been in a good mood.


This is good. Very good. Make her laugh. Keep the mood light and happy. It sends a message to her that you are not a threat and that she can have fun around you without you having any expectations (so long as you don't pursue).

See, you want to show her, by being positive without pursuing, that it's ok for her to come out of her bunker. That it's ok for her just to be relaxed and have fun around you b/c you are doing it without having any expectations. The more this occurs, the more she may come back. Just really keep yourself from pursuing - I know the urge is overpowering sometimes.

Quote:
We took the boys to our Cub Scout pack meeting tonight. W did keep touching me to get my attention and make comments. Afterwards, regarding my interaction with the other parents, W said I have a confidence that is "very attractive."


See. Felt good to hear that, didn't it.

But, don't do this,

Quote:
I did sit down next to her too often at home tonight. Put my hand on her leg at one point.


or you just might frighten that scared little animal back into her hole.

You create the right environment. And let her come to you on her timetable. Maybe she comes back, maybe not. You're cool no matter what.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1840617 - 09/19/09 11:34 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: givingitmyall]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
It is overpowering. Really struggling with this. I see myself knocking on her door and crawling into bed with her this morning.

Thanks GIMA.

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#1840623 - 09/19/09 11:46 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Get busy with something.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1840625 - 09/19/09 11:54 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: givingitmyall]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Yep. Made breakfast for the kids. Took W some eggs too, but I didn't say anything or linger at all. Moving on with the day. Thx GIMA.

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#1840630 - 09/19/09 12:05 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Very funny - she came in her to talk to me. Said she's going to buy a bed today (she's been sleeping on an air mattress since late July). Asked me if i wanted to go with her for something to do.

Jeez, as much as I want to be with her, that was an easy "no"

OK really getting on with my day now

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#1840724 - 09/19/09 06:15 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: BillM
Asked me if i wanted to go with her for something to do.

Jeez, as much as I want to be with her, that was an easy "no"

Good job! Yep, I don't think you should help her do anything that is hurting your marriage, buying a separate bed, looking for apt., moving out of your house to make it easier for her, or anything like that. I think the more consequences (b/c of her poor choices) the better.

I agree with all of gima's points. Good on the positive PMA. Keep working on that, GALing, working on self-confidence & detaching. I was where you were a year ago, and now I feel like if my X is too stupid to see how great I am, I don't want him anyway. I don't think he's good enough for me anymore, and I used to feel the opposite.

Yeah, you know how I feel about the touching and rubbing. When she's ready to work on the marriage, then you can do that to your heart's content. Now, not a good idea, since it's pursuing.
_________________________
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D13, S19

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#1840805 - 09/19/09 10:00 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: karen43]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Yeah, forcing myself to not pursue. I'm largely doing it I think, it's just hard. I'm frustrated with this process of picking myself up.

We took the kids to a movie today (W's idea) and some other family time. We all had a really good time - keeping up the PMA in front of her and the boys.

She actually spent a long time rubbing my shoulders today - offered when she saw me trying to do it myself. It wasn't half-hearted either. For what it's worth.

She commented on buying that bed a couple of times. They're delivering it tomorrow. She seems to be mildly bothered by having done this - I can't really tell, I didn't pursue the conversation.

Here's the funny thing - I was on the phone for a long time this morning, talking to a friend - just trying to beat the blues I was feeling - when W came home, asked if I'd been on the phone all this time. I'm generally not a phone talker... She'd been trying to call all that time to ask my opinion about this bed. Said she didn't feel right making such a large purchace by herself.

She brought up Retrouvaille again - she has mixed feelings. Said she'll go, but not to the follow-ups. Said, she didn't want to say too much because everything's going "so well" between us right now - meaning, I guess minimial conflict - but, she's saying that she doesn't think the result will be what I want, as she's not invested in working on the M.

So, overall good day, but tonight she was a little agitated. After this last conversation.

So, mixed bag. Pushing forward.

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#1840938 - 09/20/09 10:39 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
Buttercup37 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/09
Posts: 126
You are doing GREAT and are a real inspiration to me!
smile

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#1840971 - 09/20/09 01:28 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: BillM

She brought up Retrouvaille again - she has mixed feelings. Said she'll go, but not to the follow-ups. Said, she didn't want to say too much because everything's going "so well" between us right now - meaning, I guess minimial conflict - but, she's saying that she doesn't think the result will be what I want, as she's not invested in working on the M.

I wouldn't even discuss it with her. I mean you don't know how it will go until after you go. If she's going in with an open mind or even a slightly open mind, I wouldn't worry about the followups or her agreeing to them at this point. You can decide that stuff later. All that stuff in the future, by then she may want to work on the marriage more than you. Who knows? I think you also need to be realistic about it, keep your expectations low, keep GALing. Detachment will follow.
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

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#1841047 - 09/20/09 06:12 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: karen43]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Buttercup - thank you. I wish I felt it more...

Karen - yeah, I just said "OK". As long as she's willing to go, that's good enough. I don't need to debate it with her.

Felt good this morning to work outside. Kids cut the grass, I washed the cars (wife's too), etc. Yeah, keeping busy is the key.

Seems like I have a couple hours every day that's just a struggle. I'm starting to wonder if moving out sooner rather than later would allow me to cope and detach more. I know, everyone says don't move out. I'm just thinking that (1) if I don't see her every day, it's going to be less painful, and (2) may let reality set in for her more.

Her bed was delivered today. Kind of put me in a bad mood I guess.

Thinking a lot about what's on the other side of all this. The scope of my life, bigger questions than just my marriage - work, relationships, God, etc.

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