Ok, then, I agree - if she wants comfort from you while she walks out the door - that is unfair to you - stand up to her. Withdraw the comfort. If she thinks she wants out, she has to see how that feels and that means not still being dependant on you to comfort her while she decides to leave. It's tough. It's a bit of emotional manipulation she's pulling on you.
Would you feel comfortable saying "Yeah, this is sad" and walking away when she wants to cozy up to you?
PS Counselling is good. No matter why she tells herself she's going in there, it's good to get in there. You have no idea what can happen in there.
I commend you on your recent interactions with your wife. You appear less needy and you are acting (at least I think you are) in a way that your wife will eventually respect. You are taking a stand for your marriage . . and good for you.
I don't know if all this will bring her around, but I am certain that, at the end of this, you will be at a much better place than if you just caved and played nice while she guts you.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
You have to live with it. Just be very aware of what's going on.
Yeah. Well, W isn't planning a lot of trips going forward. She actually showed me pictures of her holding her friend's newborn, and said "See? THis is where I was." From what I can tell, the amount of contact isn't particularly strong, but yeah have to be aware.
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I got the exact, same line from my W. And she's still here. YOU don't have to make ANY decisions. This is HER party. She will have to make that call. And LET her. The pressure on her is a good thing.
Did you get her into counciling while she had this attitude? If so was it productive?
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PS Counselling is good. No matter why she tells herself she's going in there, it's good to get in there. You have no idea what can happen in there.
Yeah I think that's a good perspective. I made this appointment next Monday for me - but will talk to her about bringing W to sessions.
As for the tough love, walking away, being less needy - thanks for the comments guys. It's really tough. I think if you asked her perspective, I'm pulling it off. But - she initiated a hug when I really wanted one (luck?). I found myself this morning going down the stairs to seek her out, and had to turn myself around. I want to sit next to her, but make myself sit arcoss the room. I didn't have to sit next to her this morning, but I did - just for a second - when she put her head on my shoulder.
It's a close thing, but I am getting better at it.
I must say that I feel a lot better the last couple of days than I did on Sunday.
It gets easier. Just keep up what you are doing. Lovingly detach.
On the counseling issue, back when all hit the fan, W refused C to save the M. Hasn't been discussed again and won't until she's ready to talk R. But, I see C as an essential step towards a happy M.
I guess I've become a minutiae poster. Can't stay away from the message board.
Well, good news, bad news, like most days. Got home - W called the other consultative attorney, didn't like her, but said she's feeling OK with going with the L I hired for mediation. She's meeting with her L tomorrow, and sounds like she's going to have him sub out after all. Course, not over till it's over.
On the other hand, she's coming up with her idea of how we would do a settlement - how to split things up, support, etc. and wants me to do the same things to compare. She wants to start this process.
I was hoping to see more positive signs, but can't get greedy I guess. It's funny how my mind wants to make definitive conclusions based on momentary evidence. Oh, It's going to be OK!! Oh, we're doomed!!
Well, she's gone to the movies. Tuesday night.
Pretty sure I'm going to go to this DivorceCare thing tomorrow.
Oh and the other pieces of minutiae - saw W's bio she was filling out for (another) school reunion - the one she actually graduated from. Left all the info about spouse blank. Talked about the boys and her work.
Don't know why that would bother me at this point. I guess it doesn't so much, just another data point that stings. Getting used to it.
Just keep with the plan. You can't stop her from making a mistake. Nothing wrong with going the consultative route, just make sure you protect yourself.
I suppose you have heard the phrase here about "I won't resist, but won't assist" when it comes to a WAS's decision to D.
Don't know why that would bother me at this point.
B/c you still care. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Detaching doesn't mean you stop caring. It means you accept the worst case scenario and realize you will be ok. It means letting her go even though you know she's making a mistake. Maybe she comes back, maybe not. But, you are going to be fine either way.
I suppose you have heard the phrase here about "I won't resist, but won't assist" when it comes to a WAS's decision to D.
I hadn't heard that before! That's a good one!
My gut feeling is that she's still working towards D and that she is hoping to keep the house somehow. But good at least that was a little chink in her fantasy bubble and a little reality check for her.
I think when she gets enough reality checks at some point she will want to R with you and work on the M. You just have to try not to shield her, comfort her, and let her experiences consequences/reality. My concern would be that the longer it takes, the less likely you may be interested in R with her!
My concern would be that the longer it takes, the less likely you may be interested in R with her!
And I think that is a very real and valid concern. I am living that now.
What I have come to realize, at least for the time being, is that my negative feelings or lack of attraction to my W right now is likely due to my needs not being met (the empty love tank/bank thing). So, while I am not feeling my feelings for her right now, they are still there, just sort of hibernating. It will take my W making deposits in my love tank/bank to awaken those feelings. But, I think the feelings are still there.
AND, this is an example of precisely why we don't trust our feelings. They will cloud our judgment and lead us to make bad decisions.
