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#1837087 - 09/14/09 12:30 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Hmm - W commented about how great I was playing basketball with our son today. He had trouble last school year with confidence joining into playground games, and even now I've got to make him go play with me, even though he enjoys it once he's out there. But's he's gotten a lot better, I mean really, he's trying now. W was watching me with him today, and made a point to comment about it.

He's also asking to go back (him and his brother) to Cub Scouts. I've been the leader for the past two years, and we quit because, honestly, we were largely the whole den. Not sure what to do - I can't be the leader this year, but I talked to the cubmaster and sounds like they've got some more kids.

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#1837429 - 09/14/09 02:11 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
LookingFrAnswers Offline
Member

Registered: 07/27/09
Posts: 342
Loc: OH
Hi Bill,
Just checking in to see how you are. I caught up on your thread & am so sorry to hear about your findings. You sound great these past few days though! I tend to be more of a homebody too, GALing is not natural for me & I can relate to your feelings of wanting to be home. Since H left though I have not wanted to spend a lot of time there, good news/bad news.

I hear you about IC, there are some bad ones out there. I had to take a break from C for a while but have now found a new one I like so far. So it maybe worth looking for a new one. You sound on the right track, please continue to take care of yourself - you are doing a great job of dealing w a very difficult situation!
LFA

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#1837527 - 09/14/09 03:50 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: LookingFrAnswers]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Hey LFA - thank you, it's good to hear from you.

Well, I just spend some time researching therapists, from the list the insurance company gave me, and left a message. Hopefully this is a positive step.

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#1837794 - 09/15/09 12:28 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Really exhausted right now, but checking in... hopefully this will be coherent.

So I got home today, and W asked for a hug, saying she was sad. We talked a little bit, then she told me how guilty she felt and broke down into tears. How it seemed that she's so selfish for tearing our family apart. She said, I shouldn't be telling you this, but I'm afraid that I can't survive without you. (not sure if she meant emotionally or financially)

And I said in response: very little.

She said later on that it would be great if we could just continue like this, seperated in the house, because at this point she has no negative feelings about me - no resentments, etc. Meaning I guess, now that she's given up on me, she doesn't have any expectations to feel bad about.

Well, as dinner was finishing up, we got a phone call. Now, I NEVER get calls at home, and when the phone rings I let the machine get it. Anyway, I've been talking to a friend from high school lately who has been through divorce, and she was calling - so I picked it up, went into the other room, and talked to her for awhile. Afterwards, W called it "mysterious..." and I just shrugged it off. Anyway, as we were cleaning up, we joked around a little bit.

Then later, W commented on how happy and "chipper" I seemed lately. I just thought, I really must be DBing my a$$ off lately, because you have NO IDEA how horrible I've been feeling. Seriously - you guys know how I've been doing - well, W thinks I'm doing great. What do you know.

I just said, I'm doing my best, and she said she wished she could be doing "her best" as well.

So, she watched TV while I worked, and we both packed it up at the same time. As tired as I am, I really wanted to reach out to her - hug, sit on the couch, whatever - but I didn't.

Don't know what all this adds up to, but these are as good of signs has I've had lately.

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#1837808 - 09/15/09 01:24 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Wow, sounds like she's having second thoughts? Asking to stay in the house - she doesn't want to move out. These are great signs. Believe me, my H wanted out and he's out of the house. If she hasn't moved then she isn't sure she wants out. Good job with the PMA.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1837862 - 09/15/09 06:43 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: Butterfly1]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
I hate to be a downer, but she wants a D. She figures out that she can't afford the house after D, so then a day later she comes to you and says you could both live in the house together. It sounds like she still wants to be separated though. I'm afraid she might want cake-eating: emotional and financial support from you and dating as well.

If that is the case, would you be alright with her dating or OM while you're living in the same house? If that is what she intends, I'm thinking that won't work out. Have you talked about the specifics of this? If she isn't interested in an OM, would she agree to MC? At some point, she would have to agree to give up contact with OM though...
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

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#1837898 - 09/15/09 08:39 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Bill,

I think karen has hit it on the head. Your W has the best of both worlds right now. If OM is in the picture still, then you are going to have a very difficult time regaining your W's respect.

The right road is not usually the easiest.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1838107 - 09/15/09 01:44 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
The Wifey Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 2306
Loc: Upstate NY
Originally Posted By: BillM


BTW, have any of you tried divorce support groups? I found this website recently: http://www.divorcecare.com/


I attended a divorce care group for several months and found it helpful. The people there, like those on the boards, become supportive friends.
_________________________
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.


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#1838196 - 09/15/09 03:32 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: The Wifey]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Hey guys -

I made it clear and she agreed that there will be no dating. W has broken off seeing him (and says it was just a "couple of dates", going to the museum kind of a thing), if not FB contact. Make of this what you will.

She has agreed to counciling for "closure", not for the goal of working on the M. I'm not sure where to come down on that right now. I've got an appt now for next Monday for a new counciler - right now for me - but perhaps we can expand this into something bigger with W.

So my lawyer gave me a name for another consultative lawyer that my W could use. W has shown some annoyance at this, but this morning said that she knows I'm right about it, she's just overwhelmed. We'll see what happens there.

Before I left this morning, I sat down next to her briefly and said "have a good day." She put her head on my shoulder for a moment, said "I miss you." And I said..... "See you tonight" and got up and left.

Thank you guys for the responses. I think I may try out this DivorceCare business. Hope, I don't know if this is second thoughts or not, she's acted like this before when she's "sad". I just don't know. These guys have given me a lot of coaching to not comfort her, make it OK for her, let her feel the concequences of her actions. Karen, GIMA - yeah, I'm being careful with my expectations here. Monitoring.

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#1838208 - 09/15/09 03:42 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Quote:
I made it clear and she agreed that there will be no dating. W has broken off seeing him (and says it was just a "couple of dates", going to the museum kind of a thing), if not FB contact. Make of this what you will.


You have to live with it. Just be very aware of what's going on.

Quote:
She has agreed to counciling for "closure", not for the goal of working on the M. I'm not sure where to come down on that right now.


I got the exact, same line from my W. And she's still here. YOU don't have to make ANY decisions. This is HER party. She will have to make that call. And LET her. The pressure on her is a good thing.

Quote:
Before I left this morning, I sat down next to her briefly and said "have a good day." She put her head on my shoulder for a moment, said "I miss you." And I said..... "See you tonight" and got up and left.


Good man. This was good.

Right now, it's time for tough love on your part. Just imagine you have a spoiled teenager who wants something you know is not in her best interest. You can either give in, and spoil her. Or, show some tough love, and let her find the right path.

You can do this Bill. Nobody said it was going to be easy.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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