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#1833804 - 09/08/09 04:06 AM BillM's new thread
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Hi all -

Starting a new thread. For those who were following my last thread and giving advice, thank you.

Tonight went well. I stood my ground. Responded as little as possible. She eventually agreed.

She balked at a lot of it, went back and forth, tried to "problem solve" with me, and I stuck to the conditions. Topped it off by giving her a rental application for a nearby apartment.

She said, if it means that much to me, then she'll do it. Admitted to only a few dates. She's not giving up that much. Aked me why it mattered, and I told her she's still my wife for now, and I will not share her.

And the kicker was, she didn't want to lose my respect and friendship.

When she repeated this later, in a general context, I told her, I don't know what to tell you about that.

She wanted to chat more after that. We watched a little TV together, not too long, then I told her goodnight.

Goodnight all -

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#1833829 - 09/08/09 05:31 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
I subsequently mentioned to W that I felt like I needed to talk to this guy myself. She said that wasn't neccessary, that it was easily done, and that she wouldn't give me the phone number anyway.

Then she apologized.

I've tracked this guy down on Facebook now. So now I'm torn - do I send him a message myself?

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#1833849 - 09/08/09 06:43 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
Sara Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/07
Posts: 6350
Loc: Tampa, FL
That is totally your call. Does OM have a wife? Many of them back off big time if the wife is about to find out. Affairs thrive in secrecy. They are like bats in darkness.

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#1833856 - 09/08/09 07:14 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: Sara]
rukiddinme Offline
New Member

Registered: 08/29/09
Posts: 10
Loc: oklahoma
you're a good man BillM.

do not let her or anyone make you feel any different.

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#1833946 - 09/08/09 12:40 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Bill,

Sounds like you handled the situation well. Calm and all business is the approach, and it sounds like you did that. Now, the hard part, enforcing the boundary you set if she tests you - and I will not be surprised if she does.

Great that you did not cave on her question about losing your respect for her. Gives her something to think about, and shows you will speak your mind truthfully.

On whether to contact OM, like Sara said, that's your call. Just be careful if your W pushes back on proving to you she ended whatever was going on. If OM is M'd, a short note letting him know you know and to stop ALL contact with your W, or you will let his W know.

Keep in mind, your W, not you, is the one who breached your trust. So, she has to earn your trust back. Without full transparency, not sure she's serious.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1833966 - 09/08/09 01:11 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: givingitmyall]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Thank you guys. You all helped me do this right.

This guy doesn't have a W. I thought it would be a good step to take to show W and this guy I'm not a fool and that I'm standing up for what's mine. Is there a downside to this I don't see?

This is the simple message I have in mind:



Hello - I'm going to make this short and as clear as I can.

Stay away from (wife's name). Do not call her. Do not text her. Do not contact her on the internet.

I can't imagine what kind of man you are who would want to be with another man's wife but IT STOPS NOW. Stay away from my wife.

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#1833972 - 09/08/09 01:21 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Bill,

What is it you want to accomplish by sending the message?

Couple of things. First, the OM is not the problem, he's a symptom of the problem.

Second, if you send this message, you will elevate the OM in importance. He isn't worth your time IMO. If you send the message, then send it, and wash your hands of him. DON'T go back to the OM issue other than to enforce the boundary.

The issue is your W.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1833984 - 09/08/09 01:36 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: givingitmyall]
Esox Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/09
Posts: 131
The OM may be a symptom, but if Bill doesn't do something and soon, that symptom is going to be sleeping with his wife.
_________________________
I'm a man . . .
But I can change . . .
If I have to . . .
I guess . . .

The Man's Prayer - Red Green

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#1833987 - 09/08/09 01:41 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: Esox]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Quote:
The OM may be a symptom, but if Bill doesn't do something and soon, that symptom is going to be sleeping with his wife.


No doubt. My point is not that I am necessarily against him sending the message, but once it is sent, I don't see the benefit in him elevating OM's importance.

He lays down the boundary, confronts OM, then enforces the boundary if W crosses/tests.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1833991 - 09/08/09 01:48 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: givingitmyall]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
You could do it, but I just don't think it would do any good. The OP that gets involved with a married person with kids don't put much respect on morals or values or marriage. If he had a W, then maybe that would do something, the fear of getting caught, but you said he isn't.

I did that once, emailing the OW, and it just didn't make me feel any better. Not really any worse, just didn't do much either way.

I think it's up to your W to not contact OM.

And I almost forgot to say, you have been handling this so well!!!! I think it couldn't have worked out better. I'm so glad you didn't just move out and almost give up or whatever.


Edited by karen43 (09/08/09 01:48 PM)
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

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