Just when my PMA is running on all cylinders I get a bunch of calls from xW on my work phone and my cellphone -- she left voicemails each time. I thought it must have been important enough to call her back, so I did -- big mistake.
Members of our cub scout pack are going to a Cub-O-Ree camping event more than an hour's drive away on Saturday -- however, that begins xW's weekend of custody. I had asked her when we first heard of it (Sept. 28) whether she might see her way to allowing me to take S8, but she said she had other plans for the boys but if I wanted to trade Halloween for the given weekend, she would change her plans. I refused to "go there" and dropped it then and there, rejecting the notion of giving up a holiday in exchange for a regular day.
However, S8 has had his own plans. He keeps telling everyone that he's going to the Cub-O-Ree anyway, no matter what. I have been telling him his mother has other plans and that it's not going to happen. But S8 is very persistent.
Well xW has suddenly changed her tone. Started accusing me of not communicating with her, that she knew nothing about the scout event, demanding that I get her enrolled in the pack mailing list and demanding the contact information for the pack events coordinator.
I sent her a detailed list of events for the remainder of the year along with the event coordinator's contact info (not before I sent a warning to the coordinator!) I also explained again to xW that since she was already planning to take our S's on a train ride this weekend that I had decided to rule out this one event and place my focus on the others. I also did not want to be the one to be blamed for spoiling xW's plans with our S's. S8 would have to learn that one cannot possible participate in every single thing that is possible.
So I thought I had made a reasonable response via email. Then I made the mistake of calling xW back. We had the most insane argument!
She was slamming me for (purportedly) trying to shut her out of S8's scouting events, being lazy for not wanting to take S8 to "such an important event", being selfish for not wanting to do whatever it takes to provide these opportunities to our S's or allowing her to do so when I cannot/will-not. She also accused me of setting her up to be seen as "the bad guy" in denying one of them from participating in such an event. She said I was again showing to be unreliable and terrible at communicating each (and every little) detail to her the second I am made aware of them. She maligned my parenting and denigrated my efforts to be involved with my children, totally diss'ed me.
Now she is demanding that I either take S8 to the Saturday only event for this Cub-O-Ree or else she will. But, she added, since I am now "supposedly" an assistant den leader, she couldn't understand why I would be too "lazy" and unwilling to actually participate in the den's activities. If I do go, she's going to demand I grant her a day during one of my weeks as "payback." And I told her I had the right to decline any payback day that interferes with what I already have planned.
I was unable to explain to her that because she had been so adamant that she was doing something else that day, I had already made other plans myself for Saturday. While I really do want to go, especially if S8 is going to be there, I really need to get my car serviced, as I won't have another chance to do so for some time. But I am willing to put that off for S8's sake. I also have another bible study and dinner meeting that night too. In other words, I too have some events that are important to me. However, I can't say anything to xW about that or else she'll start exclaiming to me and to my S's that I am too selfish to truly consider the needs of my S's.
xW really got me in a very agitated state. I told her that I had kept her informed all along of this event -- she knew when I knew, but because I did not put it in writing she said it didn't happen. Thus I suck at communication. So I told her the conversation was effectively over, because verbal don't work with her -- she can put anythign wants to say to me in writing, and I'm not going to ever waste my breath with her anymore.
It is becoming apparent that xW is going to try to either commandeer Scouting away from me or do everything she can to ruin my enthusiasm for it. She has gotten to be so toxic to me that I just don't relish her trying to horn her way into this one small avenue I have carved out for me and my S's. But I will do what I must, endure what I must for what is best for my S's.
Ok, refresh my memory, you're divorced but still ironing out the parenting agreement?
If (or hell if not for the matter) scheduling should have had a loosely put paragraph afore the "rules" and after stating that it is understood that as lifestyles and needs of the kid(s) change that certain flexibility is entrusted to the parents withing reason to agreement for the well being of all parties. Something to that effect.
Umm, so, other than the fact you told her of the event, I do remember you mentioning it here, what's the big deal in the first place?
Why don't you take him to the meeting on Saturday and allow your X to keep him an extra night or pick him up on Friday of her next weekend? Or simply take him dinner or something during the week for a few hours to "make it up"? I certainly won't swap days, my X knows that, and thus this practice HAS worked thus far.
Just an idea. Another idea (more like recommendation), go into a soundproof room and let it all out brother, you're gonna drive yourself to the cardiac unit getting all worked up. There should be NO arguing when it comes down to the kids, you're right about that. But I think the BOTH OF you need to think outside the box a little more.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
xW really got me in a very agitated state. I told her that I had kept her informed all along of this event -- she knew when I knew, but because I did not put it in writing she said it didn't happen. Thus I suck at communication. So I told her the conversation was effectively over, because verbal don't work with her -- she can put anythign wants to say to me in writing, and I'm not going to ever waste my breath with her anymore.
Verbal doesn't work with her! She either doesn't listen, twists what you say, is abusive, etc. You need to do what I do and just email re: the kids. Plus, if she gets abusive in an email you can and should print it out for the PC I'm thinking.
Last time X called me I hung up on him. I have never ever done that before, and would never, but I have told him over a dozen times just email, and I'm not going to waste my breath or time on that anymore.
Oh, we have a parenting agreement alright. It just doesn't adequately cover some of the insanity we get into with xW, obviously. I think that was where the parenting coordinator (PC) was thought to come in.
Hindsight being 20/20, I think xW was just spoiling for a fight with me, and I was fool enough to give it to her. I think she relished the chance to verbally insult me and put me down. I'm going to have to remember that from now on and completely avoid any conversation by voice with her that is more than a sentence or two. I'm not afraid of her but I think it best I not allow myself to become angry enough to shout back at her (I'm sealed up alone in my car and with a cellphone when this took place today.)
I am considering your recommendation. I might also need to get back into Martial Arts to burn off a little of this excess stress -- but then I realize it's not nearly as bad as it once was. If xW and I don't speak to each other when she's like that (which is all too often), I will be fine.
Karen, I should have hung up on her! I started to but then I decided to tell her the convo was over and then began to bow out peacefully and under control.
These ex's know all our buttons.
Funny thing is, I know her buttons too, and could have been merciless if I wanted to. But I'm just not cut that way, I guess.
Right, so I do get a little pleasure out of not letting him push my buttons or at least letting him know he did. Or if she leads you to believe it's an emergency, and it's obviously not, tell her to email you. Goodbye as you hang up.
Oh, of course we could be nasty too, but the high road is much nicer. If I acted like that, I would be so unhappy like I truly think they are. I mean just dealing with a couple minutes of them is horrible, and they have to live with themselves 24/7!!!
Nc~ She is toxic, and yes I do think she wanted to get you on that phone just to get you worked up.
definately stick to your plan with no communication with her other that email. She obviously cannot have an adult conversation with you about the kids.
Isn't it amazing how they have selective memory... I can't stand it.
Everything is about what is being done to them.. get out the violin...
This was an attempt to make it look like you were the bad guy for not telling her, when she is the one who was taking him away from an event that he wanted to participate in.
she is one piece of work...
Thinking of you... hang in there... shes the crazy one.
((((((hugs))))
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
