We took my kids kayaking and canoeing around your S' age. I think it'll be ok really. If they have life jackets, and you stress safety. My thinking is that if you have more experience, you should try to take your sons kayaking and canoeing with you so that you can teach them all the rules of safety and help ensure their safety on trips with W. Look at that as something fun you can do with them. Do they also swim and know how to float and all that? If not, you could teach them to swim also or have them take lessons this summer? Karen
Irish, I don't really converse with her anymore (other than briefly about the kids). I guess because it will usually tend to lead to a pointless argument. I think she does want to "one up" me, to win every argument, to be seen as the better parent, and as the better person. I am sure she is rationalizing this all by saying that their father (me) is too self-centered and lazy to involve our S's in such wonderful outdoor activities -- thus leaving it all up to her, again.
The thing is I started to take the boys camping, and she insisted that they were too young. But then a couple of months later she buys a tent and goes and takes them camping herself.
When we were married I was always eyeing canoes and kayaks with plans to purchase a C2 for the family. I installed a storage rack in our car port with keeping the C2 suspended above the cars during storage. But xW kept shooting those plans down, saying we couldn't afford it and that it was too early to take our small children out in such a craft anyway. Then the minute she moves into an apartment she buys a used kayak (and OM did as well, it would seem.)
But now she's opened the flood gates, I will gladly and justifiably ignore her when I take our S's paddling or camping. I will not seek her blessing or permission ever again.
Cat, I will and do talk to my boys about the things I used to do and that we will do again. But I will just be myself around my S's.
Karen, I know they would be as safe with me as they possibly can be. I think the most important lesson when in a canoe or kayak, aside from always wearing a life jacket, is to hold onto the boat, more-so than the paddle. If you should have to make a "wet exit", unless the boat is made of aluminum or some other metal (not likely) then it will have some natural buoyancy even when capsized -- hanging onto the canoe/kayak is the first safety lesson anyone should know. In fact that is probably more important than knowing how to swim.
xW has beat me to the punch (again) in enrolling S8 in swim lessons this summer.
Side Note: Oddly, xW did thank me in an email yesterday for getting the boys Wii Music -- she is happy that S8 is now enthused to play a game that doesn't involve shooting or destruction (like Lego Star Wars). Very uncharacteristic of her to acknowledge something good I might have done.
xW has beat me to the punch (again) in enrolling S8 in swim lessons this summer.
Is that a bad thing? I guess I have a diff. perspective b/c I'm jealous you have a co-parent that actually co-parents with you. My H seems to expect me to do it all and then criticize the way I do it.
It seems like it would be nice to have a parent co-parent with you and help sign up for lessons and do stuff like that so it's not all one parent's responsibility. I know she doesn't give you input which isn't good, but there are some good things that result for your boys at least. Two parents watching over them & loving them is a good thing I think... Karen
Karen, I understand where you're coming from. And in a sense I guess it is fortunate for my S's that both of their parents want to be involved in their lives. And I have been somewhat thankful for my S's sake that xW did not abandon her children like her own mother did to her.
But unfortunately my xW wants total control over our S's lives, to the exclusion of me altogether. She believes that fathers are completely optional to raising children (which is a view she has inherited from her demented, dysfunctional mother, and might also be somewhat understandable how xW has derived this viewpoint given how xW's own father was pretty much absentee, escaping from them via the bottle.) And in this case I am far too much of a hindrance to her rather than a benefit.
That is part of the reason she is seeking full custody. The other reason is that her guilt at destroying our family is so great she has to try to arrange the situation where it appears that I am so incompetent, selfish, uncaring and all-around horrible that it justifies her treacherous behavior. She is now using the welfare of our children, as she defines it, to justify taking me out of the picture.
No, if xW were truly interested in co-parenting, that would be one thing. But where xW is taking us, our S's will be witness to their parents waging a very ugly custody battle. I think that might actually be worse.
I just hope she doesn't do too much damage to the boys, she's already done it to you.
I pray so fervently to God that the pain and brokenness I feel does not also become manifest in the lives of my two innocent boys. I am fortunate that I was raised in an intact home, with a sound familial foundation. It would mortify me were my S's futures be jeopardized by this tragedy, as it will certainly not be what it should be.
And now that xW is pressing forward in involving the OM more and more in their lives, I fear my S's are having their moral upbringing stunted.
Originally Posted By: fightingirish
Have you been doing anything for yourself lately?
Originally Posted By: lwb
I agree also. Its time for you to be 'selfish'. Go do something for yourself.
I am doing what little I can, within my dwindling financial resources. Of course spending time with my S's only partly qualifies for what you're suggesting. I have added an aerobic program to my strength training, having backed off of the strength training considerably since the gastrointestinal incident last fall. I've gained close to 15 pounds since then, and I am now trying to ease that back down to my goal weight.
The bible study group with my friends has been on hiatus for the last few weeks, and will resume next Friday. We haven't gotten together at all in quite a long time now.
But mostly I have spent a lot of time alone when I do not have my S's. Reading. Thinking. Doing housework and errands. Not really socializing as I had been, but trying to get to know my old single self once more.
I feel the need to rebegin the GAL process.
One thing that I have been looking into is finding a new dog. We lost Duncan, our Scottish Terrier, in January. He didn't live with me, staying with xW for the kids' sake, but I took care of him. I wanted to change up my lease to allow pets so I could take him in, but then he got cancer and quickly passed on. I miss him a lot.
I would love another Scottie, and as much as I love that indefinable character they exhibit I can no longer look upon one and not remember Duncan or, more importantly, Angus, Duncan's father, who was the best dog I've ever known. They were irreplaceable.
So I have looked at other breeds. Leaning heavily towards a Westie for a couple of reasons. First my S's have a children's story book about a Westie that we all love very much. Second, we had always thought a white Westie would be the perfect complement to a darkly-coated Scottie when we considered a second dog to be a companion to Duncan.
If I were not living in an apartment, I would definitely gravitate towards a Golden Retriever. Even before I fell in love with Scotties, I knew how gentle and loving and all-around great pets that the Goldens could be.
But I have to work this out as a serious financial and emotional commitment first. There are considerable expenses to consider, including increased rent and deposits, health costs, food, etc. I have to consider the well being of the animal as well. I live in an apartment, so there's no fenced-in yard -- although that would be attenuated by my commitment to exercise the dog as much as necessary. And it might be that the apartment management might turn me down, despite their stated pet-friendly stance.
In general, it may not be wise to undertake this at this time. But I will give it considerable thought. It might have to wait until next Fall, or even next year, but I do know that at some point, nor or later, I will find the right dog and it will happen.
I must relate something that came up when I picked up my S's today (beginning my week of custody). S8 was telling me about OM and how he an his mother were doing so well catching fish, and how they are kayaking so much together. (I am not asking for any of this, S8 is bubbling over with this information, and I in fact would rather the subject not have been brought up. I get a queazy feeling in my stomach to hear this stuff.)
In his discourse, S8 mentioned a particular lake that he says that xW has frequented, which is one that I myself have never seen much less visited -- it happens to be quite near to where OM's property is. S8 says that xW and OM now frequent that lake quite a lot now, which given the above is not surprising.
But S8 said that his mother took our family dog out to this lake several times, and even took pictures, supposedly. What floored me was that S8 said that the dog xW took out to said lake was not Duncan but Angus. I had to get clarification from S8 on this very important point -- he confirmed that it was Angus and not his son Duncan that xW had carried out to that lake. Duncan was the dog who had been with us through our separation and divided household. Angus, on the other hand, died about nine months before S8 was ever born. Angus was my dog long before I ever got involved with xW, who adopted her when we got married and who lived with right up until our first child was conceived.
What this means, if true, is that my xW had been frequenting OM's local lake for over nine years and she had been taking my very own dog out with her without ever telling me she was doing so -- or, more importantly, with whom.
This leads me to speculate that xW has been chummy with OM for far, far longer than she would ever care to admit, and particularly to the point of concealing from me the details of her activities. And that she would be taking my dog, my long-time companion with her is just more insult to injury.
I honestly am now questioning whether my so-called W was ever faithful to me. I am now feeling like everything about her has been a lie and a cheap facade. And it would explain why she has for so very long held so very little respect for me -- all this time I've been nothing but a trusting fool and a cuckold to her. And the whole time she tried to hold this sense of moral superiority over me -- just more lies that I fell for.
I know that I can't be without a dog. My original "baby," Ernie, died as the marriage was dying...I only went 2 months before the puppy came home (Chloe). She never lets me feel completely alone.
Good luck; please consider a rescue dog (even one from a breed-rescue group) - they might have an older dog who has a clear health record, is trained, etc.
The conversation came up with S8 when I picked him and his little brother up from the evil MIL's apartment, in the same complex as xW's. We noticed that the OM was sitting in his pickup parked in front of xW's apartment, with two kayaks in the back of the truck. The fracktard was obviously waiting xW to get home from work.
What a pair of pathetic works they are.
So that's how the convo with S8 got started. He too saw the bastard and began singing the praises for that scum's supposed fishing prowess. My son singing the OM's praises!
I hurt so bad right now. I feel so betrayed and wounded. I want to heal and move onward from this. To get past all this pain and to resume my own growth. But the wounds keep being reopened with each new revelation. Lord, please show me the balm of Gilead and let me heal my soul, for my sake and for my sons.
