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#1806894 - 07/23/09 03:27 PM Re: Unstoppable [Re: karen43]
kat727 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/08
Posts: 9995
Loc: Kansas
I would send her an e-mail along the lines of "W, I am more than willing to have us together for our children during these important events of their lives. Having us together shows them that we both support them and encourage their growth and development. I will keep this in mind for future events that occur throughout the year. NC"

I know she is dense but great way to document what you are thinking!

kat
_________________________
M-50(and fabulous!)
S22, S19, D15, D14
Don't judge every day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. Robert Louis Stevenson

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#1806898 - 07/23/09 03:30 PM Re: Unstoppable [Re: karen43]
oldtimer Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/06
Posts: 4475
Au contraire, if an X is irrational and uncooperative, it is all the more reason to keep things strictly business. Certainly, it is worth trying to reach an agreement through Ls rather than through the courts when X has indicated she'd like to do so. Avoiding unnecessary battles of will and offering constructive, unemotional responses cannot hurt anything. But it might be even more useful to communicate about custody arrangements through the Ls in such a case. So, "XW, I too would like to come to an agreement amicably. Thanks for your thoughts. I'll speak with my L and we will send you a reply responsive to your thoughts soon." Then, let the L's talk.
_________________________
Best,
Oldtimer

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#1806904 - 07/23/09 03:38 PM Re: Unstoppable [Re: oldtimer]
oldtimer Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/06
Posts: 4475
Kat,

Such "message" emails generally serve merely to rile a WAS. They won't help the WAS "see the light" or "get it." XW will either get it herself and be more flexible on her custody days or she won't. Gratitude would go much further -- "Thanks, that is a great idea and it will be great for the kids."

Documenting what is going on is a good idea -- maybe a journal?
_________________________
Best,
Oldtimer

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#1807283 - 07/24/09 01:29 AM Re: Unstoppable [Re: oldtimer]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Quote:
Wow -- where is this coming from? Who said that fathers are irrelevant???


Xw's mentor, her mother, is the chief source of this belief. It is a belief that xW rejected for years, but now embraces. This is not a matter of conjecture, FYI.


Quote:
Who said anything about XW gaining "full and absolute" control of your kid's lives?


xW was identified by our M counselor -- a noted psychologist -- as having a severe expectation of being able to control her H and family. (I forget how he originally put it. ) Basically, she's an anal-retentive control-freak. Her contribution to the discord in our R stems primarily from this need to control others.

So co-parenting with xW has proven to be a very daunting task because she deems to dictate every detail about how our children should be raised. She tries to micromanage everything. And she does not want another party to "interfere" with her plans, especially a former H. In fact, even though she managed to D herself from her H, she still thinks she can dictate how that ex-spouse can think and behave. It vexes her to no end that while she achieved her D it has also meant giving up controlling me and my behaviors. So I guess now she would try to control me through our children instead.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

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#1807286 - 07/24/09 01:36 AM Re: Unstoppable [Re: karen43]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Bingo, Karen. My xW only does rational or reasonable if it benefits herself. Otherwise, she thinks she stands more to gain by being belligerent.

And no, I won't hold my breath that she'll return kindness with kindness. I've been burned often enough already to know that her idea of compromise means she stands her ground and I do all of the compromising. Likewise, her idea of give-and-take is that I do all the giving while she does all the taking.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

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#1807492 - 07/24/09 12:50 PM Re: Unstoppable [Re: NoCodeBlues]
fightingirish Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/07
Posts: 2866
Loc: USA
nc~

I think you already know what my feelings are on the subject. It easy for anyone to say "this is what you need to do"... saying it is a lot easier than doing it, and when emotions are involved its even harder. I know I couldn't shut it off like that. But that is me.

I don't think she will ever see the light , not anytime soon anyway. Its so fustrating that ultimately she has led the M to its demise, yet she acts like what she has done is non-existent.

Don't ever stop sticking up for your kids, someone has to look out for their best interest, and it woun't be her, all she cares about is herself.

(((((hugs))))
_________________________
me: 37
H: 44
Married for 18 years this june
S7
S3
porn issues, and much more... since 7/06

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

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#1811770 - 08/01/09 01:40 PM Re: Unstoppable [Re: fightingirish]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
I haven't commented much on my sitch lately. It's now just under two weeks before the temporary hearing, and I feel like I'm holding my breath in cautious anticipation...

My L and xW's L are still negotiating a settlement. I was expecting it to happen this week, but it hasn't gelled yet, I guess. I believe they filed a 1-week extension to filing all the affidavits, which had been due yesterday. Hopefully this extension will give us the time to resolve the matter before we go to court.

I haven't wanted to say too much about this to anyone, for fear I might jinx it. Maybe I am too pessimistic. Or maybe I have too often had my expectations dashed at the last second by xW to think it wouldn't happen again. I know her own concern for our S's is what is now bringing her to the table again, but experience tells me she really doesn't put them ahead of her own self-serving interests, not when push comes to shove.

I pray for her every night. I get down on my knees and pray for her and my enemies. I ask God to take these matters into His hands and let His will be done. I ask that He take xW and open her hardened heart once more, for her sake and everyone's sake, not just my own. But as always, let His will be done regardless of my own wishes.

One morning this week I felt compelled to get up from bed and pray again. S8 woke up and found me on my knees. He silently came and knelt beside me, bowed his head -- I can't tell you how much that touched me.

....

I want to lift up prayers for one of the fathers in my S's Cub Scout den. Since July 4 he has been in the hospital for a serious condition called ADEM (Acute Disseminated Encephalomyelitis) which has caused stroke-like symptoms and required brain surgery. He is now in recovery (thank the Lord) after nearly being lost, and he has a very long and arduous road ahead for him in rehabilitation. He is only now regaining some of his speech (thankfully) but there is still paralysis in his right arm.

I will post this also to the prayer request forum.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

Top
#1812376 - 08/03/09 12:49 PM Re: Unstoppable [Re: NoCodeBlues]
fightingirish Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/07
Posts: 2866
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues

One morning this week I felt compelled to get up from bed and pray again. S8 woke up and found me on my knees. He silently came and knelt beside me, bowed his head -- I can't tell you how much that touched me


That brought a tear... How sweet.

I wish this process was going faster for you, its the fear of the unknown that drives us crazy.

Im so sorry for your friend. Thats awful. I will say a prayer for him and his family.

Have you had your son's lately?? I hope you are getting out a bit.

smile
_________________________
me: 37
H: 44
Married for 18 years this june
S7
S3
porn issues, and much more... since 7/06

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

Top
#1812524 - 08/03/09 05:44 PM Re: Unstoppable [Re: fightingirish]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Me too, Irish. (Tear that is.)

I'm not really getting out much lately. I've been fighting a persistent chest cold. Other than church I haven't gone out in more than a week.

I had my sons until Friday, so this weekend I was bereft of their company. Didn't do much, just laid low. Once I get past this cold I hope to be more active again.

In the mean time I am awaiting the fate of this custody dispute, and wondering what's going on. I saw xW and our S's briefly at church yesterday. xW has been as cold as I've ever seen her -- seems to be silently fuming that I dare to exist, especially in any capacity within our S's lives. Leads me to think she's thinking of withdrawing from negotiations again. But that might just be my pessimism talking.

Just the same it wouldn't surprise me.

_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

Top
#1815001 - 08/08/09 12:00 AM Re: Unstoppable [Re: NoCodeBlues]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
Hey, NC. I hope you're feeling better by now. I've been praying for you and your custody stuff. I hope it works out well for you and your boys...

Karen
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

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