I think -- and I fall into this trap but *regularly*, too -- that there is a delusion that says, If you understand HOW and WHY it happened, you have exerted some control over it. You have harmonized the past to the present by act of accurate intellectual and/or emotional insight, which can almost feel like expiation.
(Not that there's any percentage in going your merry way oblivious only to repeat the same pattern multiple times, either.)
But ultimately, any order we impose on the past is a story we're telling. Maybe pretty accurate, maybe less so. It's educational to reflect on how the meaning we impose on our own histories tends to grow and shift through time as we do.
Recognizing that is the first step toward letting go, maybe.
"You can't see what you can't see. Until you do."
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
One of the other things that really gets me is the unfairness of the situation. Yes, I know "life ain't fair" and "First noble truth: There is suffering". But I didn't do anything inherrently wrong or harmful.
Obviously I didn't do something well enough. But I didn't cheat, fight, abuse, abandon, overwork, and there were no drug or alcohol problems, etc.. The simple explanation; I got depressed and she got bored.
And when I look around I seeing it happen to so many others. Why is this so common? What is going on?
What is the message my children will learn? "One day she will get bored of you and move on. There's nothing you can do about it."
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Under the circs, I can't think of anything better for you to teach/model for your kids than, "You can't control anyone else. But you CAN, ultimately, choose to thrive."
Well said Kett.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Odog, After spending a week with my kids alone because we were off and W wasn't, I can say I agree so much with what you wrote. I don't want to see them half the time. I want all four of us to be together all the time. A few times during the week I looked at my boys at the aquarium and thought that this could be our future. Me and them together alone doing something fun. knowing that soon they would have to go home, a different home than the one I am going to. How the hell can I not tuck them in every night? How can I not have dinner with them every night? I grew up in a happy home with an intact loving family. How can I give them anything less? I also don't care about kids adjusting and all that crap. We are supposed to be a family. Period.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I really feel what you guys are saying here. This weekend I was with my girls at a museum and D2 had to have her diaper changed. I took her to the changing room and a man and his baby came in. I said, "sorry we will be just a minute." When we came out he said, "so did you draw the short straw with your wife like I did?" I said, "no-I am always on my own with them." THEN I felt really like a single parent. Why do I have to be? Because my wife wants to be with another man? My wife did not die in a car crash but I wished I could have told the guy that.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final