No, but in one, I didn't offer to help him out of a burning car...which is completely out of character for me. I would help anyone. I woke up in a cold sweat and crying. Others are short, but ...he breaks his leg, or something like that. Ok , zombies got him once but I had watched a horror flick for some reason b4 i went to bed. Anyway. they are really messing up my sleep.
Today has been fairly good, I went to lunch with a close friend of mine and while I was extremely sore and tired when i got back, I was in a great mood.
I have a dr appt in the morning to go over some of my test results....Im a little nervous. Trying not to dwell on it tho.
Had one moment today when I missed my H. I was transfering files onto my new MP3 player (yes it came in finally) and saw a pic of him. God I wanted to cry. I just skipped over it and did something else for a minute, then went back to loading my stuff.
I did chat with a friend of mine who told me I shuld just tell him "hi" and see what happens. that kinda goes against the LRT tho, so Im not going to. Plus. honestly, I dont think it will make me feel any better. I can fantasize that it will, but really. i know it wont. Not right now anyway.
Ive been so depressed since yesterday. I went to see my dr and find out about test results and options etc. I am.....so scared I can hardly breathe. They found 1 lesion, not a def MS dx but... Im having a hard time coping. He wants me to go to counseling and join a support group to help me through this. I am going to follow his advice. Im not really sure how that will go, sometimes support grps can be so...negative...not always I know, but sometimes. I have someone staying with me for now. She is talking about moving in to my spare room, Im undecided. Im going to go over pros and cons and think about it over the weekend. Thankfully my ins is set, because NOW it will be almost impossible to get another policy without a exclusion. Im still covered under H's policy but i made his secondary before all the testing stuff started up. I cant remember who suggested that but ty. Financially, Im doing fine so far. As fine as can be in the economy.
I considered contacting my h and letting him know, but I dont think it will help and frankly, other than the ins thing which the hosp will file, there's really no "need". I guess I just want to talk to him. *sigh* I will stop looking for excuses to send him a txt or msg. I know its not helping me at all.
Im really trying to get myself cheered up. Just so hard right now.
Dusk
and no, he hasnt contacted or asked about me as far as I know. Im trying not to think about that. again, kinda hard right now.
Dusk, I'm sorry you are upset. Can you tell us what the diagnosis means? Unless it's too upsetting - then don't. Are you seeing a C individually? Maybe that would be better than grp counseling now. And if so I'd call her & tell her you need an appt. ASAP. Maybe think about trying the grp thing & see how it goes.
IMO, I don't think you should contact H. I'm thinking of you & if he a negative or no reply I'm afraid you'll feel worse. you just don't need that right now. Try really hard to think of what will make you feel better right now. It's good you have a friend staying w you. Can you call other friends just to talk/vent? Do you have any family you can call to talk about this? Can you do something not too strenuous to treat yourself, see a movie, get a massage, soak in the tub, read gossip mags or whatever you like to do? By all means journal your heart out here, this is a safe space & we all care about you. You are in my thougths & prayers. (((((Dusk))))))
Im not having a good day at all. I started out ok i guess, a little irritable but otherwise ok. Then i got a msg from someone, not sure who asking me if i knew what my h was up to and that he wasnt just with 1 OW this weekend but had a "few" at his apt. After i threw up at the thought of it i just was filled with such a loathing i could barely see. I showed it to my friend who is staying here and she said it was all bunk and to ignore it. It was a txt sent from online, so no number came up just a website. I am chnging my cell first thing in the morning. I cant handle anymore of this kind of thing right now.
Health wise Im ok i guess. I have an appt at 8 with a C. Mostly this weekend I have been laying around watching movies. Not very productive I know, but I really didnt feel like even washing so much as a cup. My right leg is giving me trouble again, not too bad but I notice my control is a little shaky.
I HAVE decided to let my friend move in for now. SO she will be putting her things in storage and moving into my spare room over the next week. I really think having someone here is just good sense for now. I have a nurse that comes 3x's a week but at night, I like knowing someone is here in case.
((((Dusk)))) Absolutely, change your cell number. Who knows why someone would do something like that? I am sorry you had to be subjected to such garbage. Glad you have a friend there. You are doing great even though you may not feel like it. Please hang in there & keep taking care of yourself.
checking in and journaling a bit i guess. Thx LFA. <3
I had a decent session with my C. Mostly I just ranted, once in a while she got a word in, but mostly I just ranted.
I feel a little better physically. I did get out yesterday for about an hour before I was just wiped. Mostly I have been having a hard time focusing. Not sure if its fatigue or what. i called my dr about it and have an appt in the morning.
Been trying VERY hard not to think about my h too much. Nobody hears from him anymore and he hasnt looked at my music, altho I havent been working on it either. Just havent had the desire or the strength. This morning I was having my quiet cup of tea and the strangest thought occured to me.....I was thinking about how much I loved him and then suddenly...I couldnt remember why. He has done nothing in months to give me any reason to. Oddly enough, I still love him. Made me pause anyway. I started reading the news to get my mind off of it.
I need a nap badly so Im going to lay down and watch a movie until i fall asleep.
Emergency!!!!!!!!!!!....sorta....my heart is POUNDING
Couldnt sleep so got up and logged onto FB to goof off on some mindless games.....checked my msgs......one is from my H. Here's what he says....
"Hey just checking in to see how everything is going and to know how that test went. Hope it all went well and your getting better and gonna stay getting better."
I didnt even know he knew about my testing. I want to answer him so badly ..but not sure if I should wait..I prob should, I know answering him while im all fluttered up is a BAD IDEA...but how long should I wait?
27 days of no contact.... I know its prob not a big deal but it IS !!!!!!!!
Anyone with any advice please let me know, I wont do anything yet...but .....my heart is REALLY pounding right now. God my hands are shaky too. Damn man! grrrrrr
Dusk, I'll let the experts advise you, & know how you must feel (I'm at 30 + days of no contact!! Not even a text, nothing!)
BUT, I think your instincts telling you to wait are right. Remember, he doesn't contact you for 27 days, does he really deserve an immediate response? You are a busy, interesting, & exciting person -- his message is nice but you're not waiting around to hear from him! Easy for me to say right?? I'm sure you'll hear from the those who know better soon.
hihi LFA, yea im gonna wait until I hear fomr some others that have been thru this "stage". Last time he contacted i totally blew it. I dont want him to think that I could care less that he asked about me becaue of course I do. But I dont want him to think Im sitting around waitng for him to send me a sign that he knows I exist either. Cause Im really not.
Im surprised, happy, angry? not sure why I had that feeling but I did, nervous, I could keep going but my soup (ugh, again) is ready.
My friend that is stayng with me and helping me here at the apt was shocked he sent me a msg too. So Im glad its not just me.
I tried really hard not to think about it....mostly did ok with that. She helped a lot on that, kept talking about politics which Im rather passionate about. Always a good distraction for me, lol.
Just not sure what when or how to answer him back. and yea, like a little kid I have read and reread the msg he sent about a million times. Is that sad? Probably. I sat on my hands everytime i thought about answering him tho, then closed it. =) been good so far............
no advice? premonitions? scolding? I havent answered him yet but I want to. Just not sure what to say.
Im pretty sure Im over thinking this whole thing. I know I have seen it said several times not to read anything into anything WAS say or do. Im working on not doing that.
My friend here is a huge help on everything except this, she thinks I should file for a divorce. I dont WANT a divorce, I want to talk to my h and work things out. We dont have children and there is no way to see him since he is out of the country. I keep hoping he will mention coming stateside for xmas...but even if he did that doesnt mean he would see me. And what if he brings HER??
Ok so, back to the msg he sent...any thoughts on how I should handle this? This IS progress right?
