Hey here to say one day at a time seems to be working although I am terrified to hope that things are going well.
Last weekend, I was so upset due to "See you in two days" from H. This weekend, as a contrast, he slept over (separate rooms) the last two nights, spent family time, and today woke up and said he needs to do some work and go to the gymn, and will be home for dinner. Spent all morning with S so I could sleep in. When I didn't pressure him to talk about "plans" for the weekend he seems to just be hanging out day by day.
Dare I say this feels normal? Like before separation? I'm scared to trust it. I'm feeling the fear - he must be too. But his actions are demonstrating coming closer.
google "loving detachment' from livestrong. I printed it out and now read it every day. Good luck to you! My H and I have been separated for 8 months now, living apart...so it seems like it's over. It's an inspiration to see others' where things seem to be getting better over time. Don't want to get false hope but I am happy for you. Stay strong!
hhh - my H and I are also separated and living apart - he's been threatening legal separation and probably divorce before this better spell - so I feel your pain re: it feels like it's over. We've lived apart for 4 months. This is why I am so scared to believe it could be going so well, that he is spending so much time with the family. Even a couple weeks ago, we were doing nothing more than passing off our S.
EB - You're right. slow and steady. Things could go back down any minute and I know it. Thank you for your constant reminders - I need them!
You're so strong and I admire you. I identify w your posts a lot too. Yes, slow and steady seems to be the name of the game. I've also been working on GAL and not reverting to old patterns whenever we talk. We don't have a child so it's less motivation for him to want to communicate/work on anything. If you have a chance to look through my thread 'just want my H back' I would value your input.
It sounded awhile back, in your sit, that your H would choose D if he had to decide that day...yet you were in therapy. How did you get him to go to therapy if he wanted D? So often it seems like a child is the motivating factor to try counseling. I am trying to glean anyy advice I can.
I like your attitude...you are a strong woman! hugs, hhh
Hey hhh, I will def. check out your thread. I want to respond to this post first.
First of all, H has since quit therapy - after only three sessions. He did it to placate me, and blame me and the therapist. He showed up, said, "Convince me why things will be different this time" and when the therapist said change can only happen with your willingness, he refused to go back. So I am DBing instead. I'm working on me, not him.
Then, he said he wanted a legal separation agreement to protect him financially if/when we will get divorced, and said he does not want to go to therapy until this happens. He wants the terms he wants NOW because he fears the longer this goes on, the more he;ll get screwed on alimony. I figure he also thinks I'll be fairer to him if I hope there's a reconsiliation possibility, but if he waits to debate settlement terms once a D is in progress, I may fight harder. I have decided to have his lawyer draw something up, I'll send it to my lawyer and then discuss how this will help or hurt me.
After I seemed agreeable to the legal stuff, he started being more responsive, spending more time with us and all. I originally thought it was because I let go and didn't fight him on money or on leaving that he may have had a second thought about it all.
Today I'm more scared. I got possessed by the fear today that perhaps he is just being nice to me and spending time with S to get me to agree with his legal terms, not because he is reconsidering.
I dont' know where H is coming from. I don't know what to expect. This is why I have to go slow and steady, because I am afraid of getting screwed too. I don't want to come from a place of fear, I'm trying to come from love lately. But he definitely tries to make it difficult sometimes!
Like today: H said he'd be out at work and the gymn for a few hours then home tonight. He hasn't called - it's been six hours. I'm getting despondent again. I don't know what to do. If I call him, I'm "chasing" and not "GALing". But he is going back on his word and this scares me. I don't want him to think he can just breeze in and out of here whenever he feels like it AND get what he wants in a settlement b/c he gave one week of good behavior!
I knew it couldn't last forever. My husband came in tonight and blasted me with rage about some small thing. This has been a big problem for us in our marriage. Worse since he left, but has been better the last couple weeks. Literally, a small chord plugged into my computer knocked over a couple of things on his desk, none broken, and he went ballistic, in front of S. At first I got defensive and raised my voice, and we started down our old pattern. He started blaming me and saying how "I failed" and "This is why he doesn't like to come home because he doesn't like to see how I mess things up>" It was really hurtful.
After a couple minutes of arguing, I did my 180 - I left the house for 15 minutes to calm down. I told him I would be back in 15 minutes and I was. He was still beligerent after putting S to bed, but I calmly defended myself and said divorced or not, we're going to have to deal with these things respectfully. If I make mistakes I don't want to feel persecuted. I made him see how he jumps to conclusions about how I am somehow a flake who doesn't pay attention to things. I stood my ground.
And miracle of miracles, he eventually calmed down, admitted he hadn't been respectful, and we worked out a solution with the chord and desk so it won't happen again.
It was not perfect, but it went pretty darn well. In the past, this could have escalated into a fight that lasted all night!
Well I wasn't calm at first, but I took steps to calm myself down. I guess that is a silver medal instead of a gold, but still a win.
The thing is after he left tonight, I just felt so awful inside. I wonder why sometimes I am hanging on to a man who yells and criticises me so much. It hurts enormously.
I guess I figure he's not perfect either and I married him so I'm going to try my best as long as I can. It's so hard to stay calm in the face of constant criticism and anger however. It just doesn't feel like love and I lose hope sometimes.
Hey robx - I like your attitude - I could use some of that. How about for a W dealing with a WAH who is very angry and critical any time he comes home? He lives in his apt. but first thing out of his mouth when he comes to take S or visit is yelling about something I f***ed up in his mind. Does a H respond to a strong woman too? Usually if I stand up to him saying come find me when you are calm, etc, he gets even more furious. It seems to backfire.
General advice? Or check out my thread to see my sitch? Thx! "I'm new and wondering if this works" is the name of my thread.
Hope,
You posted this to RobX's attention over on my new thread. Hope you don't mind if I offer my two cents. I haven't read your entire thread, but regardless of that you H shouldn't be treating you to the kind of verbal abuse you describe. It sounds like he has anger management issues in addition to not having respect for you.
One of the common issues the Left Behind Husbands (LBHs) have is not understanding the impact their words and actions are having on their wife (W) until it is too late. It boils down to communication issues between the two. In the case of you and your H, you are going to have to have a very frank discussion with him about what he is doing, how it makes you feel and what the consequences are going to be for him if it continues (i.e. divorce, separation, etc). You need to be firm and very specific when you communicate this to him. He needs to know that there is going to come a time when you are no longer going to wonder why you are staying with him and putting up with his crap- you are just going to leave. Is that what he really wants?
Have that crucial conversation with him. If you are concerned that he may react negatively, consider having it with him in the presence of a third party- one of your parents, a close sibling or friend.
Good luck and hang in there.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Thanks, BJ. Yes, his anger has been an issue long before the bomb. We have gone to MC before the bomb to deal with it with minimal and only temporary success. He is the WAS now so I fear standing up to him because he is already so far out the door and I'm trying to save the Marriage. I know that means I put myself in doormat position. I don't want a D so saying I'll leave him if it doesn't change is not something I can do now. I have had various levels of temporary success by standing up to him in different ways, but the anger always returns.
How do I stand up to a WAS who I don't want to threaten with D (since that is what he is doing to me), but still draw a line? How can I get him to shape up? Is threatening D the only way?
