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Hope, how have things gone with communication between you?


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Originally Posted By: BigJohn
Hope,

Feel free to tell him about me if you'd like- I'll correspond with him here if it would help your sitch. I will tell you that it might have made a difference in my current sitch if I had realized and addressed my spell of depression rather than it resolving itself after I left my old job.


BJ, that is so kind of you. H is a man that cannot admit a problem to his closest family or friends. He didn't even tell his family we were separated until recently - which is six months after he left. No way would he talk to an anonymous person. I wish to god he would! I appreciate your kind words they are helping to get me through this difficult time.

I know he has a horrible time admitting whatever he is going through - but he blames it on me and my presence. SEe below...any advice? I could use a male perspective here.

Last night he flipped out- burst into my room, blasted me, then stormed off and slammed the door "there will be no discussing this - you have to behave." My old cat had been in another home because he peed on the carpet years ago - but had to return recently. H started peeing on the carpet again. H threatened everything under the sun - I'm living the high life while he slaves away to pay for a house I am ruining. Meanwhile calling me crazy, a nutjob, dumb, etc.

I know he is panicked about the house, the separation, money, it's obvious why he's been so edgy. But he started saying he would have to sell the house and my son overheard - it was awful - how irresponsible I am and can't take care of "his only investment" so H wants to sell the house so he can buy his own condo while the markets are low - he's afraid that if he waits until a D is final, he won't be able to afford one.

I blew it. I'm supposed to stay calme. I did everything that makes things worse - I followed him into his office and wanted to talk things out. This enraged him more.

H said that if I want the arrangement where H comes to our place to stay with our son, I have to be gone the nights he's here - he said I should stay at his place "to see how it feels". He said he can't relax or feel like he has space in the house when I'm here, even if I'm just in my room with the door shut.

H is being completely unreasonable and enraged - as usual - and upping the stakes on me. I do not want my five year old staying someplace else until / if we finalize a D. He is too small and it would upset him way too much. But I don't want to be shoved out of my home because my H can't handle his feelings.

Last edited by Hope4Luv; 10/08/09 04:49 PM.

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I'm giving up people. Going to NC.


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Good luck. I have since Monday and it's hard as hell. I'm worried about it since it's more of the same... neglect. But I'm tired of the hurt.

(((Hope4Luv)))


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I'm sorry, DBD. In your sitch it sounds like the best plan is to move on independantly if he is going to be so closed and rigid. My H has been waffling which makes my decision so hard.

I've avoided calling him today although I wanted to pick up the phone about five different times!


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Please smack me if I'm wrong... should I have let him know I wasn't going to show up at MC? It was probably rude.

Not that I can do anything about it now.


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Hope
Hang in there. Sometimes the NC is just what they need to realize a life without you.


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STronger - as if he cared...all I got was "Get the f*** away from me!"

DBD - I think in the state he is in now, why should you worry if YOU are rude? Isn't he being rude to you?


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Hang in there Hope.


AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

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Hope,

Your H needs to get his a$$ to counseling now. He is not fully aware of the damage he is doing to himself and to his family. He may have an Old School mentality about this i.e. "real men learn to deal with their own problems" but it is B.S. I know because I have been there and I thought that same way for a long time!

There is nothing wrong about seeing a professional for a "second opinion" (the first opinion would be your H's) for his issues. This is NOT a sign of weakness... if anything it takes a bigger man to acknowledge that he needs help for something he can't deal with all by himself. If for nothing else, your H should do this for the sake of his 5 year old son!

He has demonstrated to you time and again that he is a talented man and fantastic provider for you and your son and for that you are very proud of him. Not addressing this problem runs contrary to his commitment to his family and high standards. This problem is impacting his productivity, his work product, his health and destroying his family. He can't reconcile this chaos with the man who he is and the standards he lives up to. HE CAN'T!

If he doesn't want to talk to an anonymous person- fine, I understand. So how about this: print this post out and stick it under his nose to read. Then, if he wants to argue with what I have written, have him scribble a reply back for you to post. And then I'll reply.

How do you like those bananas? grin


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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