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It's been really tough for you Nell.

I think the NC is the way to go and don't ask him to help with the household stuff. He's obviously not wanting this type of responsibility at the moment. Sounds like he's a 'fair weather' H.

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I agree Cas.

Neighbour started the lawnmower with no problem - seems that I must have just 'flooded' it. He says to ring him whenever I need anything, which is really great but at the moment it feels like he could be here full time with everything else that's going wrong.

He laughed at my water problem .... this is a guy from back home who I worked with and he now lives four doors away! We are good 'friends' but it's not quite the same. Am getting to know his W though so that's a positive.

Off to finish that bottle of white now and drown some more sorrows.

Another time of nc commences ....


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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Hi Nell,

I go away for a day and so much happens. I am sorry that your H is still being a moron and that you find yourself doing what I did the other night. Remember your advice to me to not drink too much because it is a depressant.

Rise to the challenge Nell, NC and I agree with Cas no more asking to help with the house stuff it obviously aggravates him.

Tomorrow is another day.

Hang in there Nell

(((((((((Nell))))))))



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Thanks Oz - yeah, take my own medicine, eh?!! I haven't had a drink for so long and even though I have to swallow my own advice now, I NEEDED something to take the edge off my fury. I didn't quite finish the bottle, but almost!

Was awake at 3am and another early rise for me this morning. I can't get enough sleep, try as I might and it's wearing me down. I won't give in to pills and I don't think that I am quite there yet anyhow.

Today I shall try to cut the lawns again! It's so much effort getting all the equipment out, dragging the bin around with me for the clippings and then to have to start over again today for the aborted attempt that yesterday was.

Still feeling evil about things today. It's better for me when I know that H is spending weekends on his own, too. He is showing no remorse whatsoever about his actions and I just know in my heart and head that this is over ... and I should start to let go. It's so hard though when all the reminders are here and I am just waiting on a full time job to see if I can afford to buy H out of the house. I know that there's still time but I have REALLY had enough of living like this.

I'm so alone and even though I now have a few friends around, it's not the same when they can't be contacted - my family and friends in the UK are so quiet these days and I miss having physical presence of another human. Cuddling up to Cat6 last night, I wondered at how pathetic my life has become to how it was six months ago. This time last year H and I were getting all excited for our trip back home and look at us now ....


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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I must be a bit stronger though as I still haven't responded to H's text of yesterday. I don't intend to either.

When he asked "did you manage to sort out the water" it was all I could do not to reply "why are you asking - it's not like you care"...

... and there, in that one line, you see my anger, hurt and pain coming out, as it always does. It's why he gets nasty and backs right off. It allows him to behave the way he does and gives me the Platinum entry ticket for the Pity Party.

I have tried so hard to change my responses, do 180's, affirm and validate - nothing works on him. Nothing works.


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
Joined: Jun 2009
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I've found that each step of detaching makes us a tiny bit stronger along the way. You are also using this time to reflect on your own behaviours as well. This is a big positive. Hope your lawn mowing is successful today. It's good to know that you can resolve your water and lawn issues without H.

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I have some stronger times Cas and then I lose it and am back in the hollow for a few days. This is one of those times.

I manageed to finish the lawns today but it was a huge effort, my wrist and finger problems appear to be getting worse and everything is so heavy and awkward for me. Still, it's done and I like the resulting neatness - makes my world feel orderly, even if it's not.

The neighbour opposite was out fixing some stuff and we stopped for a quick chat (don't know them well and don't really want to get involved). I was dreading that she was going to ask where H was and I was not even listening to much of her convo as I was trying to pull together a response. Instead, she was just intent on telling me how the next door neighbour had been burgled last weekend. Another worry for me to now add to my list.

Sat in the garden with the sun shining down on me and took the opportunity to give the furries a good brushing, which they both enjoyed. Sat there, I just can't believe that H is interstate and living it up whilst I am here doing all the work and taking care of what used to be our joint responsibilities. Makes me feel some very, very bad and evil thoughts. I also feel like spilling the beans and telling his parents about his behaviour - I won't of course but the temptation to show people what a louse H is being is huge. He is acting cowardly too, in my view. He's not facing anyone ... and he's getting away with them all thinking that he is the victim in all of this, without them knowing the truth. I won't tell them what's going on here yet I am the one who is being seen as the villain. Not fair.

Now, cooking some lunch, I wonder "when is this over? How do you know when enough is enough?" ....

I'm getting such a clear message from H and yet I still feel that it is such a loss, for us both. Up until 2 months ago, he told me that he would reconsider the whole deal if there was something monumental - but what is he waiting for and meanwhile, he's not exactly doing anything to help us, is he?

Although I hate him right now for his actions and the impact that they are having upon me, I still can't sever the love ties that I have to him. What is in my head and heart continue to conflict - badly.

Last edited by Eskimo Nell; 09/27/09 04:12 AM.

WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
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Hey Nell -

Saw your other post and thought I'd check in - hang in there.
Sounds like you're doing a lot to keep busy, that's good. I'm having some hard days too. But I know we're all going to get through this. Hang in there.

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Nell, you're not alone...we all have the stronger times and then the low times. In those times I can recognise that I am just being plain pathetic. However, there are times when I need to be pathetic and to wallow in self pity before I give myself a giant smack and get back into life. I'm sure it's like that for us all. It's a bit like eating everything in sight before deciding enough is enough and embarking on the diet.

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Passing by and thought I add a big DITTO to what Cas and Bill said. They don't call it a roller coaster cause its smooth :-)


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Me-41
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M-15 yrs T-17 yrs
D-12
S-9
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