I haven't read much of Dia's sitch, Rabbit but maybe I need to address that over the quiet weekend that is approaching (it's also BH here so it's going to stretch on and on and on ... ). It's a real b*gger too as my new friend's H has just returned from his job away, for good. Means that weekends won't be spent with her any longer :o( (how selfish of me - but you know what I mean)!
Cas - that's a good one! I have got this new inspirational book from the library. It's called Now Is The Time by Patrick Lindsay - it's full of all those nice little quotes and I think that, choosen carefully, they have a message for us all.
You can all hold your breath now - there's another 169 quotes of ways to 'seize the moment' if I hold on to the book for that long!!
Last edited by Eskimo Nell; 09/24/0911:34 AM.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Getting quite desperate to tell H I want to have M talks, even though I shan't as I know it's wrong! I just don't see how we are ever going to have the opportunity to discuss stuff ... I guess that he knows how I feel but he doesn't know that I want a NEW M, not the old one back. I want to be able to tell him what's in my heart but he's not listening - nor does he want to. I fear that the he is just getting more involved with ow and I am losing ..... fast.
It feels a bit better now that I can get him to email me but it's always in response to something - he never initiates any contact - and nor will he.
I'm so resentful that everyone else is off enjoying the long weekend coming up - sitting in the traffic tonight, they are all there with their partners beside them, loaded up for the weekend camping ... fun. Me - nothing, except a date with lawn mower, if my wrists/finger is up to it.
What I did get when I got home was an email from an ex-colleague who has taken his WAW, S2 and S6 to the airport as they are leaving for the UK - never to return. This is a good H, loving father and it makes me sick that he's here in our boat - sinking fast. I have encouraged him to join us here but I don't think that it's for him. He says that he is doing surprisingly well today and yet something tells me that he is going to bomb out. We all know that feeling. Perhaps I am feeling a bit more sorry for him today than I am for myself.
Those times are coming - when I first arrived here, I felt so sorry for myself and no-one's sitch was worse than mine. Now, even though I still feel like it's the pits of hell, I do see that some are much worse off. Doesn't stop you feeling like hell though, does it??
Got an email at work from H this morning in response to my asking him how he was feeling and would he like me to get anything for him. He ignored that bit - just said "Still very average but a long weekend to relax should help. Will pick up emails over weekend".
Nothing much to reply to there ...
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
How good is tonight?? More text from H telling me about what is going on at work. His company has had some great business news and H says that this is going to mean big changes.
I took the opportunity to 180 again and show BIG interest, asking him if this is what the meeting in Sydney is for at the end of the month and what the changes meant for him.
After so many texts back and forth, suddenly, without warning or anything .... no reply!
Was tempted to try again but I'm leaving it now. I had planned that my next text was going to say "sorry - would love to stay and chat but have to go" ... so that I was the first to end the conversation. Seems he beat me to it. Still, that's more than I've had with him all week and in text terms, most since July!!
This is a BIG INFANT step for me - not a small baby one! <grin>
Last edited by Eskimo Nell; 09/25/0911:03 AM.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Rabbit wants the world to stop so that she can get off but I think that I have beaten her to it and am already two feet over the edge.
Tired and feeling unwell today. Really can't get motivated to anything and have already been back to bed twice this morning, although have to keep on getting up to let out the nagging (but gorgeous) cats. I just want to scream at H to come and take his turn at looking after them for a while! (I can't believe that I am saying that two cats are getting to me but that's how short my fuse feels).
I feel like I have been run over by a steam roller ... so tired and as flat as. No particularly good or bad thoughts - just more nothingness. An empty black, gaping hole. I wonder what I am living for. More of this?? The sun is shining brightly but I am cold and sorrowful. I think that I need to go squirrel up in my bed and stay there and see what tomorrow looks like when it arrives.
I will probably call back later though, just to see what's going on in the world of broken hearted people. Hope that you are all having a much more pleasant day than I.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Earlier this week, I decided to give myself a day to just wallow in the pain. I stayed in my bathrobe til 3 PM, ate only cheetos and watched a sad romantic movie. It was just what I needed. That day, I cried some long overdue tears. I just needed that day to fully acknowledge the hurt.
Be gentle with yourself. You are going through a hard time. I hope you will cry the tears you need to. It's nature's way of healing us.
Thanks Dudess - and it just got a whole lot worse.
Deciding that I needed to shake my funk, I got dressed and went out to mow the lawns. In the process, I note that the water supply outside our property has been damaged and there's water flooding out everywhere - the faucet is broken off and nothing that I can do. I phone H.
H hangs up the phone. I phone again. Line goes dead. I phone once more - goes to voice mail and I tell him to ring me urgently. I send a text - all the wrong things I know but I'm in panic mode here. H phones.
I explain the problem, he tells me he is interstate - after all the woe is me and how he was going to relax over the weekend THE LIAR is with ow and sounded like he was out and about ....
FURIOUS and shaking, I tell him that he had better get home and sort out his responsibilities before living his adulterous lifestyle. He tells me (in a manner of words) "then you should be looking after [censored] stuff". I hung up.
Now waiting on the emergency water guy to call whilst sat here FUMING and with no-one to call on for any kind of sympathy or support.
Carried on with the lawns - lawn mower blew up.
I just feel like telling H to get down here next weekend so that we can get this all over and done with. I hate that he's rubbing my nose in it all the time and I am so over looking after OUR home and HIS mess.
How I wish that I could cry. Even this fury won't allow me to shed the tears and I am like a dam inside - the walls are going to give way soon, I just know it. H has absolutely no concept of how I'm feeling and what he has done. He's never been rejected in his life and wouldn't know how it felt ..... meanwhile, I'm hurting like hell and have no-one to turn to.
I just feel like ending this life. I've had enough.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Need to go dark again - or do I need to tell H to get his a$$ down here next weekend so that we can do some major SERIOUS talking, regarding the house and all the responsibilities that go with it? I don't see why I am sailing this ship alone whilst he is off GAL'ing and I am left holding everything else together - including my broken heart.
It seems to me that when he is here alone, he cake eats by wanting to tell me stuff, spend an evening here on false pretences and upset me before he leaves. Then, whenever he has opportunity to go interstate, he's off in a flash, ignores me for as long as possible and today, was really - and I mean really - rude to me on the phone, using profanities which he probably thinks make him look big and masterful in front of ow. Pathetic, childlike behaviour.
Sorry to rant but I need to .... I managed to shed 3 tears today before the well dried. What's the matter with me - am I emotionally barren or am I just over-protecting myself? Why can't I cry when I so want to ... it's been months now and nothing .... ?????
It's a gorgeous sunny lunch time here but I'm taking a bottle of wine, my precious babies and I am going to bed. I've had enough of today and knowing that H won't be back until Tuesday is eating in to me. He was making off last night like he was so ill and spending some time on his own to recover .... I wish we could use some really choice language here as I could really spit some out right now.
I think that his texts that I was getting so excited about, were a way to kill some time at the airport - no wonder then he didn't reply to my last one.
Oh, I don't know what to do now but my instinct is to go back to nc for a week or three.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
