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BND,
What do you mean by not provoking him? He said he would could "date" again, but he has made no moves in that area. Do I ask him out? I asked my atty for a separation agreement, but in Colorado they are very close to the same thing. My atty said we go to the conference, get the financial piece in order, and then tell the judge we are attempting to reconcile. However, I see NO movement towards reconciliation on my h's part. I think he's in full blown replay and will be there for awhile. How long did your stand last before your marriage was reconciled?


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
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First of all this takes time....tons of it!!

There is no set amount of time during a MLC, just stages which they go through, the worst being replay.

If you are hoping that a reconcilliation will occur any time soon, stop, replay can take years.

Your Husband will say lots of things to you, some of which totally contradict each other.

He will tell you he loves you.
He will tell you he hates you.
He will tell you that you ruined his life.
He will tell you he wants to make things work.

It will go back and forth as he is trying to figure out the things in his head.

The OW will have a strong hold on him during this stage, especially because he knows he is being so bad and rebellious.

You are like the Mom right now, he will keep touching base with you, just to make sure you are still keeping an eye on him.

You are going to have to learn that when he gets nasty or has a spew session, you will keep your mouth shut and not argue with him.

Let him have his say, validate, be kind yet firm.

Do not give him ultimatums, or set conditions on him.

You can still have boundaries, but these are for you, mainly to help keep your sanity.

My Husband's MLC was triggered by the death of his Father in 2002. He changed over night. I got the bomb in 2004. He came home in the Summer of 2007.


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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GG, my H's timeline is eerily similar to bnd's H. The difference is my H never totally left our home, and he still isn't back. We have no kids together.

I don't know why he stays, I don't know why he never finished leaving. I just know he is still on the fence and I can't get him pushed off on either side. I am not willing to be the one to drive a D.

Time and patience are your friends.


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Riding the trail less traveled.
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Wow, he even said to me, "Why do you think I didn't move far away from you?" ....when I asked why he only moved about a mile down the road.

I just know this will be a long, long road. He mentions that the OW is not the person he wants to spend his life with, he says he misses me and our life, but then what??

I could stand for a lot longer if I knew he didn't see her every day because she works and travels with him. She's been after him for years and once this MLC crap hit him, he caved...


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 802
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I wish I knew what triggered my husband's MLC??? But, then again, does it really matter? I just know he's in replay and has LOTS of work to do. Just a week ago he told our dogs he would be back in the house soon.

Wait...isn't it MY choice as to whether he comes back or not? Should I be saying "I love you' to him? I didn't say it back to him a week ago and that really shook him up. He's also saying the OW is "clingy" so I'm trying my best to give him distance and space and listen to what he's saying...


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
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No "I love you's."

As for what triggered it, has there been a death in the family, or any other devastating loss?

Sometimes there is no apparent trigger. They just go nuts.

Also, have you read any of Puppy Dog Tails' posts? He knows how to put his foot down with a cheating spouse.

Last edited by Kimmie Lee; 08/21/09 04:52 PM.
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So forget about the OW.....

Yes easier said then done, but try.

Yes it will be your choice as to whether or not he comes back.

You are the one in control of this situation, and once you realize the power you have, things will change in your head.

You are going to have to try and be his friend, NOT his wife or mother.

Don't do things to spite him or punish him.

Don't be vindictive.

Buy duct tape for your mouth and learn to bite your tongue.

As backwards as this is going to seem, he needs to learn how to trust you. Yes, he betrayed your trust......but MLC is a whole other kettle of fish.

Trust me on this one!!


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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He agreed to meet for a drink on Monday...I guess I just listen?? He said he hates to be in this limbo and knows I do too. I don't think either of us knows what to do at this point except sit back and wait for the answers to come from him...could be a LONG time. He is in IC and loves going, says it helps him. I asked about the heartfelt message he left me last Sunday saying he loved and missed me. He said he probably should not have left it, but that's how he was feeling at the time. Please...keep telling me how I have the power in this situation when I don't feel like that at all. How do I get him to trust me?


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 802
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Kimmie Lee,
I don't know how to get to puppy dog tails posts? I couldn't find yours either... Can't seem to figure that out.


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 9,678
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Quote:
Please...keep telling me how I have the power in this situation when I don't feel like that at all. How do I get him to trust me?


Ultimately it is you who can choose to wait this out or to proceed with a Divorce.

For me, I want to live my life without any regrets.

My "Stand" was based on several factors, one of them being that if I don't try then will I always wonder about all of the what if's????

Trust is not built in a day, it is over time.
When he can see that you are not the same person he ran away from.
That you no longer react to things.
That you can have a conversation with him about every day stuff.

Friendship takes time.

My Husband told me that he wanted us to learn how to play nicely in the sandbox together.

So, let's take the focus off of him now.

GG, what do you need to change about yourself?

What were some of his issues with you during the Marriage?


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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