Yep...I know. He keeps saying he's "confused." I think he's gonna be there a long time.

You are what you think = pretty cool chick (on my way at least)

I do wonder if hanging on to my H is really wrought out of fear of letting go, rather than love(whatever that is...)

Oh, and there`s the kid factor. I just can`t bear to break their hearts with S talk.

Is that reason enough to keep dbing?

Love this thread.

Love JTB`s post and glad you`re back J!

Go Golfgirl! So glad to see you doing so well!

MLC = MASS LOTSA CONFUSION

Nobody knows what is going on in the MLC mind.

BUT.. if you actually listen to their words and stop defending yourself, you may find that they can be rather insightful.

They will figure out their own problems without your help.

They do not need for you to point out their issues or for you to tell them that they have rewritten history.

For now, they do not need you at all, because they are fully grown degenerative teenagers who know everything.

Give them their space.

Lay off the guilt trips.

Don't drag your kids into it.

And for God's sake work on your own "stuff".

Brilliant post,BND!

Wish I`d read it a year ago! Just had to learn all that stuff the hard way!

I think it's very easy to fall into the trap of demonizing a spouse who suddenly violates everything you thought they believed in.

I think it's natural to try to cling to things that are precious to us.

I think it's normal to try to save something precious that seems to be slipping away.

And I know it's human nature to think that reason and logic should apply to most situations.


And that's why you hear people say that DB'ing, or even just effectively managing your marital crisis, is counter intuitive.


Don't expect to be able to fix a problem this complex the same way that you would fix a broken water heater.


For that matter, don't expect to be able to "fix" this problem at all.


Repeated so often that it risks being cliche, nevertheless completely and utterly true:

The only thing that YOU can change is YOU.


Pursuing, reasoning, teaching, pleading, correcting a wandering spouse is like trying to hunt deer by chasing them down in the woods by foot.


Leave them be.

Stop trying to figure out what they are doing or what they are thinking.

Stop trying to impose YOU on their lives.

Stop trying to help them remember what a wonderful marriage you had.

Stop being offended when they act like a single person.


Change YOU.

Forget about the relationship for just a little bit at least. Take a long, hard, honest look in the mirror and answer the question...

Have I become the person I always hoped I would be?


Your mission, during this time of rejection and being ignored is to begin becoming that person. Your job is to restore YOUR life, and the lives of those closest to you who are still under your care.


You do not have to plot or scheme or plan. You do not need a gameplan, because this is not a game.


Be yourself. And keep working on becoming a better "yourself."


I assure you that you will have opportunity to interact with your spouse at some point. And I assure you that what they SEE in you speaks far more loudly than any words you can offer. The extent to which you can not only survive, but THRIVE in their absence does in fact send a message that registers with them. There is little need for words.


Be honest, be fair, be open. Never feel the need to sugarcoat or overexaggerate to make an impression.


These are things that seem to be true to me. These are things I wish I had known when my own saga began.



Blessings,

Bill

so true bworl
the journey os for us
peace

For all you new kids on the block.

Print up Brand New Day's AND Bworl's post, and put them some place you can see them every day. For you wise ones who have forgotten the basics do the same thing.

Bill, : ) Good to 'see' you man!

So…

I got Michele’s Sex Starved Marriage and I read most of it. Needless to say…wait saying it is needless to say is not really true…hrnmm…it’s like saying ‘obviously’…well if it was obvious dorkmeister then you would only say it if you wanted to show a superior position…

I digress…

Needless to say = Amazing book.

Now the hard part…broaching the subject with my wife.
I go home with the book and there she is. I bring up the topic of how she liked “Keeping Love Alive.” CD’s (BIG THANKS TO JEANETTE!)

Yes, she liked them very much, why?

“Well…because Michele wrote another book…but I don’t want the title to put you off.”

I take the book out and give it to her and look away quickly.
After a few seconds of silence I turn around and she is suddenly right there kissing me.

Well the boys aren’t home yet, and I won’t bore you with the details…2 hours worth of mind blowing details.

We fall into blissful sleep afterwards.

Suddenly, I woken up by someone shaking me.

My oldest boy is asking me if I am alright?

What the heck? The back of my head hurts and I am still in the living room, with clothes on…that should not be the case.
Apparently, my wife clocked me with the book when I turned around.

So I am begging Michele to either change the name of this wonderful resource…make a soft cover version…or help me come up with a better plan to introduce this book to my lovely and quick tempered wife.

I'm not sensing much sympathy here...