Don't be too hard on yourself. You're only human after all. What's done is done. I agree with hhh, maybe it was a good thing - now he knows you won't tolerate his behavior.
As far as the letter goes I can not believe he denies writing it! Wow. That is unbelievable, actually astonishing.
Keep taking care of yourself and check in when you can so we know you're alright.
Take care.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Hey everyone. Sorry I wasn't able to check in, I was admitted to the hospital for observation and just got released this morning. I'm ok, just exhaustion , stress and relapsed a bit. I'm going to sleep for a couple of day sI think :P. A friend is staying with me for the rest of the week at least so i'm not here alone.
No msgs from my husband since I went off on him. I have mixed feelings about that. He has been checking my profile every few hours tho. NOt just a couple of times a day, SEVERAL. No idea whats up with that. Makes no sense to me. Of course I hadn't been online. I have no intention of letting him know why or how I am. I don't think he cares anyway.
As far as the letter goes, I'm a bit floored by his denial myslef. Several of my friends put some rather scathing comments about him on my profile so im sure he has seen them and knows that nobody here at home is believing his nonsense. I considered taking them off, but whatever. He's already seen them so let them stay.
The last comment I made on sunday was that I wont tolerate liars in my life. Its true so I posted it. Let him think about that for a few weeks. I figure if he's lying to me he's probably lying to her too. What a mess he's making. Right now tho, I'm just going to concentrate on getting better. I am calling a counselor tomorrow to make an appt. My dr highly recommended that I should go. I agree.
I hope all of you are doing well. I am too exhausted to read up on anyone right now, but when I'm feeling better I will look in.
Just checking in to see how you're doing. I'm so sorry to hear about the affair.
I hope you are keeping your file updated - print a copy of the screen where he's kissing OW, if you have emails or IMs where he admitted the affair, etc., - print them out and add them to your file. If this does proceed to divorce, you will need them.
Hang in there. You can do it.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Hello everyone. I thought I would check in and give an update. Wow. Im feeling MUCh better after some rest.
Had some drama come up last night, not too bad but ended up talking to my husband for almost an hour. After his initial screaming at me. (still not sure why) we talked about insurance issues and my medical stuff and how we were going to handle all that. He then brought up his girlfriend. He even told me her name, and SHE is long distance as well altho she is only a days drive away. He said she is good to him and that we were in the past and that he still cared for me but it was over. I stayed VERY calm. (go me for DBing) and tried to change the subject. He said no less then 4 times that he was sorry for how he did things but we were in the past, he still cared for me and thought of me once in a while, but it was over and he wanted to be friends. ( i truly wanted to choke him but stayed calm) I tried to change the subject again, and AGAIN he mentioned we were in the past and he would always care for me and wanted to stay friends. He said she made him happy. (grrr) and that I should find someone that I can see on a regular basis that makes me happy. I told him that I wasn't that kind of girl and that I was MARRIED to him. He said he was sorry but it was in the past and he felt bad about how he handled it and one day he would tlak to me about it when I wouldnt rip his head off. he also said when he thought of me it made him smile, but everytime he mentioned this kind of thing, he would say , it's in the past. I did NOT mention that it was going on now , nor did I get upset ( i was so proud of myself) I tried to stay off talking about us and HER but he mentioned it so many times. He finally tried to end the call then said he was leaving this morning to go see her. ( i died) I told him to have a safe trip (dying inside mind you) and he said thank you, i will. end of conversation.
So while i know i shouldnt have let him keep bringiung us an dher up, he just insisted on it. No matter how many times i tried to change the subject. Any thoughts? What is he doing? Was he tryiong to make me jealous? I didn't act jealous, i promise, i was sooo calm. but it was sooo hard. I wanted to choke him, honestly.
Im still hurting over all this, but Im also trying to get better and NOT think about it all. Oh yea, he said he would chat with me mon when he got back. I didnt answer him. Should I? Gonna be a long weekend knowing he is with her./ Why did he feel the need to tell me???? I didnt need to know that.
Ok, I have an appt to see a counselor tuesday. Was the soonest I could go, with all my testing and other appts .
IMO - I think by H telling you he is going to see OW he is trying to push you away and convince you it is over. He may also want a reaction out of you. It sounds like you handled it extremely well. Do not play his games.
All the times he said to you that your R is in the past....makes me wonder is he trying to convince you of that or himself?
Glad you are feeling better. Hang in there and keep us posted.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
hey ashlee, thanks for checking on me, nice to know someone cares.
Yes, I think counseling is going to help me a lot. Not just with this situation with my husband but also the medical and physical problems Im having right now. Im always so tired and hurting, physically and emotionally.
I really tried not to react at all when he mentioned the gf. I'm having some issues tonight dealing with the knowledge that he's right now with her. Hurts so much that I havent seen him in 10 months and she is with him.
As for him trying to convince me its over or himself. I didn't think of that. He said it REPEATEDLY. I can hope I guess.
One thing I did forget to mention is that we talked about a couple of songs that I had written and was working on, he asked what they were about and I told him what I had been going thru the past month and offered to let him read the lyrics or send him a file. He said that he knows they are probably good but he couldnt handle reading or hearing them, that he felt bad enough for what had happened and couldnt handle it. I just said "ok". Thats the first time he hasnt wanted to listen to my music, altho he's right. One of them made a couple of my friends cry.
So , while I am feeling better, a little anyway, some times its worse than other times. I have to just go day to day . Every morning I wake up hoping he has come to his senses, but of course he hasnt. I dont know how all of you do it for months on end. Im only a little over a month into this and feel like Im losing it sometimes. I just want my husband back and to work all this out somehow.
Thank guys, Dusk
Oh yes, one other thing, we did decide to make my insurance I have primary and his secondary. He is going to keep me on his insurance for now. He didn't really go into anything else tho. Wanted to know what the Dr's said and how badly I had relasped. At least he asked about me tho and seemed to care. He sounded sincere anyway. Even a touch worried. Made me feel better at the time at least.
I didn't sleep well last night. I was so upset and crying knowing he was with her and still is. I got another msg on my profile from him that I missed from a couple of nights ago telling me that he didnt cheat on me up until her and was honest the whole way until he got together with her. I have it in writing. She is on his profile now. Killed me. I want to copy and paste what he wrote to her. She doesnt even KNOW that we are married! She thinks i was just a gf??????? Even if that was the case he is still a lying cheater.
Im not sure how to handle this. SHould I send her the msg he sent me? I really want to. I dont know if it will break them up or not, but at least she will know the truth too. and yes, im thinking if she dumps him, then maybe it will help. Maybe Im being childish. I dunno. Anyone dealt with this before? having proof like this ? Did you send it to the gf? Left it alone? And why in either case? Does it help? makes things worse? God Im so torn up inside. Maybe Im feeling a little vindictive as well. I know I shouldnt but....god he's such a jerk, then telling me he still cares??? How do you care for someone and do that?
Anyone that can answer I appreciate it. Im stuck here for several hours and have tried to stay away from this situation and am really struggling.
Dusk, Keep posting or keep writing out your feelings but don't take any actions. Nothing good will come out of a gut reaction. Think things through and use your intellect not your emotions.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
Got yet another msg from him.. I am not answering. This is what he is saying...
"I was VERY happy with you and didnt want anyone else and then things got complicated at the end and I just bailed basically (still sorry about it for not atleast saying something) but up until xxxxxxxx, I hadnt cheated on you at all."
I'm not really sure where this one came from. I havent contacted him or said anything else about his cheating, i didnt bring it up. He did. So, more confusion? I didn;t let this one get to me, mostly because it came out of nowhere and It's more confusing to me than anything.
I did get some sleep today so that helps too. Still considering sending that msg to her, but c-bart says not to take any actions, Ty for responding C, So i'm not doing anything for now. I did print out the msgs he has sent so far tho. They are pretty damning, He is admitting he is cheating and giving the girls name. Guess it goes in the file huh.
I'll check back later on, a friend of mine brought chinese takeout and Im gonnna eat.
Thanks again guys. Mostly im venting , but every response I get makes a difference for me. Im just so lost right now.
One piece of advice I received on the board was not to react/act immediately. Wait 48 hours and see if you still feel the same way. I've gotta admit, it kept me from doing a few stupid things.
IMO - I don't know if contacting OW is a good idea. I understand your point - what if she doesn't know he's married and ends it. But you need to think about what other outcomes might happen. Maybe she doesn't know but when she approaches your H with the info, he gives her a nice story...like you've been separated for months or it's been over but your still married because you need his insurance...etc... The number of stories he could feed her are endless. Just think long and hard before you do anything.
Also, don't give her too much credit. Not everyone has the same morals and beliefs...although personally I would never date a married man, not everyone feels that way. The OW in my sitch is married. My S wrote her an e-mail calling her a bi!ch and telling her she is destroying our family. You'd think most people would stop the affair knowing what's it doing to a child. Nope...not her. Ticks me off every time I think about it.
I know this is living he11 and I am so sorry you are experiencing it. You are definitely not alone, as you can see from the amount of people on this board. Just hang in there. Have you seen a C yet?
One more thing...I don't know what your religious beliefs are but I found my way back to Church and to God after this began. It made all the difference in the world. It helped me control the anger and vengeance I felt (especially toward OW).
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
