Dreams of a New Normal...

[aliveandkicking]

I face the same reality, he wants back, and he is more serious about it, but weirdly, during our convos, the kids are not mentioned as much and to be honest, I try to keep them out of my mind. It still sucks...

Yes, when it comes down to it, the kids are not enough to make the M work...and, as much as I wouldn't be able to tolerate a cr*ppy marriage for my kids "benefit," I understand that H has the right to refuse that too. That is what defuses my resentment. If he can't do it with feeling, then he doesn't serve anyone by coming back...

[aliveandkicking]

I'm alright.

I am going to a show tonight with a guy friend. I suspect he is interested in more than friends but, really, as much as I look and flirt and want to put myself out there, my heart is not really in it. I'll still have a good time, just don't want to get to that awkward moment.

Yeah, but why get ahead of yourself? Have fun and go with what feels right.

It already doesn't feel quite "right". But I'm doing going anyway...

[Kalni]

Yes, when it comes down to it, the kids are not enough to make the M work...and, as much as I wouldn't be able to tolerate a cr*ppy marriage for my kids "benefit," I understand that H has the right to refuse that too. That is what defuses my resentment. If he can't do it with feeling, then he doesn't serve anyone by coming back...

My thoughts exactly. For me and him. And after a year of crap, I cant tell you that is true. No use if your heart isnt in it. My kids are worse than how they were last year...
K

[RedSoxFan]

It already doesn't feel quite "right". But I'm doing going anyway...

If I had a dollar for every time I ended up enjoying something that I started out feeling wrong about....

[aliveandkicking]

Well, that was fun. A great show at an outdoor venue...no pressure at all from my "date." I think he is actually observant enough to recognize that I'm a world of hurt to get involved with right now. Meaning, great time, great long honest conversation and no kiss...which is sooo good because I was really hoping to avoid that.

H texted that he felt sad that I "couldn't experience this with the boys too"...(they were at a religious event)...I said "Yes. It is sad. Please give them a kiss for me). And then he proceeded to email me photos.

What are we doing here???

What the heck kind of separation is this?

We miss each other. Our kids miss having their family together. What the heck? Is there a super fabulous brilliant MC who can help us here? (SP I hope you'll let me know if you think you've struck such gold)...

I had fun tonight but no way am I ready to move on with another guy. Dating, okay but weird. I mean I don't have a clue how to be fully present with another man while my H and kids are being a family without me. No biggie. I have gotten enough attention to assure myself that I wont be alone forever without H, I don't need to pursue it now.

Tonight, at this show, before it started, what song do they play with lyrics on the screens to sing along? "I will Survive"...boy did I have fun with that.

And I will. I am aching a bit for the reconciliation that seems within reach but recognizing the overwhelming likelihood that it wont happen, I know I will be alright. I just need some hand holding here as I get closer each day to my "new normal"...

[RedSoxFan]

Well, that was fun. A great show at an outdoor venue...no pressure at all from my "date." I think he is actually observant enough to recognize that I'm a world of hurt to get involved with right now. Meaning, great time, great long honest conversation and no kiss...which is sooo good because I was really hoping to avoid that.

Perfect. Now how do you do this next time without worrying about it at all. Just go with it, relax, have fun??

H texted that he felt sad that I "couldn't experience this with the boys too"...(they were at a religious event)...I said "Yes. It is sad. Please give them a kiss for me). And then he proceeded to email me photos.

What are we doing here???

What the heck kind of separation is this?

We miss each other. Our kids miss having their family together. What the heck? Is there a super fabulous brilliant MC who can help us here? (SP I hope you'll let me know if you think you've struck such gold)...

I had fun tonight but no way am I ready to move on with another guy. Dating, okay but weird. I mean I don't have a clue how to be fully present with another man while my H and kids are being a family without me. No biggie. I have gotten enough attention to assure myself that I wont be alone forever without H, I don't need to pursue it now.

Tonight, at this show, before it started, what song do they play with lyrics on the screens to sing along? "I will Survive"...boy did I have fun with that.

And I will. I am aching a bit for the reconciliation that seems within reach but recognizing the overwhelming likelihood that it wont happen, I know I will be alright. I just need some hand holding here as I get closer each day to my "new normal"...

So I thought I was the one on the extremes with the all or nothing perspective. There is a middle path here A&K. Reconciliation does seem like a very real possibility and something to be cautiously optimistic about right now. I think the challenge is to resist the temptation.

Fishing metaphor (learned this from the Red Sox Manager):

He's nibbling on the bait. If you try to set the hook now you might miss and he's gone for good or you might hook him but not well enough to get him all the way in and in the boat.

Only you can know whats right but from where I sit, I want him to have the religious experience I had when I really finally understood what was important and what my priorities were. If you meet him halfway at the early stages of guilt and sadness he may never get there. He won't have to. I know it means harder work for you in the interim But you have the DBizon Network behind you [visual: Verizon commercial with DBing masses standing by to support you ;-)]

* Schmo disclaimer applies

[aliveandkicking]

I agree RSF. Problem is, damage is being done. My own clock is ticking. My boys are going to be devastated when we move without daddy. As I immerse myself in my own life and managing the affects of all of this on my kids, I see the space for H in my life diminishing greatly. Granted, I never thought I would speak to him again after seeing the boys in tears when he left many months ago, so who knows what I am capable of forgiving? But, as you know, there is possibly a point of no (or highly problematic) return. My kids' hearts are in the middle here.

And that is perhaps a factor overlooked in your sitch too. At some point, we aren't just seeking closure and emotionally predictability for ourselves but for our children too...

[JayMan]

I am with you AaK - I have suspended my life for roughly 3 years watching WAW waffle back and forth, even after starting an A.

Time does heal all wounds, or so I thought. My amazing D9 has fiercely supported her mother, even supporting her affair "I want Mommy to be happy." Then, out of the blue last week, she said, "I wish Mommy wasn't dating. OM has ruined everything. Why do we have to do divorce? I just want everything back."

I was flabbergasted. What do you say to something like that?

I have been doing great emotionally - kids and I have been loving life, and then this!

Not much help, I know, but I can empathize.

I say keep moving forward, and don't stop. If you are going to truly and legitimately reconcile, it'll happen regardless where you are.

[RedSoxFan]

I agree RSF. Problem is, damage is being done. My own clock is ticking. My boys are going to be devastated when we move without daddy. As I immerse myself in my own life and managing the affects of all of this on my kids, I see the space for H in my life diminishing greatly. Granted, I never thought I would speak to him again after seeing the boys in tears when he left many months ago, so who knows what I am capable of forgiving? But, as you know, there is possibly a point of no (or highly problematic) return. My kids' hearts are in the middle here.

And that is perhaps a factor overlooked in your sitch too. At some point, we aren't just seeking closure and emotionally predictability for ourselves but for our children too..

So what are you coaching me to do and why? You are essentially coaching your husband. If we truly believe there is hope, what does it look like and how do we leave room for it while still taking care of ourselves and our children??

[aliveandkicking]

So what are you coaching me to do and why? You are essentially coaching your husband.

It is not really me coaching my husband cuz I don't have OM like your W. Let them fizzle out and then I can coach you.

If we truly believe there is hope, what does it look like and how do we leave room for it while still taking care of ourselves and our children??

We do the best we can.