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#1845356 - 09/26/09 04:11 PM Re: Gianter Balls! [Re: aliveandkicking]
Coach Offline
Member

Registered: 07/18/08
Posts: 5299
Quote:
I didn't even have alcohol to blame my behavior on! But, I get it, all the sweet talking worked...what can I say...even a broken clock gets the time right twice a day as they say...score 1 for H...


My POV. You want this marriage to work. Your husband gave you something you have needed in your marriage for a long time - he gave you some financial security. As soon as he told you that he would give you the support money you asked for you backslid. Make him work, show you and provide, before you give him the milk. A drowning person grasps at straws, a strong confident woman swims.
Cheers
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M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

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#1845366 - 09/26/09 04:36 PM Re: Gianter Balls! [Re: Coach]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
I agree Coach. And, as my friend pointed out to me, he's been chipping away at me. She could see it coming...because I had said I wanted him to ask me out and he was asking me out over and over. He said words that implied that he was closer to where I would want him if I was going to have any kind of relationship which would be starting anew and honest. He was saying that he just wanted me there with him and posting pictures of the family and his vibe had changed. But, the sad reality is that our sex life was so jacked up in the M and there was so much damage done, while I have worked so hard and made so many changes that would lead to me experiencing it differently, in the 10 months since he left, he has done nothing that would keep his demons at bay. He hasn't changed. So, to have an intimate experience (despite the fact that I think, "he's a guy, he'll dig this") in reality, he is a child emotionally and he can't handle the intimacy.

So, back to reality. Yes, the money thing gave me a sense of relief mostly because I can start my own process. And, I know full well that he may drop the ball but it is a start. I think it was a factor but not the factor in my caving in. I think I caved because he gave me what I've said I wanted...a lot of attention, a lot of invitations and a very simple honest profession of his desire to be with me. That was huge because up until then, he's tried to be so cool and aloof about his invitations.

Anyway, I am pulling it together. I hate that the old feelings of wanting our family together are bombarding me (especially in my dreams)...but I'm functioning with the brutal reality.
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#1845419 - 09/26/09 06:09 PM Re: Gianter Balls! [Re: aliveandkicking]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Not shockingly, getting a slightly colder shoulder from H.

Only thing worse than no sex for an already deceased relationship is bad, weird sex.
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#1845486 - 09/26/09 09:25 PM Re: Gianter Balls! [Re: aliveandkicking]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
I feel like total sh*t today...
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#1845648 - 09/27/09 05:36 AM Re: Gianter Balls! [Re: aliveandkicking]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Feeling better. Just because I must. smirk

Tonight spent some time alone with S9, I was in a pretty great mood somehow. Perhaps just grateful for some alone time with him. He was a wreck. Wouldn't use the men's room alone in the book store we were at...literally cried. After, we were talking and I asked him what is really going on with him and he told me that he thought he was okay with only seeing daddy sometimes but he's not. That he wants daddy to live with us...aaargh. My poor sweet boy. I tried to work through it with him. And I pointed out that it is great that he is able to connect what is happening inside him with his feelings, that can take a long time for some people. And, I did encourage him to talk to his dad. He is lucky enough to have a dad who will listen and is available to him. I didn't want to pressure him but I did encourage him to talk to him IF he feels comfortable doing so.

Reading Thinker's thread, I really relate to these opposing feelings...I want my family together but H is no longer my leading man. So, as S9 whimpered about wanting his dad back, I wondered what the heck would I do if somehow H wanted back, would I be the one breaking my kids' hearts? I know, I am no where near that point but then again, it is coming very close and H is texting and emailing again and I wonder if knowing that I am looking for a new place for just me and the boys isn't weighing on him.

He texted me from dinner with a mutual friend that said friend and his wife have "already filed" and how weird it is. To be a fly on that wall. Male friend has a WAW and he has lost 18 lbs (already a thin guy) and bought her a $20,000 piece of jewelry and has been grasping to save the marriage (of course MC sealed the deal mad)...so, what was their conversation like? This is a guy who used to subtly come on to me and looked like he wished he had me for a wife. Is he commiserating with H? Or is he telling H he's a flippin' moron and if he had a wife like me who was this loyal and this hot ( grin), he'd be all over it?

Who knows? Time will tell. All I've got is this steel armor around my heart and the mantra that I am "already divorced" but I can feel the dam cracking and wont be surprised by the rushing emotional tide if this goes all the way to D.

My kids are going to be heartbroken. I am ready. I'll feel it but, I can handle it.
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#1845772 - 09/27/09 06:53 PM Re: Gianter Balls! [Re: aliveandkicking]
RedSoxFan Offline
Member

Registered: 08/15/09
Posts: 573
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
I want my family together but H is no longer my leading man. So, as S9 whimpered about wanting his dad back, I wondered what the heck would I do if somehow H wanted back, would I be the one breaking my kids' hearts?

Wow! that is really heavy! I know you have done and will continue to do everything you can. You will look back on this time with pride no matter the outcome. Doesn't make it any easier now though frown
_________________________
AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread

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#1845779 - 09/27/09 07:06 PM Re: Gianter Balls! [Re: RedSoxFan]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
I'm alright.

I am going to a show tonight with a guy friend. I suspect he is interested in more than friends but, really, as much as I look and flirt and want to put myself out there, my heart is not really in it. I'll still have a good time, just don't want to get to that awkward moment.
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#1845783 - 09/27/09 07:13 PM Re: Gianter Balls! [Re: RedSoxFan]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10261
Originally Posted By: RedSoxFan
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
I want my family together but H is no longer my leading man. So, as S9 whimpered about wanting his dad back, I wondered what the heck would I do if somehow H wanted back, would I be the one breaking my kids' hearts?

Wow! that is really heavy! I know you have done and will continue to do everything you can. You will look back on this time with pride no matter the outcome. Doesn't make it any easier now though frown


Last year I gave stxH a chance that he asked for and I was in that position. I felt I couldnt do this to my kids. Again, a year later, I face the same reality, he wants back, and he is more serious about it, but weirdly, during our convos, the kids are not mentioned as much and to be honest, I try to keep them out of my mind. It still sucks...
K
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Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1845786 - 09/27/09 07:15 PM Re: Gianter Balls! [Re: aliveandkicking]
RedSoxFan Offline
Member

Registered: 08/15/09
Posts: 573
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
I'm alright.

I am going to a show tonight with a guy friend. I suspect he is interested in more than friends but, really, as much as I look and flirt and want to put myself out there, my heart is not really in it. I'll still have a good time, just don't want to get to that awkward moment.

Yeah, but why get ahead of yourself? Have fun and go with what feels right.
_________________________
AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread

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#1845789 - 09/27/09 07:19 PM Re: Gianter Balls! [Re: Kalni]
RedSoxFan Offline
Member

Registered: 08/15/09
Posts: 573
Originally Posted By: Kalni
Last year I gave stxH a chance that he asked for and I was in that position. I felt I couldnt do this to my kids. Again, a year later, I face the same reality, he wants back, and he is more serious about it, but weirdly, during our convos, the kids are not mentioned as much and to be honest, I try to keep them out of my mind. It still sucks...

It's mind-blowing how much burden and pressure falls on the LBS. I'm sorry you're both going through it. frown It helps me though because I can understand a little better what my W has gone through since I tried to reconcile. Not much I can do but it helps to understand. I would have had no idea about so much of this if I hadn't found this forum.
_________________________
AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread

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