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Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
The correct thing to do is......

NOTHING. Do not respond...

It is much more effective to make them wonder what is going on than any words can say....



Dude, at this point, I'd pay you to run this thing for me!!! Except I'm broke.



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Also, when I don't respond, he provokes me with "oh, so you don't answer my calls, funny," and/or he'll reel me in with something kid related or "important".

I think that the impression that I am "angry" really disturbs me because it seems like such an easy out for him...me, predictably angry because I am just that person not that I am angry for a f*cking valid reason.

Anyway, putting aside what he thinks or feels, I am mostly concerned with getting my life together and working out some kind of arrangement with him, getting some work and moving to a cheaper place. Right now, I dance with him a little because I don't want him cutting me off...yuck. But, once I am situated, I can be a bit truer to my own desires (like getting him off my facebook page!!!)...



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Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
The correct thing to do is......

NOTHING. Do not respond...

It is much more effective to make them wonder what is going on than any words can say....



Ha, you are so right. The more I look back. But, it effectively makes him nuts and he starts acting like an idiot...for example when I went away and he was texting me about the guy I was with (I wasn't with one)...

I know it gets to him but then what? How do I handle his acting out (which he eventually drags the kids into by doing things with them that he knows I don't want him to, asking me if it is ok if he does those things, brings up other women he's interested in etc).

waaa, I wish you could do this for me. LOL.



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Set a boundary. Tell him you only want to discuss kids and money right now. Everthing else is wasting time and energy you need for yourself. You enforce the boundary by only responding to communication about the kids or money.

Document his behavior. If he is acting reckless with the kids then document the pattern.


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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Ya, I'm not sure if showing them innapropriate movies or suggesting he might intorduce them to someone he is involved with constitutes recklessness. It is really just juvenile. But, ya, I'll document it.



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and maybe if you feel comfortable with that paragraph, use it as a frame of reference for boundary setting in the future as in, "THIS is what IS real and true and this is what I am willing to act like in front of the kids (civil and respectful that he's their father and your co-parent) and nothing else...." tired

Then get your PMA on and groove to the move in your life and the progress and all that jazz.... cool and if you have to, fake it til you make it. There's some truth in there.

talk to you after my weekend.
j-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Quote:
I know it gets to him but then what? How do I handle his acting out (which he eventually drags the kids into by doing things with them that he knows I don't want him to, asking me if it is ok if he does those things, brings up other women he's interested in etc).

waaa, I wish you could do this for me. LOL.


Funny. I wish I could too.

You have to handle him like you would a little child. Children do the same types of things (especially little boys) to get your attention mommy.

The CORRECT answer is agree WITH his views. (he will then want to take the opposit view of that too.


Just HAPPILY agree with what he wants to do with the kids. He will do what he wants to anyway, so disagreeing with him is only feeding his ego. Learn to agree... "I don't care if that is what you want to do with them this weekend. Sounds good to me. Have fun. Anyway, I was just walking out the door. Talk to you later. ta ta."

Regarding other women comments.. "Good for you. She can have you. Hey, I am on the other line and need to go. Talk to you later. ta ta."

And then of course, you need to bring some of your own social interaction into the picture. It is only when you bring your own social interaction into the picture that things will move in YOUR direction. What he does to you will be the very things that drive HIM crazy. No doubt about it.

Other than that. Ignore him. Do not respond. Don't even read his emails. Let him call you 3 or 4 times without returning calls or answering the phone. Let him wonder why he can't get to you anymore. Why you are SO happy to GET OFF the phone. Why you are so busy without him. Why you don't care what he says he is going to do with the kids. Why he can't push your buttons......


Come on. Get on the program. Talkng to him will be a wste of time. Nothing gets accomplished by trying to be the better arguer. Learn to agree happily and stay busy in his eyes.

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Actually Gucci, I'm doing pretty good with all that. I usually don't comment on the kid stuff. Only time I really lost it was when he had the kids out so late that S6 was a raving miserable lunatic with me and I let H know that if he is going to keep him out that late he will have to keep him the next day because I can't handle him in that state. But after that convo, I realized that I am just going to have to deal with what I get.

The problem with communication is that we are dealing with so many logistics and money issues right now and that is a perpetual minefield.

I have handled the other woman thing really well. I have made peace with it.

I do want to say that right now thriving without him is my MO. How the hell I could ever trust him or be reconciled with him eludes me. So, my actions need to lead to more sanity and stability for me and my kids and if I have the upper hand with him, great, I can decide at that point but really, I've lost all respect for him at this point.

I want to get your input on a couple specific things. But I have to run.

Thank you!!!!!



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a/k,

You are really in a better place than before. You are making SO MUCH progress. I wish you'd somehow become contagious so that others who are stuck could catch your backbone-ishness...
I can't wait to see your life in 18 months (OR LESS)....seriously. I know you wish you could fast forward thru this, but that's not how it goes. But you ARE getting where you need to be. And it seems you are picking up steam. Good.

Stay strong. We are all rooting for you!
J-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Thanks 25. Seriously, you had a lot to do with it...after you stopped posting, I kind of got down on myself and was a bit unnerved by my attachment to this board and all of the obsessing and spinning and time expenditure here. It freaked me out that I was so reliant on it. At that same time, my depression was really kicking in and I tell you, I was rock bottom with fantasies of suicide (not saying I would ever do it, just thought about it a lot). So, I relate to others who can't let go. If you've predetermined that you would sooner die than get divorced, you are more than a tad screwed when your spouse decides that's what's happening. smirk

But, I needed to go there to get to another place.

I got away for a weekend and sort of found myself...felt myself as MY SELF, separate and apart from H and the kids (been a long time coming)...someday over coffee I can tell you about my excursion, was too profound and personal to post on here.

Anyway, I believe that there is no real getting through to someone. You can plant seeds but until they are intrinsically motivated, they wont change, can't really change...it is the nature of our wiring, something has to click. I had feelings and experiences while I was away that I forgot I was capable of having. How do you impart that to someone??? You just can't and for many, only at bottom is there hope for real catharsis.

I am getting better. My pace has been frustrating for many IRL...why am I not divorcing him yet? Why don't I have a job yet? Why...but I am taking actions every day that are leading to small changes which are building up to bigger changes. The prospect of allowing my life to be puppeteered, by my parents or my H or my friends, just doesn't fly with me. I have to find my groove.

Everyday I am learning so much.

Slow and steady...I know that fast-forwarding is not an option.

I'm on FB...would love to connect IRL.



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