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"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
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I've copied this post over from my previous thread to make reading and responding a little easier.

___

Hi OrangeDog:
I saw your post on SmileysPerson's thread and thought I would come over to your thread and learn more about what you've been going through and sharing...

I'm glad you've got Coach here already - he's got the kind of calm perspective a lot of us need when we're hit with the worst of our own emotions...

I hope you don't mind, but I thought I would copy and past what you wrote on SP's thread:


Quote:
My W is one of those people who was always right. I was always wrong and never good enough. I've spent the past three years trying to dig myself out of depression only to get hit with the bomb (she admitted she was waiting till I could handle it). I'm probably stronger now then I've been in the past years but I don't think she was healthy for me. I'm sorry I don';t have a point here but maybe I should'nt work on it. Maybe I should find someone who better works with me. Comments?


So...reading what you wrote above and taking it with what you wrote in your post about her making you feel like you were always wrong and never good enough...my inclination would be to look for what, in your/your past/your family of origin, conditioned you for this type of relationship. It's not that I think there's much use to digging into the past - I'm much too sold on solution-based therapy for that - but I do think that something about our past contributes to the patterns we repeat into the present - particularly if we find ourselves with a partner that seems to use our most sensitive vulnerabilities against us...

BUT....here's a big thing that jumped out at me...you wrote..."maybe I should find someone who works better with me" - and that sent me spinning...primarily because I have come to agree whole-heartedly with the idea that we can never be in a happy relationship - and cannot make another person happy - until we are complete in ourselves. In other words, and I know this is bordering on truisms, we can't expect to have a fulfilling relationship if we feel incomplete - it just doesn't happen. I once said it here before...that line, "you complete me" must be one of the worst things ever said in film...it's such a horrible fiction - and such a wrong way to think about love (and marriage).

I never would have said this just a year ago, but I am now convinced that we can never be happy with another person until we are able to be wholly at ease with ourselves...not that we don't need other people - the very design of our bodies suggests a predisposition for more than a casual interaction - and a need for physical contact - but we have to be able to enjoy the moments we have to ourselves when on our own, so that when we find another person, we do not burden them with our expectations - or with any of the responsibility for making us happy. It just does not work to put our happiness into the hands of another person - but when we are fulfilled on our own, we get to enjoy the tremendous kind of happiness that comes from giving - true giving - without wanting/needing anything in return. It's astonishing how powerful that form of love feels...but for some of us...like me...it took annihilating what had brought me to my point of crisis...and that was the strange opportunity presented to me by my STBX's dropping of that bomb...

-Carlos...

___


"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
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Carlos - excellent post. I will begin thinking more about these items more and get some responses.

I do realize that M is not meant to complete our happiness. I think near the end of the R, I was relying to heavily on her. Despite my rant on Smiley's thread last night and my feelings of loneliness, I would like to be alone for a while and fix O'Dog. I'd like to really find what works in me.

I asked the question "Maybe I should find someone who works better with me" but maybe what I should have said is "Why am I fighting so hard for this?" There was something unhealthy in the R. It brought me down and made her angry.

I'm not going to concern myself with R whatsoever (as I shouldn't have done in the first place). As seen in the previous posts, she's still full-speed ahead on the D and I still have work to do. My purpose for DB just to work on O'Dog.


"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
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I need help working through my anger.

I have a bunch of activities planned this weekend, Tour de France starts this weekend, I have Zen on Sunday, and an appt with Psy on Monday.

What else? Suggestions?


"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
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My T recommended a great book to me when I first went to see him - and we still thought we were going to work on my anger issues...Freeing the Angry Mind by C. Peter Bankart...excellent book....

-c.


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Originally Posted By: orangedog
I need help working through my anger.

I have a bunch of activities planned this weekend, Tour de France starts this weekend, I have Zen on Sunday, and an appt with Psy on Monday.

What else? Suggestions?


The antidote for anger is compassion...sustained compassion. Not self-sacrificing compassion...but simple, everyday, basic compassion for yourself and others. Be compassionate towards yourself and others. Realize that when you're angry, you're really hurt anxious, or uncomfortable...and so are others'. Care when you, or others, are hurt, anxious, or uncomfortable. Try hard to heal your hurt, regulate your anxiety, and improve your discomfort...and support others' efforts to do the same. Treat yourself, and others', with value and respect...even when you disagree with them or their behavior. Always appreciate the assets and qualities that you and others' bring to your relationships. Don't criticize or ignore yourself or others'. Don't talk over other people. Don't try to control, manipulate, coerce, threaten or intimidate others'...or try to make them feel bad. Work hard to discover and correct flaws in your behavior. Try to understand others' perspectives and sympathasize with their feelings...even if you disagree with them. Be true to your deepest values, and be the best person you can be. Keep your committment to be compassionate.

I was one who had real problems with anger, resentment, and verbal abuse...and I've learned that compassion is the antidote for these. I don't believe that I would have been able to stop these behaviors had I not made a successful committment to become more compassionate. It works.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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Thanks HealthyDad and Antlers.


"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
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I feel bad right now.

I feel like my previous Friendiness was partially based on hope. I know I wasn't supposed to have it but it was there. The baby steps lead me to think something in the R was changing but in the end it was still the same - she's still full speed ahead on D but wants me to still be in her life as her friend.

Now I feel like the best thing for me is just to get away from her. I don't want to be friends right now and I don't want her influence in my life. Maybe sometime but not right now. I need to work on me.

I feel a little two-faced in the fact that I could be friends then but now it's difficult. That I was partially doing it just in my best interest?...ouch.

I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense. It's a difficult emotional mix and hard to explain. I'm just saying with the realization and affirmation comes another difficult side.

I've got a lot of strong emotions right now. This week has been probably the third hardest (bomb, move out, then this).


"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
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Let's just say my faith/belief system is being tested and I don't like it.


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Odog--

Hope is fine--we should all have something to hope for in life. In reality, though, you had expectations that your frendiness would effect change and when it did not work the way you expected it to, you were disappointed. Have hope, not expectations. There is a difference and it falls under Coach's infamous Stockdale Paradox quote.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW


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Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:7



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