UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Dudess]

I told him that if he didn't want to meet, then fine and where would he like me to have his mail sent. I'm getting SO fed up of all this game playing.

I'm not sure I understand the mail comment. Are you telling him that if he doesn't want to meet with you in person that you will have his mail sent elsewhere?

I think that it's about time for a very serious letter from me to H.

What would be the objective of that letter?

Just responded to his negative email - was polite but business-like and maybe just a tad mysterious.

I think the suggestion to be mysterious is about your personal life, not financial matters of joint concern.

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi Dudess
Thanks for your feedback.

My comments are a bit out of whack, reading them back! I was angry and tired last night. Basically, I said to him that if he didn't want to meet in person that was fine. I offered to speak with him by phone. I know that he is expecting a letter that is here and, as he has more mail too and has not collected any of it, I was simply offering to forward it to him. It was not a punitive statement!

The objective of the letter would be to outline where I am sitting in all of this. I am in limbo land whilst he is in bimbo land and I have been left high and dry with no resources, no warning and now facing the reality and burden of sailing the ocean that we chose together, whilst he has abandoned ship.

I can't go on living this way and he has to stop treating me like the enemy - I have done nothing to warrant it and I feel that, if he wants a new life, he should deal with the old one first. He's just basically walked away - but will be holding his hand out the minute - if and when the house is sold.

I was being mysterious about me, not the finances Dudess!! I was business-like about everything and then added that I needed him to make a decision on our meeting or not as I too had things to organise over the weekend!

[goodattitudegirl]

Nell,

Just popped over to your thread to say thanks for updating me on Oz's sitch. I haven't had a chance to familiarize myself with your sitch yet, but have seen your very wise comments all over the board. You even have secret messages in your posts sometimes, don't you?

Best,

GAG

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi GAG! Ha, I've been busted!! Yeah, just Rabbit and I 'bonding', I guess!

Thanks for your kind feedback about my comments on the board - when I am calm and feeling strong, I can help others. Mostly I am a blethering wreck and need the help myself ... like this evening.

Mid-morning, H sent me a text to say that he was arranging the house valuers to come out week after next and wants to know when I will be at home for this to occur. Wrong - if he wants them here, he takes care of it. I am not helping him to achieve this goal. I can't stop him but I don't have to help. His timing was perfect ... all engineered to upset my day. Text ignored, by the way.

Then I come home from work to an email ... he 'proposes' to be here at Sunday lunch time to remove more furniture and personal belongings from the home. Says that he can do it when I am out, if I would prefer. Evidently he overlooked the part where we are supposed to be discussing finances but he's evidently being driven by yet another alien force to make him step up the negative action.

The rate he is going, he will have me out of here because I'm sure that his next move will be that if I refuse to sell, he will refuse to pay his half of the mortgage. He's just going to keep upping the ante until he has bled me dry and there's only my bones left to pick over ... I have ignored this email too and will be so busy tomorrow that I don't possibly have time to even consider it.

If he turns up on Sunday, then so be it ... if not, so be that too.

[JCJ]

I wouldn't ignore the email/ text Nell, it'll just inflame the situation. It is also kind of passive aggressive.

I would just drop him a quick line saying something like.

'Hi

Got your messages, thanks. I will most likely be out on Sunday but the house will be free for you to come round then. I will be working all of next week so it is probably best if you are here to meet with the valuers and let me know the outcome. I am happy for you to handle all this side of things.

With regards to our meeting about finances I would like to discuss (then list them). I could probably meet Wednesday evening of next week at the coffee shop (or wherever and when ever you are free to meet).

Nell'

I would suggest that you probably be out when he comes to collect his stuff as it will be hard for you to see it all happening and not react. Just my opinion.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks JCJ - that is good advice.

I really do need to see him to discuss the finances and if I am not here on Sunday, I know that he will not make time for me for at least another 3 weeks - that appears to be his pattern over the past few months. I want to remain calm - and this time I think that I can ... I have been practising!

I shall not be here for the valuers - that's a certainty!

How are you getting along?

[Lost Rabbit]

Oh hun not what you wanted to hear at all.



First off if he wants to end this for once and for all you need to start protecting yourself.



a) Tell him that you will have the house valued in your good time, and you will not be letting any valuers onto the property and certainly enabling him to do so either!

b) Tell him he can remove personal effects from the house but he is not using what you have purchased together as a couple to set up any home for bimbo!

c) You said before you are better to start proceedings from an English point of view rather than Australian, would that scare the crap out of him if you got an English lawyer on board, if so do so!

d Ignore his email he doesn’t warrant a response, you are not to enable his bad behaviour in any way shape or form.



On a more personal note, don’t lose it with him, if he is so alienated that he is going down this route whole heartedly having a go might make you feel better but just prove to him he is all the right to do so!

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Rabbit ... oh, I just don't know what to do. I am in a whirl right now.

Think that I shall hop on over to have a cuppa with the neighbour and see what a good night's sleep tells me, tomorrow.

I'm fast running out of steam ... this is a a hiding to hell and I don't think that any amount of DB'ing is going to fix this. I just wonder if I haven't been wasting my time for all these months by playing DB games .... does this work?

For the very few I would say yes. For the rest of us, we appear to be doomed before we even start. Sorry folks, but that's just how I see it.

[JCJ]

No, it isn't a waste of time at all. Michele herself says that not all WAS come home. If you DB consistantly, especially by using the 'doing something different' technique and by getting your emotions under control then you stand a much better chance of reconciling with your spouse than if you carry on doing what was driving your spouse away. And if you employ all the GAL advice etc then whether or not you reconcile you are in a much healthier place. The key word is consistancy.

Out of all the people that have posted to me I know of 6 last summer alone that have reconciled. Two of them have never come aback and posted that they have.

Whether you view yourself as doomed before you start is I guess up to you. Sounds a bit like victim talk to me. But I truly could not have lived with myself if I hadn't tried everything possible to save my marriage and DB gave me the tools with which to do that.

Just my thoughts.

[Eskimo Nell]

I hear you loud and clear JCJ but isn't there a time when people can't do this any more and, despite all efforts, are 'forced' to give up. You can't keep on knocking your head against a wall when nothing works? It's just where I'm at and H is holding all the cards - he knows it, I know it. He's done and I am getting nowhere despite everything.

I am REALLY going to try this again on Sunday and see what progress (if any) I can make but I think it's gone too far now. I'm exhausted .... and yes, I do feel like a victim because I am a victim ... of his cruel and selfish behaviour.

I was a wife - I had a good life - he took it away from me in one fell swoop and I had no say in the matter.