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#1842032 - 09/22/09 12:43 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: girlfromoz]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Nell, I'm a bit concerned that if H is pulling back a little when he gets too comfortable that he may be pressured by the letter. I am only saying this from my own experience which H has reiterated today. He feels pressure from me and it does make him pull back. I'm concerned that the letter may have the same effect. By all means write it and keep it in a drawer until you feel confident that it's the right move.

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#1842242 - 09/22/09 03:56 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: dolphin_05]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Huge hugs Nell its certainly sounds like a tough day today! I can see where your councellor is going but as H seems so hesitant even declaring memories that you will cherish could only see the back end of him disappearing in a dust pile, certainly write it and hang onto it as it may have its place later on!

In the first two weeks my H went off on his "test separation" we had agreed not to contact each other and it was before I found my way here, I used to write a letter to him each evening on my laptop, only one was sent to him but it didnt do any good unfortunately all I got was a cold I understand but quite frankly dont care reply!

Hope tomorrow puts a bigger smile on your face!
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

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#1842757 - 09/22/09 10:17 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: girlfromoz]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
I agree Oz.

I do think that my H waivers at times but he has made his move so he now considers that he has to see it through. He is resolute at this time.

I feel the same way about the letter - that's why I thought that to do it as an exercise may be good for me but without actually giving it to him.

I may just write it and lock it away somewhere. Will be good to get the thoughts out and may even induce me to cry some. I SO need to cry - I'm like a pressure cooker well over-due to explode.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1842759 - 09/22/09 10:18 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: dolphin_05]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Exactly Cas - I should have read your post before replying to Oz .. !! Thank you. That really does make sense.

What is it with these men and their pulling back all the time?
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1842761 - 09/22/09 10:20 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Lost Rabbit]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Seems like we are all agreed on the letter writing.

I hear you Rabbit. I wrote a huge email to H when I got back to the UK - pouring it all out. It did nothing and infact only incurred his wrath over several points, which he viewed differently to me.

I may have a go at the letter over the weekend but it will be for me only.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1842763 - 09/22/09 10:24 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
The pull back has been a big part with my H and my honest reflection is that I got the pullback whenever he sensed he had let himself come too close and whenever I put too much pressure on him.

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#1842886 - 09/23/09 02:01 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: dolphin_05]
girlfromoz Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/09
Posts: 885
Nell, just a thought when you write the letter and you have finished, burn it, don't keep it, just burn it. The thoughts and feelings are out and then gone.
_________________________

Trying to keep hope alive

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#1843032 - 09/23/09 10:04 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: girlfromoz]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
I'm wondering Cas if this is pullback from my H or not - I don't think that he cares enough one way or another. I just think that he is so over all of this and wants me to move out of the house and for our finances to be severed. He knows that I won't play that game right now and his actions are to remain distant and with nc to me unless I initiate, or a problem arises that he has to contact me first. I reckon he could easily walk and never look back otherwise, such is the evidence.

Oz, people say about burning the thoughts but it's never really worked for me, to be honest. I have issues with lots of counselling techniques, even the ones that I have recommended to others - like putting your thoughts in a balloon and letting them fly away! I just think that what is in my head and heart will always stay there - there's no getting rid and even now, years later, I am still haunted by stuff that my first love said and did. Nothing helps me shed this stuff - and I have been with H twice as long as xbf.

Tomorrow will be such a temptation to ring H as I shall be in the office alone for the whole day. It's a week since I have seen him and I am feeling the withdrawal symptoms - badly. I wish that things were different for us. I get a bit jealous of you buds that have contact, LM'ing and other such encounters with your H's. I am beginning to wonder if I should stick around for a bit longer or just give up this whole DB'ing lark now - it's not getting me anywhere other than to eat up a few hours of my time each day.

I'm wondering if there's any substance to it or whether it's just all about making us feel better for the individuals that we are - and then WAS's who do come back do it because they would have in any case. I am starting to feel that it's merely preparation for living life alone ...

I love the company here but I am forlorn when I see other people working their WAS's and there's so little for me to join in with. (Sorry, I sound like the kid who never gets picked for the team)!

I just feel that my H is so done .... and I am feeling so hard done by. Everything is getting on my nerves with the house at the moment - even the cats are being a pain! I need some help and it's all starting to over-burden me again.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1843034 - 09/23/09 10:14 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Oh - and I am really questioning my nc with H.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that he always hated it when I wouldn't speak to him after an argument. He said that it was something that made him realise how outside of the M he really felt. I wonder if nc is doing the same to him?

It also makes me think that he might feel that I am accepting of the separation and I think that it gives him more of an impetus to think that his A is acceptable, as I have 'accepted' that he has gone.

I think that I have to have a new strategy ... anyone have any ideas??
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1843039 - 09/23/09 10:28 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
mmm let me think on this one Nell.

I'd say your biggest problem is that your H seems to be a relative of "muffin the mule" once he has decided something he is too stubborn to admit he is wrong!

Need ways that contact is amicable, non confrontational, and he can feel comfortable accepting.

Have you got any house jobs that need two of you to do, or a mans strength, I know you dont want to look incapable, but the house was bought by both of you and if you were chosing a house on your own you would have chosen one that suited the needs of a single lass.

But if you are going to use this type of contact, say "how about helping me fix blah and blah" now this is going to sound really really harsh sorry, You are going to have to button it and not lose it in any way shape or form, acting "as if" is imperative, maybe even a bit "as if we need to sort this house out to finally sell it".

Using the moth analogy, your H will possible risk burning his wings to help you, but if you send out a flash fire he will get burnt anyway and not return! Will check in later x
_________________________
____________________________

W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

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