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#1840967 - 09/20/09 01:12 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: bonnyh]
Lost Rabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 1317
Nell whilst I see your point of setting some boundaries, IMHO asking for his keys back is asking for trouble, it is his house after all and he is paying half the mortgage, start small with boundaries, perhaps ask that he only comes into the house when you are there, you could perhaps also ask for a bit more respect about the finances now you are paying and you would like to have information without question and quickly! Also have a rethink on how you can better put your sentance about him "not having a hissy fit and running out" as that could be one too! Hope you have a nice day at work tomorrow and that things look brighter for you.
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W 47
H 47
M 24
T 30

Once lost but now found and happily married again!

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#1840993 - 09/20/09 02:08 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Lost Rabbit]
bluerain Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/08
Posts: 1501
Loc: Alaska
Nell, if he doesnt want to give the key back, or respect your boundaries change the lock. Most importantly, dont ask him to do something that he wont, dont ask him to respect a boundary that you wont or cant enforce.

I was lucky, I asked my H to please let me know when he was going to be at the house and he complied, but to be honest, I didnt ask for the key back, but he moved across the continent. It was tough because I had the same thought that Rabbit just mentioned, but he chose to not live there anymore, so its not really his home anymore. I think that a big part of it is him trusting you enough to not deny him access if he needs it.


Edited by bluerain (09/20/09 02:09 PM)
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I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...

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#1841044 - 09/20/09 06:04 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: bonnyh]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Tried that one Bonny and he just continues to say NO and then walks out. I can't take the key as it's on his keyring which always stays firmly planted in his pocket when he is here.

Legally, I have no rights and he knows that - it's what he's feeding off - he knows that I am powerless over this one. H has said that he won't come in to the house if he knows that I am not here and I do trust that he will not, but I don't see that it's fair. As you say, I'm not even allowed to know where he is living.

I am just appealing to his sense of fairness and aliens don't play that game. I'm stuffed on this one, basically.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1841049 - 09/20/09 06:20 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated

Good one, Rabbit. Yes, I do need more respect now that I have proven to H that I am paying my way. I shall put that to him next time.

Gotcha in regards him flouncing out the door. That's down to me really as he says that he will stay and discuss anything but not if I am being abusive! I have to say, I am guilty of that at times but I do have a self-confessed anger management problem when it comes to having ow pushed in my face or my H moving across the continent - who wouldn't, be fair?!!

Guess that I need to get some smart remarks ready for that very sentence next time he tries it out on me.

OK - work beckons so have a good day all and I shall try to catch up later before I am out GAL'ing - aka, coffee at neighbours!
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1841051 - 09/20/09 06:27 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: bluerain]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Thanks Bluerain.

I've looked at changing the locks but there are five main entry points to the home and it would cost a heap! I also know H and if I did this, he would take action against me. He's a placid and calm man but if you cross his boundary, he turns BIG TIME!

I hear your message on not asking things that he won't comply with or that I can't enforce ... that's worthy of lots more thought on my behalf and will be my 'topic of the day' to ponder.

I have to say, H has respected his own statement of not entering without me being here and I know that he trusts me to the last - except for telling me where he is living but of course, that has other ramifications. In all other matters, we both maintain the utmost trust in one another, even though mine does have a slight question mark in the background these days!
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1841053 - 09/20/09 06:34 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Dudess Offline
Member

Registered: 08/29/08
Posts: 712
Loc: US
Originally Posted By: Eskimo Nell
I keep reading about setting boundaries and feel that I should maybe look at some of my own. Thing is, how do I do it??

I have asked for the keys for the house - H refuses on the grounds that this is still legally his home even though he chooses not to live in it (I could say that in the same vein, I demand to have my H on my keyring, as we are still legally married)!!

I have asked him not to flounce out if he gets upset when we talk but he says that he will not stay here and be abused (he takes any negative word about himself or ow as abuse).

I just don't think that I am in the position to set down any boundaries really - unless you guys know otherwise ... how can you put boundaries on a WAS who has nothing much to do with you??


You don't put boundaries on anyone, you put them around yourself. A boundary is not an attempt to control anyone else's behavior. A boundary is the action you will take to protect yourself.

If you can't win the battle of the keys, don't go there. You can't make him stay and talk with you. All you can do is decide what you are going to take care of Nell.
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#1841057 - 09/20/09 06:41 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
JCJ Offline
Member

Registered: 05/27/08
Posts: 3307
Loc: London, UK
Hey Nell

If you really want to pursue this lock thing then look into the legal ramifications. You don't want him to turn around and not pay the mortgage or something. Pick your battles.

Plus it is difficult to set boundaries with a WAS. Again, pick your battles. I know it is hard to let go but you can't control him at this time. It is easier to set boundaries, for example, if they are being openly disrespectful to you rather than creating, for want of a better word, trouble.

This time is about you, concentrate on you and your well-being. If you are planning a period of dark again, focus on what you can do yourself to help with detaching and keeping hold of your emotions for your next encounter. If you fill this time with GAL you will find it will help with your next meeting with your h. I know you are limited but check your local library board - mine is full of yoga groups, Tai Chi, Choir etc.
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M- May 2006
D - Aug 2010
Now travelling the world

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#1841114 - 09/20/09 08:58 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: JCJ]
girlfromoz Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/09
Posts: 885
Hi Nell

Sorry I haven't been around much this weekend. I don't think I would be asking for keys or changing locks, I know how you feel but you don't want to look less attractive to him than the OW and doing this could be perceived as just being a plan "b@!*#" which you aren't and you certainly don't want to look like one.

You will really have to work on keeping your emotions in check as hard as it is, it is the one thing that will undo every ounce of good work that you put in. Maybe yoga or something like that is what would be good for you, do you have a community centre or such where you are or one nearby that runs classes such as those.

I know how hard it is to keep a lid on emotions, believe me I have been there and done that.

Have a great day at work Nell. Talk to you later.
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Trying to keep hope alive

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#1841186 - 09/21/09 12:33 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: girlfromoz]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Hi Nell,

I've heard nearly everything your H said from my H too.

Re the locks; I didn't ask for the key, just the courtesy of him telling me if and when he was going into the house. He did honour that.

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#1841204 - 09/21/09 05:02 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: dolphin_05]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Thanks to all the buddies for above responses. I think that I understand boundaries more now and I see that there are precious few that I can instill, rather insist on maintaining respectful contacts from H toward me.

Coming home to a letter from the real estate agent made me panic. It was addressed in our joint names and looked like an appointment to come value our home. I was really upset as I thought that H had carried out his threat and this was the formal notification. It was purely a mailshot.

It got me to thinking about what I would do, when and if that appointment date comes. If someone turns up at the door unannounced, I shall certainly turn them away. I feel that my favoured option would be to tell the agent that they are wasting their time as I have no intention of selling. This would work, unless H accompanies them to our home. Then I would have to let them proceed.

I have totally gone off the idea of getting the key back off H. I don't want him to pull out of paying the mortgage so will just trust him to honour his word not to come here when I am not. It seems that he is happy to do that, as he waited on the drive on Thursday night so the evidence for trusting him was there.

Periods of panic set in today whilst I was sat in a meeting (I didn't have much involvement so it was easy to let my mind wander). I was thinking about you all being in the same situation at work and wondering if you were concentrating as little on your jobs as I was on mine! I also had a vision of H having taken off his Wedding Ring and to me that speaks volumes. It made me feel so sick. I put up the red stop sign and tried to get involved in the meeting again but I can't help thinking that it is the biggest action of all that tells me he isn't coming home.

I know that things can be reversed but you can't help how you feel at the time.

Off out for coffee with neighbour this evening.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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