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Holy cow! gforce's thread was unbelievable.....all the way down to the day of the divorce! I know my lawyer plans to ask for time to reconcile. I'm hoping my h's motorcycle trip will clear his fogged out head and he'll realize what's really important in life....well, I can always hope, pray, dream, and BELIEVE!!!!


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
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Hi, Golfgirl.

I understand what you are going through. I was the worlds worst at detaching.......and the absolute queen of the "backslide". I even got a tattoo of the chinese konji symbol for "patience"!! crazy shocked

Anyway, I believe that it's most important to just try to remember to be kind to yourself. You will get there when you get there. Fake it til you make is a good adage, but even if you can't do that, don't beat yourself up. The fact is that there are no wrong answers. You could be a "DB guru" and still end up D'd.

I'm sure you've heard it before but DB really isn't about saving your M, but about saving you. By doing these techniques you can avoid some pain. That's it. Yes, it's also the best chance you have at saving your M, but that's a by product really.

Another way I sometimes look at it is that we are going through our own MLC of sorts. How could we not be when we have lost something that we trusted so deeply? So, we too will go through the cycling, and the depression, and denial, and all those stages we have read about.......although hopefully we won't lose sight of what's really important in life (whatever that is for each of us) because we are not stark raving nuts as our WAS's obviously are for walking away from such remarkably wonderful people as ourselves!!! wink crazy grin

Anyway......hang in there!

(((((hugs)))))


TJ

Me45,H49
D24,S18
M26,T28
Bomb 3/19/08
Sep 6/23/08
EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8
3/2009 H moved in w/OW2
7/2009 Let him go w/Love.
8/2009 Legally Sep'd
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Yes, gForce is one of my heroes around here because he had the guts to use the nuclear option and it worked. He was moving on immediately and his w knew that he meant it.

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GG,

IF your Husband is indeed having a MLC then you will have to allow him the space to get through it.

And unfortunately this could take years.

If your Husband is just testing the waters of his new found freedom and is a WAS, then it may only be a few months until he gets his head screwed on straight.

Either way, you have to get yourself together.

Work on your own issues, make some changes.

There is alot of forgiveness to take place in the Marriage, from both of you.

There isn't a single person on these boards who can honestly say they did nothing to contribute to the demise of their marriage.

The old marriage is now dead.

The goal is to have a new and better relationship, whether this means as friends, and getting to know one another again and rebuilding trust, or piecing and actually working on reconcilling the marriage.

There is never a need to be nasty, or to make ultimatums or set conditions. He is an adult, and although as his wife, you may feel you have a right to tell him what to do, you no longer are in the postion of having a say in his life.

You may of course set your own boundaries, things you do for yourself that protect you.

You know what you can handle.

For example, if he decides he wants to be intimate with you, while still involved with the OW, you can tell him that it makes you feel too uncomfortable, rather then telling him to end it with her first.

Your words and your own body language are what he will be watching. He will be watching your every move to see if in fact you have changed.

This is a long process GG, and each day you will feel a little stronger and more sure of yourself.

((((hugs)))


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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Once again, this board gives me the support I need!

I woke up today very sad and missing my hubby, my marriage, our life together. AND, of course I start beating myself up over what I could have done better. I absolutely take responsibility for my piece in the demise of our marriage....I'm seeing a therapist and working on my issues every day. Reading lots of books and chatting here. I just can NOT keep beating myself up with guilt and I go right there quickly... frown

Every day is a new day and I try so hard to be strong, but this is a long, hard process and one I'm not used to or very good at. After 20 years of memories everything brings up something we did together, etc....

I sure hope his head does get screwed on straight, but I know he has multiple and severe childhood issues to get through and other things as well. I will remain positive and optimistic.

Just thinking a lot about things today and wishing for me to be happy and healed. IN time, I guess...


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
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GG,
You are very new to the rollercoaster and it takes an awful lot of time to master the emotionally ups and downs. If you are sad, feel that sadness and then let it go. No one says you must put on a happy face each and every day. Learn to accept those feelings, allow them to wash over you and then release them. As you move along, the time span between the feelings of sadness, etc. will become less. Why? Because you will gain strength from what you have endured.

This is a time of learning for us as well as the MLCer. It's a time to rediscover who we were and got lost in the shuffle of life. We are all "fixers" in the relationships and now we must learn to step back and allow God to do the fixing. Some have had to dig deeper for patience. This is a virtue that we all have had to learn as well. Time to the MLCer is very slow, but to us it's moving rapidly.

It's okay to remain hopeful and optimistic, but also you need to move on w/your life. Leave the door ajar, but live your life to the fullest. As for the memories, think about them, smile and remember that you know that your relationship was not memorex. After you rebview them, put them in a box and set that box up on a shelf for safe keeping. Pull them down whenever you feel you need a boost to help you along the way.

GG, I kid you not, this is a very long and difficult path to walk, but you can do it. There are many who are walking this path and will be happy to pick you up if you should stumble. Do not be afraid. You have nothing to fear but fear itself.

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I do feel I am stumbling....thank you all for being here, for listening, for feeling my pain and my tears (currently shedding). I joined some meetup.com groups and will be doing some new things....I just miss my old life.

I can do it!!!


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
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Posts: 1,073
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Hi GG,

I have been reading along but haven't posted to you before. You are getting awesome advice here. It is difficult but eventually things do get better, the tears get further between, and you WILL survive.

You CAN do it!


"Endurance is a testament of love."

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Hey Golfgirl ~

I just left a post for you on the " So Now What " thread that you replied to.

MJ

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Hmm...MJ very interesting. Since my h no longer lives at home I have no idea if they ride around on his motorcycle together. I am trying hard not to think too much about it and get on with my life. I did notice on your thread that someone said "power is sexy" and that sure hit a cord with me. Since he owns the company and the ow is the VP I think that sort of happened with her. She has been after him so hard for 2 years now and I think he just finally caved in (along with MLC).


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
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