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#1822946 - 08/20/09 09:26 PM Re: Probably too late [Re: harpo]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10259
Sorry to say this, but I think your H is in love with someone else. It always comes down to that, unfortunately.

Keep it together and dont contact him. He has made it more than clear that is what he wants...
Stay strong and good luck!
K
_________________________
Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1822952 - 08/20/09 09:30 PM Re: Probably too late [Re: Virtually_Handsome]
Dia Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/09
Posts: 1259
Yes - I know it goes against everything you may be wanting or feeling right now, but yes, DO NOT contact him.

Get that letter, keep the original and make a photocopy or two.

Get a notebook and start documenting things. Websites where he's logged in (print a screen shot), things he's said to you (with dates), cell phone records if you have them or can access them, dates of those other 'no cell phone service' trips etc.

I am only trying to prepare you for the possible worst - he is very likely in a relationship with someone else and I'd be real suspicious of the no cell service excuse (seriously, does his work take him to oil platforms in the middle of the ocean, remote archeaological digs, deep underground? Not being flippant here, but you know what kind of work he does. Does that excuse hold water to you?).

If either one of you files for divorce, you will need your logbook and a copy of that letter as evidence of marital abandonment and (possibly) adultery. Any other evidence you may have that he tried to fake his own death should go into the logbook, too.


Edited by Dia (08/20/09 09:32 PM)
_________________________
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.

My sitch - Divorce Busted!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137

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#1822956 - 08/20/09 09:33 PM Re: Probably too late [Re: Virtually_Handsome]
PainfulDusk Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/09
Posts: 219
Loc: Texas
My friend that gave me that book said the same thing to me, then told me to come here. She said she wished she had gotten to me before I lost it yesterday. Because believe me, I LOST it. I was shocked at myself tbh afterwards. And exhausted. I don;t have the stamina for that sort of thing.

I dont feel like doing anything today but lay around and cry. if I could eat icecream I would. gallons of it. Ive been reading some of the posts here. Some of them make me cry harder and some I don't understand. But pain is pain. that at least I do understand.


*** If i start to think there is someone else I will lose my mind for certain. go ahead and say it...denial. I can start keeping a notebook. I wondered that too, how could he love me and write a letter like that. I dont know. I couldnt. But I know he did. I just dont know what happened. And Im sure I pushed him away completely yesterday. Altho, I guess he is about as far away as he can get atm.

I dont feel like I have anything to tie me to him. We have no children and he is so far away...... I feel so lost. I was reading about getting a life but that doesnt really seem to apply to me. I had to do that when he went overseas or I would have gone nuts. I work and go out with friends. Volunteer at the battered womens shelter once a week. Read , and play my guitar. I got a new puppy 2 weeks ago and she takes a lot of my time up. My cat hates the puppy, but at least hasnt eaten it yet. SO I walk her, which is helpful for my recovery. Im babbling.


edit 2.. yes he is an artist and travels to remote places that doesnt always have service. Before he left I used to go with him on trips and we sometimes didnt have service everywhere we went. So I never had a reason not to believe him.


Edited by PainfulDusk (08/20/09 09:39 PM)

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#1822958 - 08/20/09 09:38 PM Re: Probably too late [Re: PainfulDusk]
Dia Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/09
Posts: 1259
It's ok. We've all been there.

It's cold comfort, I know, but you will get through this either way.

If you need to, give yourself permission to be a basket case for an hour or two (set a timer). Then pull yourself up and start making preparations to move on with your life. As you've said, it won't be all that different than what you've been doing for the past year. If he comes back, you'll be in an awesome place and you can re-negotiate your marriage then if that appeals to both of you. If he doesn't come back, you'll have an awesome life.

Not to harp - but please go get the letter if you haven't already. THEN you can be a basket case if you want. sick


Edited by Dia (08/20/09 09:40 PM)
_________________________
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.

My sitch - Divorce Busted!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137

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#1822961 - 08/20/09 09:44 PM Re: Probably too late [Re: Dia]
PainfulDusk Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/09
Posts: 219
Loc: Texas
Ok Dia, and yes, I have the letter. It was painful to read the first time and now...I dont know. He says that he loves me so much and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but can't. For me to continue writing and playing my music and making people happy. A lot of it is extremely personal, but that's the general gist of it. He can't be with me anymore and can't go on and for me to continue and be happy. He also included a drawing of the 2 of us together. Just so...unlike him .


888 and Im still a little angry I guess that he would do this to me. But at the same time Im so upset. its like Im all conflicted inside.


Edited by PainfulDusk (08/20/09 09:45 PM)

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#1822962 - 08/20/09 09:45 PM Re: Probably too late [Re: PainfulDusk]
davidswife Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 819
Loc: Midwest
Can you get access to his cell phone records?? Even though the carrier is different??
_________________________
Me - 45
D - 19
D - 17
S - 14
S - 13



Final - 1/15

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#1822965 - 08/20/09 09:50 PM Re: Probably too late [Re: davidswife]
PainfulDusk Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/09
Posts: 219
Loc: Texas
No i cant, Im not even sure what carrier he uses over there. Never thought to ask. I trusted him. He has never given me a reason not to trust him until now and that wasn't something I ever had to deal with. When he went overseas I was not good healthwise and spent much of this past year in the hospital. Just the past 4-5 months I guess, I have been recovering enough to get out. Working on getting myself healthy and back into the swing of things. So most of that he handled and I had little to do with. I know he discussed those things with me, but I wasnt in very good shape at the time and really just dont remember.

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#1822966 - 08/20/09 09:52 PM Re: Probably too late [Re: davidswife]
Dia Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/09
Posts: 1259
Dusk, how old is your H? After Last Resort, check out Mid Life Crisis in the book.

And - word to the wise - on those sites where you've been blocked, signing up under a diff email address may make things visible again. whistle If we're talking Facebook, you might have to be 'friends' with him to see much and I wouldn't advise that.

Just do not - absolutely do not - use that account to contact him, pretend to be a secret admirer, or harrass him in any way. Use it only as a 2nd pair of eyes.

Also, this just occurred to me since you have health issues. Is your health insurance through his job? If so, you might want to make some back-up plans for health ins. in case you go to the Dr. and suddenly you get told you no longer have insurance. (My sister's X did that to her and their two toddlers.)


Edited by Dia (08/20/09 09:54 PM)
_________________________
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.

My sitch - Divorce Busted!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137

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#1822970 - 08/20/09 10:04 PM Re: Probably too late [Re: Dia]
PainfulDusk Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/09
Posts: 219
Loc: Texas
Ok, I dont know if he used facebook or not. He is 22.

My primary health insurance is thru him, then I also have seconday insurance of my own.

I just miss him. I'm worried about him and I love him. I don't want to lose him. This isnt like him at all. We have never gone this long without contact. Not once. And it was hard enough sometimes with the distance, and I feel like Im dying inside. then the letter... I dont understand why he would do something like that. If i think too much I'll go insane.

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#1823578 - 08/21/09 04:36 PM Re: Probably too late [Re: PainfulDusk]
PainfulDusk Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/09
Posts: 219
Loc: Texas
Morning all. Had a moment before heading out and thought I would post/(journal?) a bit.

I read many parts of the Divorce busting book last night. So hard because half my marraige has been long-distance so some of it really doesn't seem to apply to me. The one thing that struck me is that you can't control another persons actions. That seems pretty obvious to me but maybe it's because of my situation I was already aware of that. The 180's make a lot of sense, I suppose the 180 I should be working on is not contacting him. Im pretty happy with my life and what I do other than that.

A mutual friend of ours I havent spoken with in a while contacted me, just to say "hi" . I asked her if she had heard anything. SHe hadn't but she is going to send an email to him and see if he responds. Not much I can do but keep living and hope he comes around.

I'm not shy exactly , but I have read some other ppls posts and my heart goes out to all of you. I don't know what I can add and tend not to offer advice unless asked for it. I will keep looking in, Makes me feel better knowing Im not the only one out here going thru this.

I dont know what my furture holds. Im not a seer. I know I must live my life as I have and prepare myself for the worst while hoping for the best.

I love my husband with all my heart. What he has done is ....unspeakable...but, I have to believe there was a reason that I can , maybe not understand, but in time forgive.

I didn't sleep well last night again. Cried this morning while having my tea, he usually is online or has called me so we could have that morning ritual together. 3 weeks. Seems like forever.....

have a good day everyone...I will try to as well.

Dusk

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