Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 77 of 114 1 2 75 76 77 78 79 113 114
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 573
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 573
yeah, I can totally see how that would be hard. A drink or a glass of wine always seems to make it harder.

I can't help but think A&K that he needs to feel more of the reality and gravity of the situation. Again, I'm at a distance and only you know, but a little less texting and a little more financial discussion feels like the right mix.


AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread
RedSoxFan #1840632 09/19/09 04:15 PM
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
Yes! It was one text and then I didn't respond to his response (was nice and clean).

I was hanging with my girlfriend when I sent it. The night was fine, wasn't heavy or particularly hard. I didn't send some drippy emotional text.

Last night would have been hellish six months ago. I had a great time.

Yes, dealing with the finances and impending move and all of that will add to the gravity of what is happening.

I think the hardest part is that I am over trying to make him see or impact his perception so I am very casual. But, it may be counterproductive if I do want him to come back...I just don't know anymore. It is easier to be nice when I have given up. But, I always have a tiny shred of hope.



Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
Oh, for some odd reason, I caught adorable, younger family friend (male) staring at me throughout the night...my girl friend noticed it too. I don't sh*t where I eat IYKWIM but the attention was nice. grin



Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 573
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 573
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
Oh, for some odd reason, I caught adorable, younger family friend (male) staring at me throughout the night...my girl friend noticed it too. I don't sh*t where I eat IYKWIM but the attention was nice. grin


tssssssst smokin!


AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 573
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 573
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
I think the hardest part is that I am over trying to make him see or impact his perception so I am very casual. But, it may be counterproductive if I do want him to come back...I just don't know anymore. It is easier to be nice when I have given up. But, I always have a tiny shred of hope.

So whether you want him to come back or not..or you just don't know...why not have the choice? If that's the case then...

It just seems to me (all usual disclaimers apply here) that you are doing a decent job of distancing, with an occasional reach out to keep him attentive but not actually exposing him to (or maybe even sheltering him from) some of the harder reality that's going to wake him up. Again, I may be missing the whole thing but that's just what it looks like from up here in the bleachers...that's Red Sox baseball humor. I really have to change that user name ;-)


AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread
RedSoxFan #1840683 09/19/09 07:25 PM
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
Quote:
It just seems to me (all usual disclaimers apply here) that you are doing a decent job of distancing, with an occasional reach out to keep him attentive but not actually exposing him to (or maybe even sheltering him from) some of the harder reality that's going to wake him up. Again, I may be missing the whole thing but that's just what it looks like from up here in the bleachers...that's Red Sox baseball humor. I really have to change that user name ;-)


This paragraph just opened up a whole can of worms for me...in a good way. I'm going to sort out and then post. Thanks.



Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
So, after reading this, I thought about it and was going to respond that the "harder reality" is not something that will ever hit H but will hit me based on his exhibited priorities and because the losses are of things I value and he doesn't; that basing my decisions on making sure that he feels the loss is a waste of time and that I may as well be amicable, easy and do what works for me.

Then, it hit me how in the process of detaching, I have become very jaded. That to protect myself, I have really erased so much evidence that H cares deeply about his kids, our marriage and our family. There were so many exhibitions of his devotion over the years but over time his sense of hope eroded and he decided he couldn't afford to care anymore. That he had to choose and our crappy marriage wasn't worth more than a potential shot at the big time. Now, this is a real tricky place for me to go mentally and doesn't change much because where we are now matters and I have no evidence whatsoever that H could build a new M with me and that we could recover from all that we have been through. But, I think I have been way off in assuming that he doesn't feel the loss or that he wont.

Today when I dropped off the kids it was really odd that he buzzed us up and then as we approached his apartment, a song about not being able to stay apart (one that he had sent me a video of, work related a few weeks ago), was conspicuously blasting with his door open. Then once we were in, he turned it down. It was so blatant but I had to write it off as nothing cuz it is just too elusive to read into. Then, he gave me a hello hug (tight squeeze) and then some chocolate he brought back for me. He gave the kids some gifts. He invited me to lunch and I told him I couldn't go. He looked surprised and I said that I have very little time and I'm going out tonight so I've got to get some things done. He asked if I was sure. And, I reiterated that I've had the kids non-stop and I need this time. Plus, we are going to be together all day tomorrow for S's bday. Then we agreed to go to an ATM to get me some money to put in my account. It was taking a long time to get out of his place and I realized that he can just put the money in my account without me. When I proposed this, he looked disappointed but couldn't say much.

It was so pleasant and manageable for me but I could tell he was wanting me with them.

I left and then texted regarding the kids because he had mentioned that he was taking them out tonight. I told him that I was sorry that I didn't send them with any clothes for tonight because I thought he would just be hanging with them. He said he was supposed to take them to a dressy dinner.

I offered to try to meet him with some clothes (he's asked me in the past to pack things just in case and I didn't so I figured I would try to be helpful).

He then texted me that he decided to just be with the kids and spend time with them hanging in.

I said, "that's awesome! :)"

So, now, I have to know that he does care and still do my thing anyway.

I have gotten to the point where I just want to live my life, be amicable, set my boundaries but stop completely at trying to woo him back. Ironically though, that could actually be the thing that seals the deal for us, that I am not even invested enough to try to withhold more so that he can feel the loss more.

I think that I will stay on this track and do what feels right. If he doesn't see what he is losing, I just think he is not ever going to see it. I don't know if I'm making sense at all here. I could be punitive. I could consistently ignore, go completely dark, not give him the time of day. But, I am about 95% convinced that he and I are over and I would rather have an amicable divorce than a bitter one so I want to be cool. I am definitely never extending myself beyond what is comfortable and I am living my own life. But I see how this sort of pleasantry could sort of assuage his doubts if he has them. Then again, maybe this is more uncomfortable for him than I know and maybe it is "working"...

I just can't bring myself to strategize in an effort to get him back anymore. Strange.



Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,181
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,181
Not strange at all. It's an attitude needed for survival.


"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
orangedog #1840784 09/20/09 12:30 AM
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
Feels strange. cool

I've never not cared while caring so much in my life about everything...

and on an esoteric level, I think I (like most) have longed to reconcile the sheer insignificance of little me with the necessary will to live and enjoy life...

and so we grow.



Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 573
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 573
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
I just can't bring myself to strategize in an effort to get him back anymore. Strange.

No. Not strange at all. smile

I want to be thoughtful in response. Long night doing Oktoberfest with girls. Parlez-vous demain.


AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread
Page 77 of 114 1 2 75 76 77 78 79 113 114

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard