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So, here we are nice and detached. Had a nice night hanging with a girl friend, trying to explain to her that it is necessary to have sex with her H more than once every six months!!! LOL

So, I get a couple of emails about trivial stuff like H wondering if he can borrow the housekeeper he has forgotten I fired weeks ago due to lack of funds!!! Hello, McFly! Anyway, money is a big problem over here but soon I should be able to get a L to help with that. (cross your fingers, I'm trying to sell something that is worth a lot of money)...

This morning when I dropped the kids off to H, he checked me out and muttered something like "you look nice"...ya, he's noticing (also sent me an email last week telling me how hot I looked on my FB page, wtf??).

So, tonight I get an email with a poem he's written which seems to be reflecting on the demise of our relationship (metaphorically) and then an apology for having sent it.

So, GUCCI, here's a guy who left, was "done", has not really left me alone for the most part, is jealous, probing, juvenile, has pictures of himself with beautiful women looking romantic on his facebook but still has not removed his married status (even though I suggested he should)...sending me a poem.

He comments on my facebook though I never do on his. This is so juvenile but I haven't taken him off my page because I don't want to be provocative right now and he would actually take offense at that...I am too reliant on him for money and it is better if he thinks everything is ok.

But, sometimes, it sickens me that it appears I am in collusion with all of this. I mean that I am "friends" with him and am obviously aware of the pictures on his page...I am trying not to put too much stock in it cuz my MO as I said is to get myself situated and stabilized and avoid drama with him.

Anyway, I really can live without him, don't know how I could live with him at this point or even date him...of course if there was a way, I'd be open to the possibility but for now, not happening. I know I'm repeating myself but what I am looking for is to still feel at the end of all this that I did my best and handled all of this in the most mature and effective manner.

Do you relate to what he is doing? Is it just ego? Possessiveness? Narcissism? I know mind-reading is a no-no but I just don't get it. I feel like maybe I am missing something here, that it is me that rejects him over and over...I don't know. Just looking for the guy perspective and with my own mental well-being in mind (more than DBing) I want to keep myself together.

By the way, dating is not just an option for me at this point, it is a directive I have given myself...I'm not fighting you on that point anymore! grin

Thanks Again!!



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That's so weird -- I was just having this conversation last night with my assistant, whose H is not quite at Monsoor's level but very nearly, and who is doing the same thing. Her assessment, which is below under "couple possibilities" seemed pretty spot-on to me.

(Heck, Mrs. SP was sort of doing it as well, trying to come off all "whatevah" and flirty and sassy but "I'm too cool" for you at the same time in the days leading up to the Great European Getaway -- she even made a point of telling me that she de-friended Signore Schmuckatelli on FB (though obviously not on her mental FB, LOL -- come on, he was the Best Evah).

If it 'twere me, I'd de-friend him and FB block him, just to make the point -- but you're right that such a course of action WOULD be provocative.

WAW KNEW that I'd get the "ping" of a new "news" alert when she changed her FB to her maiden name -- and then used the Lionel Ritchie song line "I'm giving you back your name" as her status. She was sort of showing-off to all her FB friends with a big "F-U Smiley's Person" -- the worst of whom immediately thumbs-upped her status and wrote a long series of variations on "you kill me" and "you're so cool" and "LOL." It's just showing-off. Frankly I suspect it's a phony kind of showing-off, fake-it-till-you-make-it style.)


Quote:
don't know how I could live with him at this point or even date him...of course if there was a way, I'd be open to the possibility but for now, not happening.


In the Schnarch book there's this interesting idea -- you don't have to know something until you experience it. In a way, then, that's the answer to these queries. You don't have to know how you could live with him at this point; you don't have to know how you could date him. If you wind up doing so, you'll know how you did it when you experience it.

Quote:
Do you relate to what he is doing? Is it just ego? Possessiveness? Narcissism? I know mind-reading is a no-no but I just don't get it.


Couple possibilities (because I've done that "you look hot" thing with WAW, though that's kind of DB'ing) that my assistant and I came up with last night for this behavior: (A) Obliviousness; (B) it's the only way he knows how to communicate affection; (C) passive-aggressive torment; (D) status-checking (is she still into me?); (E) cake-eating (she's so lame I can bag her AND Hot Rich Actress Lady, bwah-ha-hah! Mon dieu! D'accord! Zoot alors! Smooshmatoes! Peekmanose!); or some combination thereof.

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Oh crap, that last part made me laugh out loud!!!

I would LOVE for him to try to "bag" me now; that would be some sweet rejection right there.

You're wife's facebook antics surpass H's in a$$holicness! Who airs their dirty laundry on a public forum?? Did u unfriend her? Jesus she sounds like a b$tch though I'm sure she feels justified.

Anyhoo, thanks for the laugh. That shmorgesborg of pseudofrench at the end will give me the giggles for a while.

Bon nuit.



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AAK,

Wow - I'm impressed -- you're getting it. No small thing, since some NEVER do (thinking Kevin, here).

Please don't waste even one second of your precious time trying to understand what your H (who seems to have the emotional maturity of a 14 year old boy - seriously) means when he makes some offhand comment about you looking hot. I'm sure you did look hot - and he's 14, and says it. That's it -- you're dealing with a kid.

And thanks for the "help" w/Kevin -- he's exhausting, and I'm about done over there. Glad to see 25 back here -- I know that makes you feel better.

Anyway -- good work.

Toot alors!!

Stacy


Me - 45
D - 19
D - 17
S - 14
S - 13



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Thanks DW.

I am done on Kevin's thread, cuz frankly I think it is a waste of energy and he needs to find his own way...

What the heck is with the poem? I mean, what the f am I supposed to do with that?

Anyway, I've got a pretty good handle on it, just feel that the more I detach, the more provocative he becomes...Gucci??



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Well, WAW's seem to love keeping their spouses "hooked". So, they'll be randomly nice -- I think it's to make sure that you're still there. Still waiting, not moving on with your life.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Detach, detach, detach.

Stacy


Me - 45
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Originally Posted By: davidswife
Well, WAW's seem to love keeping their spouses "hooked". So, they'll be randomly nice -- I think it's to make sure that you're still there. Still waiting, not moving on with your life.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Detach, detach, detach.

Stacy


AMEN....honey you are doing that thing again where you want to understand him. That's like I was when I met my first truly crazy criminal defendant. I wanted to understand him but you know what? I can't, b/c I am not crazy.

You will NOT understand him EVER. Accept this as it is key to your thriving and moving on and you are wasting time on this endeavor. Seriously. Remember that Mrs.Edwards quote about trying to get back your old life, or what you thought you had, after a big bad event?

You will NEVER be the same person again. Okay fine. You can still be happy and laugh and love. But no, you are not the woman you once were and you will never have the M you wanted to have, with your h. Whether he changes and grows and you forgive, would take years IF it's possible but even then it would not be the same and you would STILL not understand his present behavior. So it really is a waste of energy.

Stay on track.
J=


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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btw, K4 does not want feedback "unless it's positive"= agreement with him. So unless you support whatever he does in full, don't bother to post. That means even if you think he thinks his w is coming back b/c she's civil to him for a week, or shares HER own happy news about her new car, or is happy for his promotion (which means more money for HER to keep and not pay him in support) he does not want to hear anything, same goes for the d's and whether he's neglectful or self centered....

He only wants help in getting w back. So, I'm guessing I won't have a lot to say to him anymore (or about the preaching which converted/persuaded no one of anything positive). Anyhow, it's best to spend time where you feel it's best used and that goes for all of us IN our lives with the spouses and jobs and children, etc. Don't go to a dry well for water. Find one that will quench your thirst A/K.

Your h has been dry for you for so long. I look forward to you finding and creating your new life. Are you "a/k" on fb? If so, I'll find you.
J-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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AK,

I found you on FB, but neglected to put in your friend request my name on here.

So if you have a friend request, and it's from Stacy, last inital B., that's me.

25,

I saw the new phase that Kevin's in. If all he wants is positive, there'll be very little posting there. I worry for his daughters, but what can you do? Nothing.

Stacy


Me - 45
D - 19
D - 17
S - 14
S - 13



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Stacy,

I know. But you can come HERE and other places where you make a difference and don't get mad at your computer screen...

Plus, you have your own family that needs and values your support as do I. And my mil is visiting in 2 weeks and I dread it AND feel guilty b/c she is dying and I'm scared she'll die while here and just with me. And frankly, the timing of the visit could not be personally/professionally worse for me. But bil needs a break and picked that week without really discussing dates and he does deserve a break and I informed h that it sucks THAT week but bil already booked a place. Yeah, it's irritating but in the grand scheme, I have to shut up. She is dying and that's the main thing; being with her and hoping she's alert enough to get something out of it and that the kids can as well. I am doubtful as her cancer is affecting her brain A LOT and I'm literally afraid of her flying even though it's direct and we'll meet her at the gate and h is a doctor, etc. She's not doing well.

So Stacy, I hear you. And I think tomato will post to k4 and other peeps new to his thread or who want to see signs in their own situations, etc. But as for his d's, that is what deeply deeply offends me. All the preaching and arguing (and persuading no one of God's love as he hurls out moral assertions re: his w's behavior...don't get me started...) ALL while ignoring or putting his d's needs on the back burner as long as possible....the hypocrisy.

Spend your money AND your time wisely.

A/K, I'll search later for you. I have to take care of d12 with a HIGH fever now. Can't seem to keep it down for long and it hit 104.8 last night, and on the digital thermometer it went over 105 but she was coherent, and funny and sacastic, etc. (Maybe that's the last thing to go). H is on call at the hospital so until he gets back I just want to get that fever down. We r not that big on ER visits as we know what they involve and she is taking fluids orally...oh well,

ttyl ladies.

Be well.
j-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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