Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

You know, in posting around again, I still have one unanswered question:

My XW has never given me the ILYBINILWY ordeal. Every time we get back on good speaking terms, XW is quick to drop in that she still has has strong feelings, and times, admitted still 'loves me'.

Why?

A baiting? Attempt to reel me back in?

I never give her a response at any time, just 'read' her eyes and knew she was telling the truth.

Not that it has any bearing on my descision to just finally let this fish complete her jump from the boiling pot to the frying pan.

I've just always been curious about that. Sandi, Dia, any thoughts?

Also, her b-day is coming up on the 14th. I'm of the inclination to not do anything at all given our current disposition. Last year when (althought things were markedly bad) I took the boys to get her a "joint gift" of a jewelry set that the boys really liked for her, she rejected saying it came from me and does not want anything from me. But yet, when I gave her that James Dean poster I just couldn't pass up a few weeks ago, she lit up like airplane coming in for landing.

So I guess that's the second question, do I bother? I'm certantly not and do not want it to come off as persuing, so maybe it's best I just leave it alone?

[karen43]

My guess, and purely a guess b/c who knows exactly how WAS minds work, but that she kind of wants/expects for you to sit on a shelf and not move on and get involved with others. I don't understand exactly why that is, but I've seen lots of WAS get really upset when the LBS, even after Ding them, starts dating. Yoyo is going through that now, and I've seen this over and over.

What i think re: the gifting is you should get a joint gift from your boys. It's what a good parent does. I use money the kids earn from chores to buy, so usually an inexpensive gift, but something the kids pick out and want to get. I have both kids make handmade cards too. I can't imagine a parent rejecting that! Karen

[dday101798]

Thanks Karen, on both accords.

I fully expect XW to continue to carry on with her ludicris behavior as I continue on with my life. Keep saying, sad, but comical. It infuriated her when I told her, you divorced me, I don't answer to you anymore, you clearly demonstrate you don't want me anymore and set me free. This chapter is just getting started and should be interesting at best when completed.

On the gift, I like that. I did the same for Mother's Day, so I guess I shall do the same in this instance.

[dday101798]

So, XW got a nice kick in the gut from me this morning (and I think OM crapped his pants)

With today being the first day of school and I was uncertain about wether or not open house was tonight, I tried calling and texting her and the boys last night to firm up and wish them a great first day.

No replies. Oddly enough, I was at a 'friends' last night. I guess we might as well say a FWB? I've made it clear that the realtion is what it is, no more no less. Every time I stop by there, XW acts up. Curious to know how she knows I'm there?

So anyway. Since I didn't talk to them and was but 20 minutes away, I opted to just surprise them and 'intercept' them at school.

No sooner thatn I pulled up and got out of my car, her comes OM driving up the street, sees me and upon literally pushing the boys out the car door, takes off. How nice. First day of school and their mother can't even escort them? Kids seemed to have a 'rehearsed' explination that XW "dropped her phone in the toilet or tub", yeah ok, never got the same answer twice an dI can read S11 like a book and that is not the truth.

None the less, they were estatic that I was there. Made my day and theirs and I'm doing a little 'happy dance' now for 2 hours.

See NCB, if your reading this, it's the little things that show your love and affection to your kids, and assures them that although things are messed up, they still have both parents in their lives at all times.

Edit, I forgot to say that I would have love to have been a fly on the wall when OM reported back that I was there to XW. I'll bet she felt like crap.

[NoCodeBlues]

Good to hear, Dday.

See NCB, if your reading this, it's the little things that show your love and affection to your kids, and assures them that although things are messed up, they still have both parents in their lives at all times.

I know you're right. As long as xW doesn't manage to somehow bar me from parenting my sons, they should be fine.

[dday101798]

She can NEVER do that, NEVER. You are every bit as much as parent to them than she.

And I will go staight out and say, when you were together, your parenting techniques differed, right? Well, it certantly won't be any different now.

It may take your sons a while to get used to, but they will know where they are and who is in charge when they are.

My boys are night and day from when they are with Xw and when they are with me. Night and day.

They completely walk all over XW. As I've said it gets hard not to intervine with their talking back, swearing, and poor attitude with XW, very hard. But when they are with me, I get none of the above, and on the rare occasion one does act up, it doesn't last very long.

Heh, every so often XW gets so erked, "you're total angels for your father, but treat me like......" Well hon, that's the enviornment you provide.

I think you need to take a breather from kid issues, sounds like it's bringing you down.

[dday101798]

God I feel like such a goof.

After having to call in and say I'd be running late for work and the reason why, I obviously had to share my story upon arrival.

Let alone, the smiles on my boys faces was enough to put me on cloud nine and let me know without saying that I really do have a positive influence in their lives regardless the situation. But everyone I bump into has given praise and compliment, one person from another department even dubbed me 'superdad'.

I was about ready to burst in tears, but tears of joy.

Ahh, reveling a sappy moment.

EDIT- seeing the reaction around here, I'd really love to know how deep XW's stomache sank to know I was there, and she, the costodial parent was not.

[kat727]

I think it would depend if she is still in her fog or not. Situations that would upset a normal person have seemingly no effect on ex. He is so wrapped up in his fog that he can't see his hand in front of him.

I hope she feels it and knows that she is letting her kids down because that might be the thing to get her to change her behavior.

kat

[dday101798]

I hope she feels it and knows that she is letting her kids down because that might be the thing to get her to change her behavior.

kat

Well, knowing the trends of my darling ex, she has not called or texted. If she was still in 'the fog' she would have, just to find something in it to fight about. The silence, says she knows.

EDIT, scary part is, I (we've) had a great weekend and now this and I feel so damn good. Have to keep an eye out for the next bombshell she'll send my way, I forgot, NOT allowed to be happy, oh yeah, that was when I was left behind, so nevermind.

But no doubt something will be chucked my way soon enouhg

[NoCodeBlues]

I think you need to take a breather from kid issues, sounds like it's bringing you down.

The kid issues are fine -- it's the ex-spouse issues that do affect me, but not like they used to.

My exW is the poster child for people damaged by their own parents' divorce. Much to my never ending chagrin, I watched my spouse change almost overnight from someone who despised how her own mother abandoned her family and three different husbands into someone who not only embraced this wayward parent but also eagerly accepting her kool-aid regarding the "virtues" of D. xW has become a carbon-copy of the very person she had begged me to never let her become like. She has always loved her mother (much to her credit), but until just before the bomb, xW has always expressed great disappointment and hurt from MIL's utter selfishness.

I am saying this for two reason. One is that my xW tries very hard to convince herself and others that our D was necessary for her "happiness" and her very survival -- and the corollary is that her H (me) was not only a hindrance to these goals, but wholly unnecessary for parenting our kids. She now buys into MIL's long-standing sentiment that husbands and fathers are totally unnecessary. Two, this all means that my xW really does have delusions that her life and the life of our S's would be all the more better with me out of the picture.

Now I am not saying I buy into this insanity. Quite the contrary. I know she can never do that.

But I do have to keep these things in mind as I can never really trust xW or her ulterior motives. As long as she is still dating OM she will continue to have her fantasies about getting me out of the picture -- I know her enough to know that's precisely how she thinks. This exactly matches MIL's own MO and history.

But I am sorry if I seem so down all the time about this. I know I always seem too intensely fixed on this, but it's like having a rattlesnake coiled up in the middle of your living room -- you really don't want to take your eyes off of it even if it is not rattling at the moment.

The positive part of this it is training me to be both more patient and more diligent. I'm learning to be a snake-handler. LOL.