Newbie (again)

[sandi2]

I think you could ask Fighting Fit b/c she has lived both sides of the fence. I think she would tell you .......well, I better let her answer for herself.

If you want, I can find her and ask her to stop by.


Sandi

[dday101798]

Hi Sandi,

Nah, it's ok, the pitty party has dibursed.

That said, I'm getting much, much better at this. I'm certain my evening slumps the past few days are in light of the events that occured this week one year ago. But overall, I now have the ability to wake up in the morning, brush it off and go about day in positive manner.

So, today is another day to just phush along and make it the best it can be. Interesting to see if XW goes on another texting bout today. And if so, I just have to remind myself not to get sucked in to it all and just let it ride.

Guess they are doing a long weekend downstate as she said she's taking them to demolition derby down there that we always wanted to go to but something always got in the way. Don't see the sense of coming all the way back up when it's over. Must be nice to have all this time off work?

[dday101798]

well, nothing all day thus far.

Don't know if XW was just testing the water out or what. Atleast I can say I think I did fairly well in not putting up any idicators of my 'excitment' to converse with her leasurely.

Guess it's just mainly after all the hostility of the D, it's nice to have.

[dday101798]

Ugh, this is going to be a trying day.

Didn't hear a thing the whole day yesterday, not even from the boys. ON my way into work this morning, OM's car was in front of "her" (might as well call it their) house, meaning they didn't go to the derby, so at least in my absence, nothing has changed on that aspect.

The boys must be pissed and giving her hell. They enjoy the local derby we used to go to, but just got ridiculously overpriced and it gained in popularity.

Anyway, here we are finally, the anniversary of the discovery of the A. At first this morning, I was upset about it. But a couple cups of coffee and a shower and then I came to this conclusion:

Yeah, given it's circumstance, it's crumby thing to think about, after all it was the confirmation the M was in serious jeapordy. However, it's the anniversary of new lives:

Mine: I'm free of the tirany of manipulation. I'm free of the lies and the stories and constant bombardment and insecurities of XW. I now only take what I chose from her, and walk away from the rest. I am finally free to what I want, when I want with whomever I want, instead of having to answer XW every 5 minutes what I'm doing when I'm out. I am free.

XW's: Confined, Miserable, will have to spend the rest of her days asking herself, what have I done? Will have to spend the rest of her dayd looking her children in the face and will ahve to deal with forever why their father is not with them 24/7 as he should. Everything she will forever look at, talk about, or do, will be a constant reminder of the poor choices she has made.

And back to being confined, and probably the rationale behind the sudden communication. She is now confined to a relation with OM. Who else can she turn to immediately to replace whatever finances he provides shoud they part?

When I relected and came up with this this morning, I now know why everytime XW complains about work, money and living conditions, I have but one simple response that drops her face telling me it hit her to the core and the above is true:

"Well Tracy, this is what you wanted"

[mishka422]

Confined, Miserable, will have to spend the rest of her days asking herself, what have I done? Will have to spend the rest of her dayd looking her children in the face and will ahve to deal with forever why their father is not with them 24/7 as he should. Everything she will forever look at, talk about, or do, will be a constant reminder of the poor choices she has made.

Of course, you are assuming that she has true remorse for what she has done and regrets it. She may be remorseful, but she hasn't voice regret has she? If so, I'm sorry, I must have missed it.

Remorse = I'm sorry I hurt you in this way

Regret = I'm sorry I did this, please forgive me, please accept me, help me. I want out of the situation I'm in.

BIG difference. We can assume all we want about their R's with their OP, however we don't know for certain the reality. Try not to turn up those first three letters and and a$$ of 'u' and 'me'!

[dday101798]

Of course, you are assuming that she has true remorse for what she has done and regrets it. She may be remorseful, but she hasn't voice regret has she? If so, I'm sorry, I must have missed it.

Remorse = I'm sorry I hurt you in this way

Regret = I'm sorry I did this, please forgive me, please accept me, help me. I want out of the situation I'm in.

BIG difference. We can assume all we want about their R's with their OP, however we don't know for certain the reality. Try not to turn up those first three letters and and a$$ of 'u' and 'me'!

Yes Mish, you must have missed it.

Much like around New Years Last Thursday and I did post it here, I did openly and fully get the remorse portion. Regret, not so much, not yet, I got the "I'm sorry part" but unlike New Years she has not yet asked for forgiveness or help for a possible way out. Relation with OM, again, not yet, but I did New Years.

Problem now, if my ass-um-ption is right as all indicators say, she should have stuck with it New Years as now, any chance of anything between us is pretty much gone. Far too much has transpired in the last 7 months since. Far too many people have been hurt, far too much healing on my end has occured that at this moment, there is no way in heck I'd ever purposely allow myself to be subjected to.

I analyze very carefuly everything she does or says, every reaction, every twitch as I simply don't trust her anymore. I gave her that trust one last final time New Years and she opted the 'easy way out'. But she ever so close to making the 'right' choice.

Now, she regrets that choice, and that was voiced last week. I just don't think she has the brass to come out and ask of my help.

So, no, I don't truly know what the deal is with her relation anymore, but she did this directly in front of OM. And wether or not anything more should become of it, it's a huge step towards my amends with her.

And, in conjunction with my reflection on each of our lives now, validates the belief of what her life is now, at least she is miserable, that I know.

[dday101798]

Posted on 7/6/09

XW seemed to be having a rough go of reality Thursday night when I picked up the boys. First thing that got her I don't really understand, my cousin had called to say she was going to be out for a little bit but should be back in time for dinner. I told her "no big deal, I'm picking up the boys from 'the ex's". I caught XW's face out of the corner of my turning pale white and just so upset looking, huh?

Then we got into talking about the child support paperwork not being submitted to my work for automoatic withdrawl and I asked her if she could check with her attorney on what the hold up is as they won't return my calls. This seemd to erk her and got her started about finances and how questionable things are looking on where they will live, but she "has til the end of the month to decide, but doesn't want to go downstate and give up her job as life is messed up enough already".

So, in response I got into how mine has been turned upside down financially and told her that it looks like the best option is for me to try the Navy again. I went throught my reasons, feeling like a burden to my cousin, if and when I do get a place of my own it will likely only be a studio apartment of which I refuse to live in any type of apartment and besides, I'll be working all the time so what's the point? So since I have all but 5 boxes of stuff to summarize the last 34 years of my life, it really makes sense to do it.

This prompted the kicker: A full on apology for her doing this. For once, I actaully believe it. I saw the unquestionable uncertanty in her eyes and for once I can safely say she is starting to realize that the grass isn't as green as seemed and by jumping ship and ending the M for OM was not the better option afterall.

[mishka422]

I do remember that. I'm just saying that feeling bad about it, having remorse and regretting her decision doesn't mean anything really in the long run. She will continue to make decisions based solely on her own best interests of the moment and it's going to take caution on your part to keep from being sucked into her self-created drama.

You are doing really well! I think that the moves you are making with respect to your future are positive steps. Have you seriously pursued the Navy career? Just an aside...how old are you? I'm guessing from a comment you made about boxing up everything from 34 years you mean you are 34. The services are innundated right now with people wanting to enlist because of the economy so they are being extremely picky. This is one of the few times in history they have had the luxury of being choosy. They used to have a cut off age of 35 but I don't know if they still do.

Try not to over-anaylize what she is saying or doing. That kind of thinking can lead you to serious depression (um, hello.....taking my own advice now thanks!).

[dday101798]

And that caution I am excercising. The only worth I give her statements and actions right now is it is settling some of the issues and bringing closure, not to indicate the desire to R on her part. If that is her intent and she makes that known one day, she is going to get hit with the same boundaries as before and more, and I know she will not agree to them.

Besides, on the uphill climb I am on right now, why the heck would I want to dive right in to unhealthy ordeal? No-no, IF and that's a bigass IF she has a slightest thought R, she has a lot of work to do, and a lot of time it is going to take.

As for my future, yes the Navy is a serious concideration. I do not have anything left of my possessions, I'm up to my eyeballs in debt, lost 45% of my income for the next 7 years, refuse to sap off anyone when things get worse, and I simply refuse to work 18 hours a day to "live" in a apartment. So, the options are few and far between right now.

Much as she is living the life she doesn't want, so am I, but with one major difference, I am free, free to to make my own decisions from here on in on how to make my life better for myself.

[dday101798]

hmmm, one more amend made, and without the interaction of XW.

I was searching for a document saved on my hard drive, and low and behold I came across a file folder of the final few letters and their respectvie drafts that I had given to XW when vocal communication was crippled, the first of which, written one year ago today for XW to read while she was supposed to be at her father's house "getting her head together".

I am ver happy and enlightned to say that I didn't as bad as I thought re-reading them. I actually was a very respective and patient LBS. They were completely validating and compassionate to the situation unlike some of the things I've seen others write to the WAS' in recent days.

So, another piece of personal serenity achieved. I wish I could say the same for our conversations of the area, those didn't go so well, but from day one when we met, when we got into issues, we were both so darn bull-headed to have our way and always cleared the air with a nice heart felt letter.

So, yeah, that makes me feel much better on top of already being better.