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((Dusk))

How are you? Let us know when you get a chance!


Me: 39 H: 39
S: 15
M: 18 years
Bomb: 6/3/09
H moved out: 10/15/09
H moved back:5/30/10

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TY BIM and LFA, I am...coping. I can sorta "function" today. The test was just as painful as i remembered. Even with all the caffein i took in the day before it was pretty brutal. I went in to ER thurs evening and they did a blood patch. Im better now, just weak. My H never even called. I had a lot of support tho from my friends. Im going to go back and lay down, just wanted to let you guys know I was "ok".


Dusk

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((ashlee)) i tried to look in on all ur sitchs but just cant right now. I'll look in on you guys in a couple of days.

Dusk

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((Dusk)) It was good to hear from you. Hang in there. You've come such a long way already.


Me: 39 H: 39
S: 15
M: 18 years
Bomb: 6/3/09
H moved out: 10/15/09
H moved back:5/30/10

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smile...Im doing ok, no word from h. Dont think i will for a while tho. He still checks my music daily but i havent been in any shape to really work on anything. Right now Im just following dr's orders and trying to work thru my medical stuff. My marriage and h are on the back burner right now. I never thought i would do that, but i really need to take care of myself and work thru this. When Im feeling better and gain some strength I will take another look at where me and h are and go from there. I miss him, but it's not painful anymore.

I cant really GAL right now, i just cant do much atm. I watch movies when Im awake and listen to music, talk to my friends. I cant really get around or get out. Gives me way too much time to think, when Im lucid anyway. Sometimes I just physically hurt so much I cant think at all. So I sleep. Not sure this was the way i wanted help in detaching, but thats how it goes sometimes I suppose.

I havent cried about him since last wed. I was expecting some word from him i guess. When I realized he prob wasnt going to call me, for whatever reason he has, I stopped crying. I cant worry about him, or his reasons, I certainly cant depend on him. So I will get myself thru this alone, and with the support that has been offered. Once Im stronger, I will see what I want to do. I still want my H back. I just cant put any effort into it right now. All my energy is spent on my own health.

I wondered if that was selfish of me, to put our sitch aside like this. I have a choice i know, I am choosing to take care of myself. Im in enough pain without causing myself more by expecting anything from him and being continuously disappointed. Right now, my health literally depends on it. Funny how things can change your perspective in such a short time, and open your eyes to what you were really thinking and doing, even on a subconscious level.

Letting go was so hard ... then my health went south and I HAD to let go. Im sure a lot of ppl here may not understand that. I love my H. As much now as I ever did. I just cant risk my health over him anymore.

Im just rambling I know, sry if its a hard read. Just a lot of thought in my head, trying to get them down and in any kind of order is a bit difficult for me right now. I will get better.

Im staying dark, if he contacts, then fine, but I cant hurt myself anymore by expecting some acknowledgment from him. Thats seems to be a common theme. We say we are going dark but want so much for our S to see that and instantly come running back. When they dont, we get hurt, and handle that pain in whatever way each of us does. If it builds up, then we backslide, again, hurting ourselves. They wont contact until they are ready, not when we are ready. I dont think he is thinking about me, or worried about me, he is distracted by OW. Im sure guilt plays a part in it on his side, but thats not my problem. I know I was very dependent on him for support thru my health issues. I believe that may have helped pushed him away. Im not excusing what he has done, because he really screwed up, but I can see how my own dependence may have scared him. Having a healthy OW is a lot easier than a sick wife. Wow. sry i laughed for some reason at that.

There IS progress in my sitch, i know this, he does check my music profile daily when he wasnt before. I take it for what it is and then dismiss it now. I have a dr appt this afternoon and will look in on you guys later today.

Thanks to everyone here for the support you have given me.

Dusk

Last edited by PainfulDusk; 10/14/09 03:08 PM.
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I am feeling a lot better. Actually managed to walk into the kitchen without feeling like my back and legs were being tortured. Had a moment last night when I thought of my H. Was bittersweet, esp since I know he went to see OW, thx to a friend who thought I needed to know. I am dealing with it. I miss him, or at least I miss the H i married, not the one I am married to atm.

I have several friends who come and check on me, and they are rotating who stays with me so Im not here alone at night. Mostly in case I have a bad spell and need medical attn. So far I seem to be doing ok tho.

I looked in on my site, have some great critiques and one person that seems to just hate my music no matter what I write. He/she is my troll and I was wondering when it would rear his/her ugly head. lol.

My h has checked in several times it looks like, but it had tapered off end of this week. Who knows. He didnt say anything, and I know he knows I was in for testing last week. One thing i have learned, is not to ask questions Im not prepared to hear the answer to. Right now he is in love with OW and I am a burden. Lovely huh?

My mp3 player got lost somewhere. Yes this is a crisis situation!!!! =) I have ordered another one. I sent ppl all over the place trying to find it. Yes i cried like a little girl. Thankfully I have my music backed up all over the place.

Im trying to look in on as many of you guys as I can before I get worn out. My stamina is just gone.

Dusk

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Hi Dusk,
Hope you are feeling better, sounds like a slow recovery. I hope your pain lessens soon. You are right to take it easy & put your health before H & the M.
[quote=PainfulDusk
Im staying dark, if he contacts, then fine, but I cant hurt myself anymore by expecting some acknowledgment from him. Thats seems to be a common theme. We say we are going dark but want so much for our S to see that and instantly come running back. When they dont, we get hurt, and handle that pain in whatever way each of us does. If it builds up, then we backslide, again, hurting ourselves. They wont contact until they are ready, not when we are ready. I dont think he is thinking about me, or worried about me, he is distracted by OW. Im sure guilt plays a part in it on his side, but thats not my problem. I know I was very dependent on him for support thru my health issues. I believe that may have helped pushed him away. Im not excusing what he has done, because he really screwed up, but I can see how my own dependence may have scared him. Having a healthy OW is a lot easier than a sick wife. Wow. sry i laughed for some reason at that.

[/quote]
I can really relate. What you have written here is pretty much exactly how I'm feeling. At this point its going on a month since any contact from H. No emails, nothing. I'm OK (am on ADs & I think that helps alot!) but also am sad. Last week I found charges on our credit card & checking acct. that indicate he has moved, & I believe he's moved in w OW. So I keep on w no contact, & am going about doing my L paper work, looking into getting own checking acct., separating our cell phone plan etc. etc. I do not expect contact but when it gets me down I come here & look at how others are coping w this. I agree, our Hs are not thinking about us. It's weird, like he's dead or something. Just totally cut himself out of my life. I too have thought alot about things I have done wrong, or wish I did differently. It's really hard sometimes.
Please keep taking care of yourself, I'm pulling for you! Hope you have a good weekend!
LFA

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Dusk- I had no idea that you were dealing with health issues on top of this crapola. I hope you are feeling better today. I am thinking of you.


Me 37
H 41
2-dd's (2,3)
T-14
M-10
D-Day 6/18/09 (MOW ended their brief "love" affair a few weeks later)
Separated- 7/3/09
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Things have gotten better for me. Im feeling MUCH better and am able to get around again. Im even going out for lunch today. Its going to be slow, but in time I will be able to get around more. Im taking it a little at a time. Lunch today, then maybe in a couple of days, I will get out again. Short little jaunts for a while tho. Im so happy to be able to get out a little today and do something =).

No contact in 19 days from H. I havent contacted either. He was with OW over the weekend I know, but seems to have stopped reading my music. Checked once yesterday, altho I havent done much because of my health. Is this a backslide?

I didnt realize it had been almost 3 weeks until one of my friends asked me if he had called me yet. I'll admit I had a pang of heartache for a minute. He seems so....gone now. Cut me out of his life completely. In a small fit of .... anger? jealousy? disgust? ...not sure, I almost blocked him on FB. I didnt, we arent on friend lists now and havent been for quite some time. Hard when it pulls up as a suggestion because of mutual friend. *sigh* Well it doesnt happen THAT often, but his profile pic is of them both. (grrrr)

In the meantime , Im working on getting my health up. I really am doing a lot better.....Been having a lot of nightmares about my H getting hurt. Is this normal? Hard enough to get rest without that.

Dusk

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Quote:
Been having a lot of nightmares about my H getting hurt. Is this normal?


That depends. Is it you doing the hurting? wink


Me 37
H 41
2-dd's (2,3)
T-14
M-10
D-Day 6/18/09 (MOW ended their brief "love" affair a few weeks later)
Separated- 7/3/09
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