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smile thx browni...

I went out last night with some friends. Nothing major, just went for food, then went downtown to goof off for a while. I wasnt in any mood for a club. I had a good time. Had a guy give me his cell # and ask me to txt him sometime. I must have had a very odd look on my face , then told him I was married. THEN one of my dam friends said, yea but not HAPPILY and he's out of the country with someone else. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I calmly pointed out that my marriage wasnt up for public scrutiny. The guy said if I ever needed someone to talk to that wasnt biased to let him know. I thanked him and walked away. I had so many different emotions going thru my head at that point I was spinning for a bit. I have no intention of EVER calling the guy and thru his number out the car window. Then i realized, guys will say just about anything to get with a girl. Then I thought, why is my h the only one allowed to have someone to be with while I am alone. Then realized, its because he's selfish and immature. So then i wondered, why cant i have someone unbiased to talk to? Then realized, because thats NOT what this guy wants ands its highly inappropriate and setting myself up for more problems. Anyway, I went thru this whole line of thinking in about 3 min, then pushed it out of my mind. We all went to coffee (I had tea) and later i went home. Started watching a movie and fell asleep on the couch about 5 min into it, lol.

I feel ok today. Very tired, and paying for walking so much last night. Im sore sore sore. Still had a good time and glad I got out.

As for my anger yesterday... I ended up throwing a glass against the wall. Im not strong enough to break it. Sad huh. But I felt better and went on with my day.

Thx for the support guys, some days its all that gets me thru.


Dusk

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I had a very quiet peaceful day yesterday. Nice change huh?

I have testing today, not looking forward to any of that. I get so tired of them. Hopefully they will have SOME kind of news for me. At this point not knowing is more stressful than knowing something is bad wrong.

Update on h....no contact, didnt expect it and Im not too bothered by it. A mutual friend of ours sent me a link where my h had dedicated a song to ...someone...our friend thinks its me...who knows. I listened to it....figured well, no sense getting worked up over it right? Im doing ok today. kinda......calm actually. lol other than being nervous about the blood tests today.

Hope everyone has a great day. hugs to all of you

Dusk

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Hi Dusk,
I have been reading your thread & just want to offer my support. You have been through so much. It's good you came here to help get your anger out. Brownie gave you good advice though, I hope you work past the anger. Good advice I got was, stop looking for logic & reason with the WAS. It is really hard to detach, & I am not there yet either, but wanted to give you this link I saw somewhere on this board a while ago - can't remember who posted it but thank you whoever it was!
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

I read it over & over, it really helps. Please try to stay healthy & take care of yourself, & focus as much as you can on you & not on your H, easier said than done I know! Wishing you peace & health,
LFA

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Thanks for the link LFA and the support. Got yet another email from another acct with pics of my H and his new gf. Im still not sure who is sending the emails. Ive tried tracing the IP but they seem to be sending them from a cell phone. Have to admit it made me cringe inside, I deleted the email and made some tea. Nothing I can do about it, I am in the process of changing over to a temp email for now until this stops. \

No contact from him, but he checked my music profile again. I noted it and uploaded my song. Didn't seem to bother as quite as much.

Now for the biggie...Im going in for a spinal tap next week. I barely managed the last one, it hurt so bad and triggered a migraine that i thought would kill me before anything else did. I havent told my friends here about it yet. I dont want to go in alone, but feel like a baby asking anyone. My H "stayed" with me thru the last one. By txts and cell but it was a huge help emotionally. I still had a hard time with it. Now I have to do it again and ...Im scared. I have a therapy session tomorrow , so I will prob talk about that more than anything. Too much to put into words for some reason....Im going to work on some music right now. That helps me more than anything sometimes.

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Couldnt sleep . Been listening to music and goofing off online. I logged into my game for about an hour or so last night. I was on about 5 min before i was told my H had logged in too. I told them ok and went on. We havent been playing the same hours so I have to admit I was surprised to hear that.

Went to my music profile to see if any critiques had posted yet. A couple had, so i will work on that tomorrow. I noticed my H had been there again. For some reason, it made me laugh. I think I must be losing it. I thought it was so dam funny he had checked it again. I havent seen his in a few days. Not like I can change his profile and make him not see her anymore. I did find out that the song was in fact intended for me. Im not going to respond or even mention that I heard it. Interpretation is so personal, what I hear and feel may not be what he hears and feels. So im leaving it alone. Was an interesting choice tho. Any of you ever just wanna take a 2X4 and whack them upside the head and go...LOOK! lol

I had a heart to heart with a friend of mine. She is going to go in with me when I have the test done. I felt like such a whiner , but she was understanding and said there was no way she would let me go thru it alone. Im relieved. I have a therapy session this morning, hopefully it will go well.

Dusk

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Hi Dusk,
I am glad your friend is going with you. You should not go alone for that procedure! I am supposed to have outpatient surgery in Oct. & need to have someone w me to drive me there & back. For the past 12 yrs., it would have been H. I asked the dr., can I just walk? (office is close to my house). They said no. So I have to find someone to take me, during the work week. You are not being a baby, it's OK to ask for help. Take care Dusk & hope it all goes better this time.

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smile still feel like a big baby tho.

Had a "decent" therapy session. Spent most of it crying. Not sure i got my moneys worth , but other than a little headache and sore eyes I felt better.

I spent the rest of my day working on my music and making the changes I wanted to. Uploaded the revised piece, and low and behold, H checked my page 3 times tonight. No word from him tho. Im not going to bother blocking him , it doesnt bother me to see it now. Hopefully that will last :P. He also hasnt blocked me back on FB. I am going to take this as a baby step and wait until he contacts. Im too stressed about my test and busy anyway. I DO care, its just... I dunno, ..he knows how to reach me.

In other news...a very good friend of mine is coming into town this sat to visit. So Im excited about that ^^

Dusk

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Had a decent day today. NOthing really going on, H checked my profile again. I rolled my eyes, but did note it. Got some very good critiques on my piece. SO im very pleased.

Went and did some shopping therapy. Just picked up a few things and a new sweater. Yea, its sexy, I know he isnt here but I really liked it and who knows.

Nothing going on tonight. Gonna be lazy and watch some cheesy movies.

Dusk

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Hey Dusk! I've been laying low for a week or so just trying to GAL. I'm reading one of Michelle's other books- How to Change your Life and Everyone in it.- So far, it is great. I am letting things roll of my back right now.

But to you... I am glad your friend is going with you. You will be in my prayers. You sound pretty good, btw. Take care.

BIM


BIM
M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11

my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127




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smile I am doing a little better emotionally. Actually got some sleep last night .yay!

Ok, here's my new problem......

A couple of the songs I uploaded for critique were based on my feelings and thought s of what I have been going thru. Do I feel the same way now? Sometimes, but the point is, Im a musician/song writer and I write what I feel and experience. My H has been checking my songs out I guess, and he is , according to a mutual friend, upset and thinks I now hate him. I know what song he listened to and yea more than one person beleives it is about a person not an action. I dont feel the need to explain myself nor do I think it would matter. Like Ive said b4, interpretation is personal. My biggest concern is how this will affect progress in my sitch with my H. I cant stop him from listening to my music, and Im sure as hell not going to stop writing. I know im not supposed to talk to HIM about my feelings or pursue and lately Ive been doing very well and not contacting him at all, nor am I looking at his profile. AM I supposed to not work and create music? Just so he doesn't get upset? I think that's bullshyt. I had one suggestion to only write happy music. Well , here's a news flash, I WASNT happy when I wrote the song. I fully intend to record it on my next demo. Its a good song!!!

SO , here's my question..... do i ignore this and go about my business like I normally would? I don't worry about how ppl interpret my music. normally. I really feel like this isnt my problem, I wouldnt care if it was someone else. Im just not wanting to lose any ground with my H. I didnt ask him to check it out or listen to it, and he is obviously not going to ask me about it. Not right now anyway. If this pushed him away, that bothers me, but I cant do anything about it. Im truly afraid that if I put any kind of explaination up on the meaning of the lyrics , that it will do more damage. The action was still by HIM. /sigh Im not upset over this, Im not crying, Im perplexed. Any input will be helpful.

Wow, i just had another inspiration about being nothing but a statistic. ... off to the keyboard i go....

Dusk

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