Dreams of a New Normal...

[AlexEN]

H knows I'm a bit sick...texted lasted night "you feeling alright?"

Am I to ignore this? Feels a bit petty.

Yes, and it's not petty...

[aliveandkicking]

Seriously, if he was sick with the kids and I asked him, and he ignored me, I'd find it really silly.

[aliveandkicking]

I obviously need to get clearer on what I'm doing in the communication department. I do ignore most communications but I don't want to convey contempt or hostility or that I'm so distraught I can't even communicate, none of which is true...I am in a much more neutral place.

It just seems pissier than I really feel to ignore certain communications.

Help set me straight here, please.

[Thinker]

Just do what my W would have done to me when I sent her such a text -- a 1-word answer: "fine"

It answers the question, fills the requirement to respond, and still leaves him unsatisfied (believe, me, I know ).

[aliveandkicking]

Why would I do what your wife would have done?

I mean, I'm cool with one word but it still seems so pissy.

I think I need to get clear on what I'm doing because in this area it isn't coming naturally. I'm not pissed or hostile right now. I am just living my life.

Plus, I'm not fine, I have a head cold, dammit.

[Thinker]

Depends on what you want. If you want to hook him and keep his mind on you, then use the 1-word answer.

you reply "just a cold"

which is a bit longer and less snippy, but still minimal.

[aliveandkicking]

What I want is to have stability and sanity for my kids and myself...hooking him in may or may not contribute to that goal.

Seriously, I want to get out of the mindset of trying to save the M and into the mindset of negotiating effectively and getting what I deserve in our D. If by some miracle a R happened, good, I guess, but I am just not seeing it anymore.

So, my communication should lead to what is going to benefit me and my kids.

And, yes, Gucci if you're checking in, I read your advice. Is the goal hooking him in or moving on with my life? Cuz I want to follow your advice but then I need MAJOR support in dealing with the potential drama...

[Coach]

Cuz I want to follow your advice but then I need MAJOR support in dealing with the potential drama...

You avoid drama by ignoring it. Drama is a way for people to get their way. Drama is not behavior you want to reward.

What I want is to have stability and sanity for my kids and myself...

Would that be a drama free place??????????????

[aliveandkicking]

Ok Coach, but please help me here. Ignoring, we obviously know, "hooks" in the other person more than a short response.

I don't get any drama if I am short and set boundaries (I don't respond to personal stuff, or the poem etc) but an inquiry about my health, not sure.

Oh, and I'm harping on this one because I want to get clear and stay on track. Thanks!

[gucci loafer]

Is the goal hooking him in or moving on with my life? Cuz I want to follow your advice but then I need MAJOR support in dealing with the potential drama...

MOVING ON WITH YOUR LIFE...

Hooking him in may be a side bonus..

They don't come back until you let go. Let go...

Time for you to start setting the "rules"....

I told you the other day.. He is a drama "queen".. because you have allowed him to be...

Time to start showing him.. NO MORE.

You seem like a very intelligent woman. My take is that you are as addicted to the drama as he is. Drama sometimes keeps us from facing reality or the ho hum of everyday life or from boredom... It seems like you want to be the better arguer or find some great verbal comment that will suddenly wake him up..

Go read Redsoxfan's new thread.... It is the script that I keep pointing out to you and others...

Check out when he "suddenly" decided he couldn't live without his wife. Textbook of what I keep saying...

Your choice... It isn't about anyting but YOU MOVING ON. If he comes back because he senses that you have moved on,then that is a bonus and gives you yet another choice. It will give you negotiating power for him to make necessary changes. If not, it doesn't matter because you have moved on. It is a decision to move on just as it is a decision to love someone.