UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi everyone
Despite being in the same DB’ing trench as many of you that I have been reading about, I fear that my situation is quite different due to being quite literally, alone in the world. All the books and self-help literature that I have been reading are full of surrounding oneself with friends and family and getting out to do stuff so that the lonely times become filled – well here’s the thing …

WAH and I emigrated to Australia four years ago this coming October after picking ourselves up and getting on with life after I was incorrectly diagnosed with a terminal illness. We wanted a fresh start and as we have always loved it being just the two of us – the emigration thing held no fear that we were going to be here alone and making a new life - just the two of us, madly in love and utterly faithful to one another, so cosseted and the envy of our friends for the past sixteen years.

I have struggled quite badly with the whole process, whilst H has taken to it like a duck to water. He can’t understand that I have been desperately homesick (despite me having lived abroad as a child) and it’s a shock to me too, as it was mostly my idea to leave the UK. I have been home to visit twice since we came out – once alone and once back in October with H.

Over the time, we have made a few friends here but none seem to work out for long – most ex-pats appear to have a hidden agenda. H says that I have stopped him from making friends as I have threatened that we will go back to the UK or move on to another country – I may have said that over time but I have also tried to give this my all and settle in to a life which I knew that H was loving.

Struggling at work, it was a joint decision that I give up my job back last February as the pressures were far to much for either of us to bear. It was starting to affect us both as I was constantly upset. Since then, the global crisis has hit hard and suitable work has been increasingly difficult for me to find within my professional capacity. The result of this is that I now have no financial independence and have become entirely reliant upon WAH for every cent.

Over the sixteen years of our marriage, WAH has actually been quite distant at times and wouldn’t ‘let me in’. I have tried everything to get him to open up to me – including explaining, shouting, threatening and finally telling him that I would walk if he did not come to the party and tell me what the issue was. Our s*x life suffered as a result and over the past few years, once every seven months seemed like the norm! He now tells me that our physical R was ‘average’ but I think that is purely a message to cause as much hurt as it has. We discussed his low libido no amount of talking improved the situation. I finally decided that he was a good H, it was not worth rocking the boat and so settled back into a marriage that was filled with love and mutual respect – or so I thought. He appeared totally content in a brother/sister R and so we carried on …

However, it seems that things for WAH were much worse and he seems to have been coming to crisis point without having said a word to me. He disputes this and says that he has told me over and over that he was unhappy. He did ask me once to go for MC with him but I refused – not believing that we had problems of that magnitude and not believing that he felt as desperate as he evidently did. He now says that he actually asked me lots of times to help sort out our problems but I know that he did not. We have always talked, put a band-aid over it and moved on.

On the 17th anniversary of our first ever meeting (have been married for 16 years on 11 Sept), WAH drops ILYBINILWY bomb. Shocked beyond all recognition, I immediately did the knee jerk reaction and flew back to the security of friends and family in the UK – which turned out to be a big mistake. He told me that I should only book a one way flight, which I foolishly did, taking as much of my life with me that I could pack in to a 20kgs bag. After 2 weeks of staying with my sister and in a permanent state of numbness, I got a call from H’s friend who said “get back home – go now – you will regret it if you don’t”. I called H and told him that I was on my way back and gave him the date that I had planned to return when bombshell #2 hit me in the guts.

H had planned a weekend away – turns out that he was going to see the ‘work colleague’ with whom he had been confiding in for the past few months. The tramp lives interstate and so the date that I had chosen for flying home was now “not convenient” for him to pick me up at the airport. I was livid – but not as much as when I got home and finally found out that plans had changed and he had brought her to our home instead. It took him about three weeks to acknowledge that it was a selfish act and that he should not have done so. He swears that nothing happened, though he admits to having slept in the same bed – fortunately not ours. I believe him on that.

Since then, things became as bad as you would imagine them to be. I hit rock bottom, called him on all of his actions and started to release the emotion that I had kept locked away, whilst staying with friends and family in the UK over the past month. Meanwhile, he was hatching his poison and sending out nasty emails to all our friends, which has in turn alienated them all from me – from us both, if what he says is true. I have little or no contact with them now and his parents have totally cut me off – though I have done nothing wrong. One night, before H became WAH, I knocked over a photo-frame, H called the police to report that he felt that his personal safety was under threat. Ten minutes after the police had left (and sided with me, I might say) he was sat on my bed, holding my hand and asking how we had come to this – where had our trust gone. Two nights later, he moved out. Is this MLC? He says no and is sick of everyone saying that it is.

As if it could, it went from bad to worse after that. He has hung up the phone on me, ignored emails and generally made me feel like the most worthless creature crawling this earth if I say one word that he doesn’t like, or he feels offends him. To add to my humiliation, he is now threatening me financially, saying that I have to find any work that I can to pay my half share of the mortgage and bills. H is evidently struggling to afford the mortgage and bills on our home, whilst he has taken himself a rented unit and the bills that also incurs. Of course, it would appear that he has, until recently, been flying interstate twice per month to visit ‘the colleague’ but last week something changed and I now feel that the situation is over – just stuff that he said, nothing definite and I didn’t ask – but neither did he deny when I said that I hoped that it had all gone pear-shaped. He had told me earlier in the week that he was in a bad mood, which appeared to persist all of last week. He came to see me on Friday to discuss ‘practicalities’ and he seemed quite at home and almost sad when it was time for him to leave. He was curled up on the couch the whole time that we were talking and he appeared to be more receptive to our conversation than he had previously.

However, when I tested the water (which I now know to be against DB’ing rules!) he was adamant that he will not consider MC as he never intends on coming back. In temper during one or two previous conversations, he did say that he would D me as soon as the year is out, as per the law here. Also in temper, I told him that I would go back to the UK so that I could file and, by mutual consent, this could all be over in a few short weeks, which was a bluff on my part. Nevertheless, he said NO, which excited me until I learned his reasons … he said that he would be financially disadvantaged and continues his stance on that.

In July, H ignored my birthday, which was particularly hurtful. He did send an SMS at lunch time which said “hope that your day is better than anticipated” … he has shown no remorse over that, though most birthdays with him in the past have been long weekends with champagne, roses, strawberries – the whole romantic nine yards. Knowing him as only I do, I feel that this has become a terminal situation for us but after having found DB’ing in the library last weekend, I am now so desperate to utilise the techniques and see if I can get the positive outcome that many others have achieved.

For now, it’s a tough uphill climb …almost broke off there to send him an email or SMS but I stopped myself, phew! He has left me alone in our large home and has little or no contact with me, despite him saying the contrary. I have had to work out the pool maintenance and other such domestic activities, which I have never been involved in. I’m proud that I have achieved those things so far! He is upping the pressure on the financial side all of the time but as I am not working, how can he expect me to contribute? I have tried for dozens and dozens of jobs in my professional capacity but am getting nowhere fast – he feels that it would be OK for me to get any job – whatever it is, no matter how much that may offend me professionally.

So, not working, no family, no friends, being told to cut down on the phone bill (mostly spent on calling his mobile as he doesn’t have a land-line phone) and still battling the builders who have been screwing us around with our new home for the past two years, I am DESPERATE. I am so very lonely here on my own and all I want is my best friend - my H – to come home. We are all that each other has here and I know that he is lonely too – but he will not consider anything that I have to say. He does not want to talk about where our M went wrong and says that it’s just going over the same ground that we have done over the years ... and he is tired of it. I am so frustrated. Other people’s WAS appear to give them time to talk – despite their situation. Why won’t my H do the same? Meanwhile, I sit in the house – cold now that it’s winter and afraid to put the heating on as it will just elevate the bills which we can ill afford. I can’t go far as I don’t like to take advantage of the petrol that would use and I am keeping all my ‘bills’ to a minimum, as best I can. People say to go join groups but as this is the most isolated capital city in the world, there just don’t seem to be any – unless you are over 60 years of age! All I hear is go out with girlfriends, have a make-over, go to the movies … nice but it just can’t be so for me right now.

Initially, I accused H of feeling guilty leaving me with all of this burden and he said that yes, he did feel very guilty. Three months on and he said that he sometimes has ‘pangs’ of guilt and misses me on occasion but overall, he’s no longer feeling such guilt and is moving on … all I can feel is the desperation each day that I wake up and realise that’s a day less that I will ever spend with him. He’s just moving so far away from me in such a short space of time …

I’m struggling to sort out my DB’ing techniques and I am on day two of my 180 in not contacting him … it’s killing me. I have been trying to do some useful stuff for myself, like going to the optometrist and getting a mammogram (!!) and have even set up some counselling for myself, starting tomorrow. H is aware of these things but purely says that it will be good for me to start looking after myself. He also said that if I could now meet someone (meaning a man), that would be great too … he states that he would be very pleased as I deserve to be loved and that none of this is my fault. I have been a good wife, according to him, so why won’t he talk and why isn’t he prepared to work on that …?

The very latest is that WAH is threatening me with putting the house on the market, which he can’t as I would have to agree. Instead, he’s threatening not to pay the mortgage in September and so the bank will end up repossessing - we both stand to lose everything that we have worked for over the past 20+ years. It’s pure blackmail.

Any pearls of wisdom at this point would be gratefully received. It’s just all eating me up and I’m so scared living in the house on my own. I can’t cry any more – I have no more tears left and yet the physical manifestation of this on-going torture has caused me to drop three dress sizes, with my eczema having returned with a vengeance. H sees all of this, when he does visit, but says that I look really well.

I’m so desperate – PLEASE HELP.

[girlfromoz]

Hi Eskimo Nell

I too am new to the site, 2 weeks now I think, time seems to stand still. I have no real advice as yet, as I am still learning but you will find good advice coming soon, everyone here is full of compassion and understanding and will do there best to help you get through.

My one piece of advice is don't beg, plead or cry that is most important and critical.

Will check back again soon.

Oz

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks girlfromoz - it certainly does seem that people here are more full of compassion than anyone else that I have managed to talk to (back home). I get the odd email but they don't get it - they are all so shocked and confused but also see that H has hurt me too much and I should bin him off and move on quickly. They all think that I am so strong but I am really as weak and wobbly as a new kitten. Their advice is to go home - but I don't want to.

Good luck with your sitch - I see that you are still in the same house and that would appear to be a big bonus.

Later .

[girlfromoz]

Won't be in the house together for much longer. Our settlement is next week and I still have not found somewhere for my D and I to live. As for my H he is going to live with a friend.

Try to keep smiling, I know it is hard though.

Oz

[Eskimo Nell]

Oh gee. I'm so sorry. That's my worse nightmare, I have to be honest. Have you prepared yourself for the day of moving out? If not, try to get some thoughts around that now.

When H came to pick up a bed and the bar fridge to take to his new place, I got really fired up and started throwing all the bags that I had packed for him and told him to take the lot ... not come back and forth to just cut me even deeper. He said that nothing was irreversible - and that's just 3 weeks ago. Now it feels like he has been gone forever.

My anger spilled over so badly and I am ashamed of the way I behaved - would hate for you to have to feel that way.

[JCJ]

Hi Eskimo Nell

It is so awful when the rug is pulled from under us like that. Have you read Divorce Remedy? The first step is to do that. The second step is to define what you want, in my post I am going to assume that as you are here it is to reconcile your marriage. Thirdly you are going to have to realise that your instincts will not generally serve you well at this time. I followed my instincts and the well-meaning advice of friends and family for 6 months and it drove my husband further and further away. Divorce busting is counter-intuitive but it gets results. Listen to the advice on here, the posters are very wise and you will find lots of support at this difficult time.

Now to address your post directly.

Divorce busting is about doing more of what works and stopping what doesn't. At first our instinct is to pursue and to try and talk to our spouses. It does not work and it makes them run further away from you.

I have struggled quite badly with the whole process, whilst H has taken to it like a duck to water... H says that I have stopped him from making friends... Struggling at work, it was a joint decision that I give up my job back last February... The result of this is that I now have no financial independence and have become entirely reliant upon WAH for every cent.

It sounds like you are quite dependent on your h. Look at what would be a 180 here (a 180 is to do the opposite of what you are doing now). It will help take the pressure off your h.

I have tried everything to get him to open up to me – including explaining, shouting, threatening and finally telling him that I would walk if he did not come to the party and tell me what the issue was.

I can tell you now that these things you have been trying to will not get him to talk to you. You cannot force someone to talk to you and the more you try the more they will clam up. This requires patience. He will talk to you when he is ready, probably when some of the anger and resentment he is showing you calms down, which it will, in time...

However, it seems that things for WAH were much worse and he seems to have been coming to crisis point without having said a word to me.

You are not alone in this. Many of us here experienced the same. That is why it is referred to here as the 'bomb' - dropping a bombshell.

H had planned a weekend away – turns out that he was going to see the ‘work colleague’ with whom he had been confiding in for the past few months

Keep an eye on this relationship. It is a red flag. This does not mean obsess, you will get more advice on how to deal with this from other posters I am sure.

instead. It took him about three weeks to acknowledge that it was a selfish act and that he should not have done so

At this time your husband will be acting in a selfish manner with little consideration to you. There is little you can do about this at the moment other than looking at boundaries of what you will and won't accept. I would say, don't pick on everything with him; let some things go but if it is a major issue set some boundaries with actions rather than words. A very wise poster said to me once 'would you rather be right, or happy?'

that. He has hung up the phone on me, ignored emails and generally made me feel like the most worthless creature crawling this earth if I say one word that he doesn’t like, or he feels offe

So have you been calling/ texting/ emailing on a regular basis? It hasn't been working so stop.

week. He came to see me on Friday to discuss ‘practicalities’ and he seemed quite at home and almost sad when it was time for him to leave. He was curled up on the couch the whole time that we were talking and he appeared to be more receptive to our conversation than he had previously

Did you do anything differently here to make him feel relaxed? As he relaxed did you?
However you then followed it up with pressure. If you see responsive behaviour like this again resist the urge to have a relationship talk. It is like you are trying to coax a timid animal. If they made a step towards you, you wouldn't pounce would you? You would carry on coaxing.

Well done on taking responsibility for the house stuff! That is great

He is upping the pressure on the financial side all of the time but as I am not working, how can he expect me to contribute? I have tried for dozens and dozens of jobs in my professional capacity but am getting nowhere fast – he feels that it would be OK for me to get any job – whatever it is, no matter how much that may offend me professionally

Without wanting to step on your toes here, it might be that you may have to. It is another thing for your h to resent you for and it will help you to meet new people in Australia and build up a social circle. I go back to the question, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

. Other people’s WAS appear to give them time to talk – despite their situation. Why won’t my H do the same?

My h has had one conversation with me about why he left and that was to tell me he didn't know why. A lot of the WAS's do not talk, especially the WAH. I have learnt that it is counter-productive to make them. After a while you will not need to talk, especially when things start getting better between you. Just hold off on that talk for now.

I’m struggling to sort out my DB’ing techniques and I am on day two of my 180 in not contacting him … it’s killing me. I have been trying to do some useful stuff for myself, like going to the optometrist and getting a mammogram (!!) and have even set up some counselling for myself, starting tomorrow

That is so great you are taking these steps. When I wasn't up for socialising I used to go to a movie on my own, it took my mind off the sitch for a few hours. I joined a choir in the evenings and slowly weaned my way back into civilisation. Sometimes, as Michele W-D says, you have to 'just do it'.

The very latest is that WAH is threatening me with putting the house on the market, which he can’t as I would have to agree. Instead, he’s threatening not to pay the mortgage in September and so the bank will end up repossessing - we both stand to lose everything that we have worked for over the past 20+ years. It’s pure blackmail

I don't want to push it, but he may renege on this if you started bringing in an income. It may slow proceedings. What do you think?

My telephone coach told me that the first step in reconcilliation is to reduce negative feelings towards you. What can you do/ change to reduce his negative feelings?

((((Eskimo Nell))) --- this is a hug! I know it seems impossible now but you will get through this. You will find lots of support here.

[Sanderika]

Hi there, Nell....

I have been at this for a very long time and it is just within the past year that things in my sitch have started to improve.

I am no expert, with that being said, I want to point out a few things here for you:

Please do not take me the wrong way, I want to try to help you.

First, I do believe that your H is most likely in a MLC. There are signs that point to that. His age, a possible affair, sudden departure from the marriage, selfish and controlling behaviors. There is always a trigger, like the death of a close friend or family member or an accident that caused him to question his mortality for examples. Has anything happened to H in the past 18 months let's say that would create a MLC for sure?

You will have more success if you know what you are dealing with. If this is a MLC, you are in this for a long time. The only person who can help him through it is him. It takes time and patience from you and lots of it. This ride can and will be extremely difficult and painful for you. If this is a MLC, you need to get strong and start makes changes right now.

Second, when I read your very long post about your story I see a woman who is absolutely dependant on H. You appear so dependant that it is unattractive. Your H is tired of being your life line for everything.

IMO, if you are going to save your marriage you need to make some very real changes in your world. Nell, you need to stop looking at H for your happiness and entertainment and support. You have got to get out there and find a place for you. Start by getting a job, anything for now. Meet some new friends. There are lots of ways, first through a job, maybe volunteering in an elementary school or hospital, join a social club like a book club or gardening club.

Your H is looking for a break. Your H wants to make some changes in his life. H is looking for fun and enjoyment in life again. You need to create a new Nell that H enjoys. I think if you make some changes in your attitude and outlook and stop coming across as needy and clingy H will see this. Whatever you try it has to be real and genuine and it has to be permanent.

I know for a fact your H is watching you and he will notice any changes you make he will also be able to notice if they are for real or fake.

I do not believe that your marriage is over yet, however, if you don't start today and come up with a plan to change you, H will not return to what is and what has been. It will be over.

I don't say this with meanness, I say this because I have been in your shoes.

Your H wants his girlfriend back..... YOU. H wants to be with someone who he can communicate with and socialize with and have fun with. He wants a girl who is strong, independent and can think for herself. Think back to how the two of you were when the relationship was really good. Get back to that place and who you were then.

You are going to have to be the one to make all the changes for now. Once H sees they are real he will follow suit and make some positive changes on his own. He is not going to do the work. As hard as it is and sounds, if you want him back you have to take on the burden to change and the work falls on your shoulders.

If everytime he talks to you you are begging, crying, doubtful, down, demanding of him, complaining, acting out the "pity party for one", etc..... H will not come around. Why should he it only brings him down. He wants changes and he needs them. Create them, start today......

Nell, start by changing your attitude to one of independence. Do not be negative in any way shape or form around H. Practice a changed behavior until it becomes a habit and the new you.


I have to get to work, I would love to help you. I am sorry if I seem unkind. I think you have a real chance to save this, only you won't if you don't start right now by doing a 180.

Make today the day Nell changes....

I will check back later today and read your thoughts and ideas.

Take care Nell, this is the best place to be for advice.

Sanderika

[SDFoundGirl]

I'm going to copy a post from Jen_Jam that helped me tremendously when my sitch was fresh. Read and reread it; follow her advice.

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Registered: 05/18/06
Posts: 965
Loc: Surrey, UK
OK, also wanted to post what worked for me - most of it will be a rehash of DR, but I thought I'd put it here as a real world example.
JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:

1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.

2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.

3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".

4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.

5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.

6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.

7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.

8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)

9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.

10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.

OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're readin this and thinknig your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once.
_________________________
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married) Sept 07 2005
Seperated Sept and Oct 2005
H moved back Nov 2005, things still bad
May 2006 - found this site
Oct 2006 - H recomitted
April 2007 - I began to feel normal again

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[Eskimo Nell]

Thank you all - JCJ, Sanerika and SDFoundGirl ... I will reply to your great advice when I get back ... just popping out for my first counselling session and have to drive miles to get there! Really appreciate you 'being with me'.

[Eskimo Nell]

Phew, I'm back - I've had a hectic day, starting with my counselling session this morning, which went very well. It was good that I cried one tear - that's one more than I have in ages!

Now then, down to the advice:

Everything that you are saying is correct - yes! I have read DR - in fact, there's a copy on my desk as I type this to you. I can especially identify with the characters Carol and Dean on page 181 onwards.

You are so right JCJ - the techniques are counter-intuitive but I am hanging in there and I have now made it for two days without contacting WAH - yes, I was email/text and phoning him which has not worked! Everything in me is screaming out to tell him how I have achieved a 180 today (putting salt in the pool after carrying 50kgs of it all on my own) and yet I know that he would take that so much in his stride - its what he does all the time but it's a huge achievement for me. Yes, I have been totally reliant upon him, which I now know was wrong.

I wouldn't identify with any thing that has caused his MLC in the timescale which you specify but I think that me being out of work since February, coupled with my difficulties in settling in a new country have probably not helped. The more I talked to my counsellor this morning, the more I realised that you are right and H was longing for a break from all his responsibilities. I came out feeling so elated that I had learned a few more things and yet I was sad that H won't consider joining me in counselling as I think that he would have learned about me too from what I revealed. I am positive about my work in the next few weeks with my counsellor.

I don't know if H is still having the EA because we do not talk about it. He feels too guilty and I get too angry. I told him that I thought it was all off and he didn't say yes or no but he was around last weekend and he made me believe that he was not going away this weekend either. (He is currently staying about an hours drive from our home). How do I get to know what's going on there if he won't tell me ... also, trying not to have contact with him also stops me from reading in to things and not seeing him means that I don't get to see the non-verbals! I guess that I just have to wait until he is ready to see/speak to me and then try to read him at that stage.

I hear you on the job front and I am trying! I did do some agency work for five weeks, which I kept quiet about so that I could tuck some money away for my own safety net, however someone told him and he has since demanded that I pay half for everything, even though having done so for August has now used up all of my funds. He was furious about this but I suppose that I can understand his point of view - he just won't see mine.

Thanks for the (((hug))) - it gives reassurance and comfort when there is none coming from other quarters!