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#1837693 - 09/14/09 08:55 PM Re: Robx- here ya go, more blood letting... [Re: aliveandkicking]
RedSoxFan Offline
Member

Registered: 08/15/09
Posts: 573
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
here he is, in a way bonding with his dad and feeling manly because he finally "understands" him. It is repugnant to witness.

Repugnant...or sad? Understands or found someone to make him feel OK about what he's doing?

It all comes back around sooner or later.
_________________________
AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread

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#1837710 - 09/14/09 09:35 PM Re: Robx- here ya go, more blood letting... [Re: RedSoxFan]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Yes, but the cycle continues and it sucks. That is what is repugnant to me, to see H bonding with his dad and his dad embracing it (sort of "welcome to the dark side")...in the mean time, our kids go through what H went through and they have to process this and reconcile what a man is and does. They idolize their dad.

It makes me want to vomit, that is why I used the word "repugnant"...I said "understands" in quotes because I know it's a cop out but I also know that H is satiating his life-long desire to have his dad's attention and approval and he has it now. It is gross.

Anyway, I can't control it, I just find it confusing. I want to be amicable but then I feel that I appear to be condoning...you know?
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#1837711 - 09/14/09 09:36 PM Re: Robx- here ya go, more blood letting... [Re: aliveandkicking]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
And H's dad never got it. He left his second wife with two kids for his mistress too. Maybe he'll get it on his deathbed but I doubt it.
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#1837722 - 09/14/09 09:53 PM Re: Robx- here ya go, more blood letting... [Re: aliveandkicking]
RedSoxFan Offline
Member

Registered: 08/15/09
Posts: 573
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
Yes, but the cycle continues and it sucks. That is what is repugnant to me, to see H bonding with his dad and his dad embracing it (sort of "welcome to the dark side")...in the mean time, our kids go through what H went through and they have to process this and reconcile what a man is and does. They idolize their dad.

It makes me want to vomit, that is why I used the word "repugnant"...I said "understands" in quotes because I know it's a cop out but I also know that H is satiating his life-long desire to have his dad's attention and approval and he has it now. It is gross.

Anyway, I can't control it, I just find it confusing. I want to be amicable but then I feel that I appear to be condoning...you know?

I totally know. Wow, breaking the cycle. How big is that? Marriage vows, prenups, how about committing to breaking from destructive family patterns and cycles as a goal? You know what's funny? When I was in the process of leaving W I had it all rationalized in my mind. Kids would be fine! Humans aren't meant to be committed forever. Dude, I had myself convinced...effin hilarious that I could rationalize myself into believing such crap.

Good news is, I get it and our family is not yet a statistic. We'll see what happens. We men can be as dumb as hammers A&K but we can change and when we do it can be profound.

As for the condoning, you can be positive about H. You can remind the kids how much he loves them. That doesn't mean you have to condone other behavior. He needs to own that today and in the future.
_________________________
AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread

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#1837726 - 09/14/09 10:03 PM Re: Robx- here ya go, more blood letting... [Re: aliveandkicking]
RedSoxFan Offline
Member

Registered: 08/15/09
Posts: 573
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
And H's dad never got it. He left his second wife with two kids for his mistress too. Maybe he'll get it on his deathbed but I doubt it.

We never know what people think inside their own heads. H's dad may never reveal whether he gets it or not. I think it's a lot harder for second gen (H) to run from the truth. Not saying he can't or won't, I just think it's a lot harder...IMHO ;-)
_________________________
AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread

Top
#1837739 - 09/14/09 10:20 PM Re: Robx- here ya go, more blood letting... [Re: RedSoxFan]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Ok. I'll buy that.

I fear my H will change but when it is too late or when he settles down with his next family...

We have been through one separation. He had a consciousness of breaking the cycle...we were in counseling, he expressed regret and remorse...there was however a subtle implication that his guilt was pervasive and almost an excuse to give up on really succeeding as a couple. I don't know if that makes sense. I've read it on other threads...some Ss actually saying they themselves had screwed up too much and done irreparable damage etc.

My H has told me that leaving was the most respectful thing he could have done. Whatever. As you said, when one is on a certain track...the justifications are plentiful.

But, I do concede that a) I don't know what he really thinks/feels and b) it is much harder for him to pull this off than it was for his father (whose father had died when he was young)...there will probably be no peace for my H, ever...without some real catharsis. I only hope I and my children can feel whole and peaceful regardless.


Edited by aliveandkicking (09/14/09 10:21 PM)
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#1837742 - 09/14/09 10:26 PM Re: Robx- here ya go, more blood letting... [Re: RedSoxFan]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
Originally Posted By: RedSoxFan


We men can be as dumb as hammers, but we can change and when we do it can be profound.




True that!
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"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#1837751 - 09/14/09 10:36 PM Re: Robx- here ya go, more blood letting... [Re: aliveandkicking]
RedSoxFan Offline
Member

Registered: 08/15/09
Posts: 573
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
We have been through one separation. He had a consciousness of breaking the cycle...we were in counseling, he expressed regret and remorse...there was however a subtle implication that his guilt was pervasive and almost an excuse to give up on really succeeding as a couple. I don't know if that makes sense. I've read it on other threads...some Ss actually saying they themselves had screwed up too much and done irreparable damage etc.

Yep, if I understand you correctly I've been through all of that with the exception of separation. In hindsight, I think that my own guilt based on my perceived failure as a husband and father had me believing that there was no hope. I was unable to believe in myself and forgive myself. I haven't thought through the rest but perhaps I didn't feel that I deserved to be loved and as a result didn't believe I was loved. I know I didn't feel loved when I left.

But guess what? I get it now smile
_________________________
AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread

Top
#1837756 - 09/14/09 10:51 PM Re: Robx- here ya go, more blood letting... [Re: RedSoxFan]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
I know it is possible. I just hate how the timing seems to work out and my kids are profoundly impacted by H's absence and having to be away from me in order to be with him...

If H felt guilty before, he's got one hell of a hole to dig himself out of now.
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#1837757 - 09/14/09 10:53 PM Re: Robx- here ya go, more blood letting... [Re: aliveandkicking]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Here's an example. If I were to treat H as the slimeball I think he is (right now), I would ask for separate time with the kids on S6's birthday and I would not have a party together with H.

But, as it is, smile, wave and vomit in my mouth occasionally... eek
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